I Was Disabused and Free; You Couldn't Make It Any Longer

It was cold now. Fall had come and gone and now the leaves along the trees were falling away. Color faded from the world as the long nights and harsh days approached. All of the natural world prepared to slumber until the sun returned. In Inabe City, recovery efforts were mostly complete. The typhoon had caused millions of dollars’ worth of property damage, but no one had perished. Homes were repaired. Buildings were rebuilt. Life moved on. Only one person seemed to still be concerned with the damage that had taken place. Hazuki could not find comfort in the rest of the world’s recovery because he was too consumed with Naoe’s tree and the wound it had suffered.

The top portion of her tree had been ripped away, but it stayed attached to the trunk by a few small pieces of bark and fiber. Immediately after the damage was assessed, the top portion was reattached with cabling and bolts that were drilled into the trunk for support. Metal rods were installed for reinforcement. Wraps were soaked in hormones and tied around the trunk. This was done for over two-dozen trees in total. Hazuki had helped check on every one of them in the weeks that followed, but his main focus was Naoe. The branches at the top died and were pruned down to relieve some of the strain of recovery. Through it all, Hazuki hoped it was not hurting Naoe, and prayed that she would be okay in her slumber.

He had no way of knowing, and his dreams provided no more clarity. Nightmares had slowly made way for the occasional normal dreaming, but never of Naoe. The closest he came to seeing her again was every once and a while, he would hear a plea in his dreams that sounded like her voice from far away.

“Wait for me Hazuki!” her voice would scream from the darkness, but that was it.

There was no visual. Nothing else was said. Just that cry echoing in the deep emptiness.

Hazuki’s nose had to be reset and braced. Black and purple bruises lined the bags under his eyes for weeks afterwards. Breathing was painful. Every natural breath through his nostrils felt like a knife going into his skull. It was almost enough to convince Hazuki to re-up his medicine dosage, but he held strong to the plan and continued tapering. The continued lowering of pill volume helped bring more and more clarity over time, but in the immediate moments of withdraw, he found himself lost in the veil between reality and hallucination.

Visions of Naoe flooded Hazuki's mind as he tried to tend to her tree and the others. Occasionally, he would imagine their roots ripping up from the soil and pulling him beneath the ground to never be seen again. Other times he would imagine Naoe was there beneath her tree again, still happy and still in her pink kimono. It wasn’t reality. She was still gone.

Hazuki’s tent had been torn apart in the storm. Being forced to true homelessness had led Hazuki to a place he had never expected. Sayane’s offer had held true. Two days after the storm, after admitting defeat, Hazuki arrived at his childhood home. Arthur answered the door with a look of shock.

“Hazuki! Is everything okay?” he asked immediately.

Hazuki nodded.

“My tent was destroyed. I was wondering-”

Before he could even finish, Arthur was beckoning him into the house.

“You can stay here,” Arthur answered.

Hazuki entered the house once more, and by nightfall had gathered all of his belongings from the park and made his place in his old room. Leaving Naoe’s tree was not what he wanted, but he realized his body was week from exhaustion, and if he wasn’t careful he would also break. The original plan was to stay at the house for a few days until he had time to get a new tent. Weeks later, he was still there, waking up in his old room.

They were kind people, who moved at a gentle pace. Mornings were shared with Sayane and Arthur before Hazuki set off for the park and Sayane left for the government campus. Hazuki had taken to brushing his hair and tying it behind his head in a high knot that fell to his neck. Arthur had taught Hazuki how to shave properly and given him some clothes that were less tattered.

When Hazuki looked at himself in his childhood mirror, he almost recognized the reflection now. Being in the safety of his own home allowed Hazuki the ability to catch his breath after everything that had happened. For the first time in years, he felt like he could pause and gather himself. Not every moment was reactive. It allowed him to focus on Naoe with a clear head.

The cuttings had started to grow, with full root systems now visible. Every day he tended to them and prayed that his experiment would pay off. Beside his vials, there was the photo of him as a child with Naoe in the background, and a small shrine to his grandparents. Nothing for his mother or father.

Occasionally Hazuki’s mind would trick him into seeing his grandparents walking down the hall. It wasn’t frightening. In fact, in the moment it was nice. One morning, after imagining his granfather in the garden, Hazuki realized he was happy to be home. He asked Arhtur and Sayane about the potential to stay longer, and they immediately agreed.

“I can pay rent. I have money in my family trust. I don’t know how to access it though,” admitted Hazuki.

Truly, in the time after his grandparents had passed, young Hazuki had been told that a certain amount of money was left for him, but it had all faded from importance in the trauma that followed. Now, being back in his old house asking former strangers for the option to stay long term, Hazuki realized it was time to find out more detail about the things he had forgotten.

“You don’t have to pay us Hazuki. We make plenty of money. Save that for your future,” Sayane said without hesitation.

‘That future may never come,’ Hazuki thought to himself.

Indeed, he had accepted becoming the aeon when Naoe returned. Releasing her from her prison was his truest wish, no matter what it meant for him. Arthur brought Hazuki’s thoughts back from dying.

“I can go with you to help get your finances figured out,” offered Arthur.

“Thank you,” Hazuki replied.

That was how Fall became Winter and the cold descended on them. Every day crept by as Hazuki waited for Naoe. Her cries echoed in the night, but she was never there when he woke the next morning. At the park, most of the trees had been saved from their damage in the storm. Naoe’s tree was the slowest to recover, but it was making progress. Seamlines of healing bark rose in new recovery where the tree had been fused back together. It was promising, but the oncoming frosts gave Hazuki unease every day when he checked.

Heavy frost did come, and Hazuki stopped dreaming completely. Snow arrived and covered the land in pristine white. Sleeping was finally restful, and Hazuki felt relief for the first time in over half a decade. His birthday passed, and he was now nineteen. He was older than Naoe.

December’s cold embrace arrived in full force. Hazuki began to feel a gathering anticipation for Spring and the plum blossoms. Naoe would be returning soon. Something in his chest shifted and he felt it was his heart sensing her incoming arrival.

Day by day the feeling in his chest grew, but after some time in became unpleasant and heavy. Something was wrong. Hazuki didn’t know if something was wrong with him, with the tree, or with Naoe, but whatever it was, he was sure it did not bode well.

After one particularly painful night of sleep, Hazuki woke early and decided to head to the park to clear his head. Early mornings without crowds or colleagues were his favorite time. Arriving that morning, Hazuki felt a sense of longing for his tent and the nights with Naoe. He hadn’t thought of what he would do when she returned, or how he would discuss it with Arthur and Sayane. Every moment she was there was precious, and Hazuki wanted to be able to convince her to let him become the aeon. It might take time, but he was ready.

Those were the thoughts that filled his head that morning as he turned down the familiar path to approach Naoe’s tree. Snowflakes drifted in their floating ballet around him as his breath hung in the air. All the trees were barren. Not a leaf or blossom was to be seen. Then, to his shock, there she was. Naoe was collapsed in a ball, lying unconscious beneath her tree.

“Naoe!” screamed Hazuki when he saw her body half covered in snow.

He limped towards her as quickly as possible. She was early. It would be several weeks before the blooms arrived, yet there she was. But she felt weak. Even before Hazuki reached her, she felt different. Getting closer, Hazuki could see why. The entire right side of Naoe’s face was scarred, from temple to eye socket to mouth.

The scar was slightly darker than the rest of her skin. It was smooth like it had been healing for some time, but Hazuki couldn’t help but wonder if it was from the tree. The scar ran from Naoe’s face to her right hand. Tears formed in Hazuki’s eyes as he reached her frail, unresponsive body.

“Naoe! Naoe please wake up!” Hazuki pleaded.

“Naoe, it’s me! It’s Hazuki,” he said as he clasped her in his arms.

She was breathing. It was soft, and strained, but he could feel it against his neck as he held her close.

“Why are you here already? I would have come, I would have been here for you,” he whispered.

“Hazuki,” Naoe whimpered.

Hazuki heard the small voice and relief crashed over him in waves. She was alive.

“I’m here, I’m here Naoe. You’re with me now,” he said through tears as he pulled her even closer and wrapped his jacket over her freezing hands.

“I’m going to keep you safe now,” said Hazuki as the snow melted on their faces and all the world around them watched in silence.