Not Enough

May slammed the door of her room, tossed her notebook onto her desk, and flopped onto the bed, landing on top of the physics textbook she'd been reading before. Its cover dug into her side, but in her frustration she didn’t even bother moving it.

“Why did he have to say it like that?” she mumbled into her pillow.

What she’d been studying had been relatively basic compared to what she knew he was looking into. But to brush her off like he did? It stung.

I must not be there yet, she thought. I guess it was silly to think I could help so quickly.

She looked up from her pillow at the annotated drawing and notes on her desk. As the thought crossed her mind, she found that the drawings looked crude and underdeveloped. Her cheeks flushed with warmth, turning her face back into her pillow.

He’d shown her what he was working on a couple weeks ago. At the time, it may as well have been hieroglyphics—the equations used concepts that she didn’t even recognize, and the graphics were so dense they looked like blueprints. It had motivated her at the time—set her working as hard as she could, chasing after his expertise. But now he turned her away.

She’d spent the past few weeks honing her skills, studying almost the whole day every day. And although she wasn’t sure she could understand her mother’s work, she could at least give an outsider’s viewpoint. Maybe something he hadn’t thought of. Like the drawing.

She gritted her teeth. I can help. If he would just let me try.

The door to her room squeaked open. “Sis?” came Alice’s voice through the crack.

“Mm?” May responded, face still buried in the fluff of her pillow.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Mm.” She figured Alice would get her meaning.

And it seemed she did, pushing the door open the rest of the way, and shutting it behind her. May rolled over and sat up to face her little sister as she entered.

“I heard you talking to Dad,” Alice began, sitting down on the floor. “I told him I was gonna sleep, so don’t tell him I’m not.” She cracked a mischievous smile.

Not like he’s gonna check anyway, May thought. She just nodded.

“I think you’re real smart.”

“Oh… well, thanks.”

Alice nodded, changing to sitting cross-legged. “I just think Dad is nervous. Or scared.”

“Well, yeah. Makes sense.” May sighed, slouching a bit more and staring at her lap dejectedly.

“Can I see?”

“Huh? See what?” May flicked her eyes back up at Alice.

“The science… stuff. That you did.”

May couldn’t help but smile, a light chuckle even forcing its way from her lips. “Science stuff?”

“Well, yeah…” Alice’s face got a little bit red, but she smiled back. “Y’know, like…” She gestured at the desk. “That stuff.”

May thought for a moment. “I could, but…” Her apprehension was plain in her voice. “Do you really want to see it?”

Alice shrugged. “I dunno. If you want.”

“Mind if I show you tomorrow?”

“Is it ‘cus you wanna fix it?”

“It’s not even that. It’s just… Dad didn’t even give it a chance.” May clasped her hands together. “If he looked at it and then said I was wrong, fine. But…” Her voice trailed off.

“He just said no,” Alice finished for her.

May nodded. “So… I just don’t want to think about it for a while.”

Alice gave a thumbs-up.

The conversation lulled for a moment. May’s mind started wandering back to physics when Alice asked, “What do you think Mom’s doing right now?”

“Probably working hard to solve the extirpations.” May shrugged. It’d been about 6 months since they’d even seen her. They’d heard from her from time to time: Alice’s birthday had fallen in-between, so she called to congratulate her and they spoke on the phone for a time. But before long, she made Alice cry and then returned to her work.

She never was good with children, May thought.

“I hope so.” Alice stared at the bookshelf by the wall. “Do you remember what Mom said when she found you reading that book?” she asked, pointing to one.

It was a sci-fi novel—one of May’s favorites from her childhood. May smiled. “Yeah, when she called it ‘fictitious slop?’”

Alice giggled. “Yeah! And you said—”

“Then I guess I love slop!” They both laughed. May unfolded her hands and leaned back onto them, propping herself up. It wasn’t the happiest time in her life, but—compared to right now—it didn’t seem so bad at all.

“We were all together,” Alice said, her eyes becoming a bit sadder. It was as if she opened the oven that was May’s mind and stole out the thought just before it finished.

“We were.” May’s eyes were trained on the ceiling, idle as memories played out in her mind.

“Do you think we can ever do that again?”

May thought about it for a moment. “That’s up to Mom and Dad. But you remember how all that ended, right?” She looked at Alice’s face to see her nodding her understanding. Her eyes were sad, but it looked like she’d already accepted that answer—verbalizing it was just confirmation.

“Well, anyway,” she continued, “why don’t you go get ready for bed?”

Alice just sat in place for a while, but eventually stood up. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll go read some.”

May nodded. “Good idea. But go to sleep soon, okay?”

“Mhm.” She walked out, but just before closing the door, turned back to May. “Show Dad tomorrow.”

“I’ll try. We’ll see if he lets me.” May smiled at her sister.

Alice gave a dramatic but satisfied nod. “Night night!” She slammed the door to May’s room. May heard her scurry off to her room, notably skipping brushing her teeth, by the sound of it. May smiled.

She lay back down on her bed.

“I’ll show him tomorrow,” she said to the empty room. “Maybe I will try to make it better first, though…” She rolled over onto her side, mind whirring. “Right now, it's just... not enough...”

And, without even turning off the lights in her room, she dozed off, images of particle physics diagrams dancing in her mind all the while.