CRAZY fast TAXI

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Our Bubar driver never showed up to take us to the mall with the stores we needed to visit. June got frustrated enough to contact the agency and find out why we got stiffed. Apparently, the driver guy was too intimidated by all the FBI around to come and get us.

It wasn’t just that one driver. The other ones didn’t want to show up either, so we were kinda out of luck.

“Now what do we do?” I asked, sitting on a bench with my notebook. “How are we going to get to the mall now?”

“If only I had my noble steed, Proctor the 14th,” Cal said. “She could get us to this mauling.” He brushed his chin with a curious expression. “Although, she is afraid of lions…”

“Lions?” my brow furrowed.

“Why is your horse named Proctor the 14th?” June asked.

“She is the 14th battle horse I have ever owned,” he replied.

“So, what happened to the other 13?”

“They all retired. The stress and damage from constant battle was too much for them, so I couldn’t force them to follow me into danger any longer.”

“Retired?” June looked curiously over to me.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “The horses go to a big spa and live out the rest of their days happily.”

That part of the story came because I learned some very dark secrets about what happens at the glue factory. It traumatized me for life!

“O…kay…” June started making her way back to my apartment. “We’ll just have to find another ride to the mall.”

There wasn’t a single Bubar driver available, since most of them were too afraid to get past the blockade. So I suggested June bite the bullet and we take a taxi.

“No!” June shouted. “You remember the last time we took a taxi, right?”

“The guy scammed us by charging by the meter, and we thought he was talking about the parking spot timer thing and not the distance traveled?”

“Yes-wait no!” June corrected. “I forgot about that… No, I’m talking about the last time when we were in the city and the guy was an ex-race car driver.”

Oh! I remembered what she was referring to. We almost ended up in the river with how crazy his taxi service was. We did get where we were going pretty fast though.

“June, that was like one guy three years ago,” I argued. “There's no way we'll get him all the way out here.”

“Mmm…” she hummed doubtingly.

“June, honestly, do you think we’ll get another race car driver? What are the odds?”

June begrudgingly trusted me and dialed up a taxi service we found in the phone book. Luckily, they were happy enough to send someone immediately, since they needed the business.

We stood outside and waited, trying to not look very suspicious with all the investigators creeping back on the scene after Cal’s battle and quake.

While we were sitting, I flipped open my notebook and started jotting down the day so far. At least, I wrote down how I remembered things being.

“Whatcha’ writing?” June asked, peaking around to read my work.

“Well, I figured that since the news hasn’t been able to cover what went down here with Cal, why don’t I tell them? People’ll be interested in reading this, right?”

It only made sense. I doubted they’d believe a word of it, but it might get their imaginations churning a little. It sure did mine!

“You know this’ll all probably end up an urban legend at best, right?” June said.

“I know, but does it really matter if they’re reading it?” I snickered. “Think about it. I could probably make some good money off of conspiracy theorists and stuff.”

June shook her head and chortled. “Is that really your target audience? Think a little bigger there, sister.”

I mean, an audience was an audience, right? And there’s plenty of people out there with all kinds of different tastes. Who was going to feed them with lots of interesting content and get their money in return?

*VRRROOOOMMMM!*

We all were alerted to the sound of a loud engine at the end of the block.

“By the gods, a Dalarion Time dragon?!” Cal stood and squinted off into the distant edge of the street.

“No…” June sighed. “Probably some punk who ruined his muffler so it would be super loud and obnoxious.”

The sound got louder by the second until we saw a banana yellow sports car drive right up in front of the apartment. A big fin on the top of it read the word “Taxi.”

The taxi’s tinted window rolled down and the driver inside had a pretty fancy pair of sunglasses on. He lowered them and winked at June and I.

“Hey ladies. The name’s Yale Blart Jr. Welcome to the fastest darn taxi service here in these blessed U S of A! Whooo wee!”

“Nope!” June walked back into the apartment building. “I am not doing this again!”

“Cal, go get her.” I ordered.

“Of course, Fair Princess…”

June was kicking and screaming as Cal simply picked her up and threw her into the car like an angry toddler. I came in after to make sure she would jump out and quickly buckled her in.

“No no!” June screamed as I tightened her seatbelt. “He's the driver who almost got us killed last time! What the heck is he doing out here?!”

“Well listen up, little lady! Because boy do I gots a story to tell…” Yale Blart Jr. started.

“I don't care!” June shouted. “We’re paying you to drive, not spill your life story on us!”

“You did ask for it,” I argued.

“I know what I said!”

We all stopped talking when we heard a loud noise on top of the car, like someone was walking on it. Then there was this *CRUNK* sound and the taxi bounced. I peeked my head out the window and saw Cal sitting on top of the taxi cab with his legs around the fin thing.

“Cal, what are you doing up there?”

“Is this not how I ride this metal carriage?” he asked. “Carriage seats are far too small for me. So I’ve become accustomed to sitting on top when a horse is not available.”

He was huge, and this lousy little taxi was probably not going to fit him very comfortably. But he definitely was not going to be able to stay up there the whole ride.

“Hey, son!” Yale Jr. shouted to him. “You can’t be sitting on top of my baby, ya’ here? Get down from there!”

“Have I sat on your child?!” Cal stood up and tried to look at his own butt in horror. “Oh yee gods, I must have flattened him under my rump!”

“No, Cal…” June sighed in absolute defeat. “He’s talking about this car you're sitting on.”

“The…cahr?” Cal jumped off the taxi and rocked it like a boat on rough water. “This carriage is called a…cahr?”

“The little lady’s correctamundo, son,” Yale Jr. tipped down a little car seat that was between the driver and shotgun, revealing a real baby was there. “This here’s my actual baby boy, Yale Blart Jr 2.”

“Gaagah!” The baby cooed out.

It just hit me that both he and his son had on race car driver suits with his taxi service logo all over it.

“Let me guess, your wife said you could name a son?” June wagered.

“You’d be surprised how agreeable a woman can be in labor,” he laughed out. “This here boy’s gonna’ be my successor one day. I’m gettin’ him started early.”

“Vrrrooom!” went the baby.

Yale Jr. rubbed a tear from his eye and patted his sons shoulder.

“That’s my boy!”

While we were talking, Cal managed to squeeze himself into the shotgun seat, but his back was pressed up against the roof of the car and he was leaning over the dashboard.

“Son, yer’ a big fella aren’t ya?”

“Yes,” Cal replied. “My stature is quite great. But why do you refer to me as your son? I thought he was this child here.”

“Yer’ pretty stupid too, aren’t ya, big fella?”

“I have yet to grasp your strange customs, Yale of the Blart tribe.”

“Well, that’s alright by me.” Yale Jr. shifted the car gear until the engine revved. “As long as y’all have money, all that matters is that we get to the finish line.”

“We’re gonna’ die…” June said.

“Fear not, Friend June…” Cal said. “While I am here, nothing will end your lives.”

“Oh boy…” I appreciated Cal’s willingness, but it just hit me that I was a bit worried too. Cal was taking up half the windshield and all of the right side view. I was sure that he was making an all new blindspot for the car. “Cal, maybe we should switch plac…”

*VRRROOOOMMMM!*

The taxi roared like thunder and blasted down the road. June and I were both forced deep into our seats at the sheer force of our speed. We were going so fast that it felt like we were in a rocket ship, and the G-forces were crushing us. June took my hand and gripped it tightly, as if it were the last action she’d ever perform in her life.

"Whooo wee!” announced Yale Jr. as we blasted down the road. "Hang on to yer' butts!

"I can't feel my butt!" I shouted.

"We're gonna die!" June continually repeated.

I was so certain we passed like five red lights in the span of three seconds. Was he even going the right way? I'm not even sure we told him where we wanted to go!

"Draw bridge ahead!" Yale Jr. announced, gripping the wheel tightly. "And it's goin' up! We're gonna jump it!"

"There's a draw bridge in this town!?" June questioned.

"Wait!" I screamed. "Stop it, Evel knievel! We can't jump a draw bridge!"

But by the time I finished my sentence, we were already in the air, just barely clearing a passing by cargo ship.

"Ahhh!" June and I screamed.

We touched down on the other side with a big *Bump*, then the car continued down the road like nothing happened.

"Yes!" Cal cheered as we landed on the other side, somehow with out lives still intact. "What an exciting vehicle!"

"Ten four, good buddy!" Yale Jr. and Cal fist bumped. The baby joined in and slapped their hands excitedly.

"June..." I uttered.

"Yes Auri?"

"I think I hate Taxi's now too..."

_(*o*)_