Gator Mafia

If you ever find yourself in a post-apocalyptic Louisiana, turn around and leave.

We have been here for exactly ten minutes and I have already:

1. Bitten by something. Possibly a bug. Possibly an alligator. Possibly a mutant bug-gator.

2. Watched Billy almost drown trying to “save” a fish.

3. Realized Professor Licker have no idea where we are going.

“This is it, boys!” Licker announce, standing in front of a shack that looked like it had been built by someone who hates buildings. The wood is half-eaten by termites, and the sign out front just said:

“SWEET THANG’S SWAMP SYRUP – DON’T KNOCK, JUST YELL”

Billy having the best time of his life. “Dude, I love the vibe already.”

Sigh~. “Billy, this place looks like it’s one strong gust of wind away from collapsing.” I said

Licker didn’t wait. He took a deep breath and yelled at the top of his lungs.

“OI, SWEET THANG! OPEN UP! WE NEED YOUR SUGAR JUICE!”

For a moment, nothing happened. Then the door burst open so fast it nearly smacked Billy.

We walked in and i see Sweet Thang.

I will never forget what i’m seeing.

Sweet Thang was a 6’2” swamp woman built like a linebacker. She wore overalls, had a small alligator sitting on her shoulder like a parrot, and held a shotgun carved her name on it.

She squinted at us. “Y’all the boys lookin’ for sugar?”

Billy nodded enthusiastically. “Yup! We’re on a mission to save the world!”

Sweet Thang looked me up and down, then smirked. “And you brought this sad lil’ stick man with ya?”

I replied instead. “Yes. I exist. Hello.”

Licker stepped forward. “Listen here, Thang, we need your swamp syrup. If it can replace sugar, we might just have a way to stop the aliens from blowing us into space dust.”

Sweet Thang scratched her head. Then she said the worst sentence I’ve ever heard in my life:

“Y’all ever wrestled an alligator before?”

Billy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. “OH HELL YEAH, BRO!”

I immediately turned around to leave. “Nope. Absolutely not.”

But Sweet Thang whistled, and suddenly.. from the swamp..

Six alligators rose from the water like it’s a movie.

“Welcome to the Gator Mafia,” Sweet Thang said. “If y’all wanna earn my syrup, ya gotta prove y’all strong enough to handle it.”

Billy cracked his knuckles. “Let’s GO.”

Licker cheered.

And me?

I stared at the sky, wondering how long it would take for the aliens to just kill us already.

I’m standing in a muddy swamp pit, face-to-face with a gator that had one eye, a scar across its snout, and a gold tooth. Yeah. A gator. With a gold tooth.

Billy, on the other hand, was hyped.

“Yo, Dex! I call dibs on the biggest one!” he shouted, pointing at a 14-feet monster with tattoos.

I blinked. “Billy. That alligator has tattoos.”

“I KNOW, BRO. SICK, RIGHT?!”

Before I could scream at him, Sweet Thang fired her shotgun into the air.

“FIGHT!”

And everything goes to hell.

Billy, being the absolute psycho that he is, jumped onto the gator’s back like he was in a rodeo.

“YEEEHAW, BABY!” he screams, as Big Tony immediately started death-rolling him through the swamp.

I have never seen a human being spin so fast in my life.

“BILLY, YOU IDIOT!” I shouted.

“BRO, I’M CHILLIN’!” he yelled back.. as he is spinning.

Me, I don’t fight. Ever. My battle strategy in life is standing very still and hoping my problems go away.

So, when Scarface charging at me, I do the only logical thing:

I turn and i run.

“NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.” I scream, dodging trees and jumping over logs as the gator chasing me at full speed.

Licker was on the sidelines, taking notes. “HMM. SEEMS LIKE THE GATORS ARE WINNING.”

I gasp for air. “YA THINK, LICKER?!”

Sweet Thang laughing. “Boy, you runnin’ like a chicken at a barbeque! You better stand your ground!”

I skid to a stop, turn around, and do the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I slap Scarface in the nose.

Hard.

The swamp went dead silent.

Even the frogs stopped croaking.

Billy (who is still spinning) yells, “OH SHIIII.. ”

Scarface is staring at me. I stared back.

Then, to my absolute horror.. he smiled.

“RESPECT.” the gator speaks in perfect English.

I think i’m gonna have a stroke.

“DID YOU.. DID YOU JUST TALK?!” I said.

Scarface nod. “Damn right. But I don’t talk to cowards. You stood your ground, lil’ man. I like that.”

Billy.. who has finally stopped spinning.. stumbles over and throw an arm around my shoulder.

“BRO. WE JUST UNLOCKED THE GATOR FRIENDSHIP PLATINUM TROPHY.”

Sweet Thang clapping her hands. “Well, I’ll be damned! Ain’t nobody ever gained Scarface’s respect before.”

I’m still in a shock. “I.. I just wanted to not die.”

Scarface smiled. “And that’s why I respect you, bruh.”

“B-But how is. Are. How are you t-talking?” I said while shaking

Sweet Thang turned at me “This is swamp was exposed to a hyper intelligent ray from weird technology these damn aliens use, They turned these poor gators conscious, and they can experience depression”

“Oh” I said quietly

Licker stepped forward. “WELL, NOW THAT THE BOYS PROVED THEMSELVES, HOW ‘BOUT THAT SWAMP SYRUP?”

Sweet Thang whistles. Two gators dragged out a giant wooden barrel filled with thick, golden syrup.

“Take it,” she says. “But if y’all fail to save the world…bring my gators some aliens to eat.”

Scarface licking his chops. “I always wanted to taste an intergalactic motherfu.. ”

“OKAY, THANK YOU, WE’LL BE LEAVING NOW,” I interrupted.

Billy high-fives a gator. “WE OUT, BOYS!”

And just like that, we have our first sugar replacement.

Next stop?

A secret underground lab in Nevada.

Licker claims that he has a mad scientist rival who might have invented “synthetic sugar.”

I already hate the idea of this plan.