Weight of Pain

After half an hour of distributing food, Alice and I were finally able to get some rest, so we headed to a nearby tree that didn’t have any residents to shield ourselves from the sun. While the sky had mostly covered the sun, the air was still incredibly humid, making my shirt feel sticky.

“…”

“…”

And despite all of that, this awkward silence has continued to persist…

Here, I thought that after keeping ourselves separate, we’d be able to return to normal, but why the hell hasn’t she said anything?!

“…”

“…”

Ahh crap…

…I know that it’s my fault.

It’s just… how am I supposed to say it?

I was really hoping that Alice would start some kind of conversation to make the apology transition a lot easier…

“…”

Alright…

I take a deep breath, letting the humid air stroll through my nose, letting its warmth soak throughout my body, before slowly letting it out.

“…A-Awlice…”

“…?”

I bit my tongue!

Goddammit!

“Ah, no…” I instinctively averted my gaze, my face feeling hot, “It’s just… umm…”

“…?” Alice tilts her head even further.

“Umm… I just…” I look away, scratching my cheek. “I-I’m sorry… for what I said this morning…”

“…”

“…”

“…Apology denied.” Alice crosses her arms.

“…Huh?”

“Unless you explained why you got upset at me, I’m not going to accept your apology…” Alice pouts, avoiding my gaze.

“B-But…” I instinctively raised my voice, “It’s too embarrassing…”

“Well, you suddenly yelling at me like that hurts my feelings…” Alice uncrossed her arms, looking downwards, “The least you could do is tell me why…” She raised her head, giving me puppy eyes.

“…”

So cute…

Looking at me like that is just unfair…

Now I have no choice but to explain myself…

“…A-Alright…” I fidget around in my seat, my face gradually becoming warmer.

“…”

Out of nowhere, Alice closes in on me, locking me into her gaze.

“I-I… I was mad because…” I look away from her.

“…”

Yet her deafening silence is prompting me to face up again.

“It’s because…” My hands instinctively placed themselves between my knees, letting them fidget around, “I… I haven’t touched myself in a while…

“…”

“E-Ever since we’ve been journeying together, we’re practically always together, so…” I close my eyes, scratching between my thighs. “I never had the time to relief myself…”

“…”

“And… I’ve been really itching to do it, but… you know…” I peek upwards, noticing Alice’s blank expression.

“…I see…”

“…”

“…Thank god~” Alice lets out a sigh of relief, seating herself down with a relaxed expression. “You really are a pervert, huh…” She says with a smirk.

“Y-You!” I clench my fist, my face bursting in heat, “This is why I didn’t want to tell you!”

“Hehehe…” Alice lets out a small chuckle. “Still, thanks for telling me, and I’m sorry that I never noticed…” Alice says, letting out a small bow.

“…”

“Hm?” She raised her head, tilting it as well. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“It’s just that… I wasn’t expecting you to accept it that easily…” I muttered.

“Well… my dad used to say that everyone has some form of pain that pushes them to get involved in the soapland industry…” Alice clasps her hands together.

“…”

“And each of those people would have different levels of pain, ranging from mild to soul-crushing…” Alice says, slowly bringing her neck upwards, facing towards the sky through the tree foliage, “But… my dad also said that even if we put those pains on a scale, at the end of the day, they’re still painful feelings to experience…”

“…”

“Of course, not everyone in the soapland industry is part of it because they’ve experienced something bad, but there are still a lot of them that are a part of it due to their pains…” Alice lowers her neck, then repositions them towards me, “That includes our customers as well…”

“…I’m sorry, but… I don’t think I understand what you’re trying to say…” I replied.

“Put simply, everyone has their worries and pains they have to carry, and the only people that can understand that weight are those people themselves…”

“…”

“My dad told me that no one has the right to judge what kind of pains or worries someone has to go through, but rather to accept them as it is…” Alice explained, a smug look plastered on her face, “Sounds really mature, doesn’t it?” She said, puffing her chest with a smirk.

“…Isn’t it ironic to say that, when the first thing you did was threaten me with a bat?” I ask.

“Hey! If I were in your position, you would definitely have done the same!” Alice points towards me.

“Who knows~?” I shrug my shoulders, “Maybe I would’ve welcomed you with open arms…” I said, widening my arms.

“…”

“…Alice?”

Crap…

Did I say something wrong?

Is she mad at me?

“…When you first came to my place, all of my friends were gone…” Alice states, her voice shrinking.

“…Alice?” I slowly lower my arms.

“…!”

“Huh?!”

Before my mind could process it, a streak of tears had gone through Alice’s cheeks, her voice breaking as she sniffed up her mucus.

“A-Alice, what’s wro—”

“They all… they all…” Alice lowered her head, her shoulders trembling.

“…”

“All of them… they all committed suici—”

“Alice!” I grabbed her shoulders, making her look towards me.

“…?!”

“I’m sorry… that was insensitive of me…” I said, softening my tone of voice as much as possible…

“…No…” Alice shook her head, wiping her eyes with her left arm. “You didn’t know after all…”

“…I’m sorry…”

Alice may have said that I have no right to judge her pain, but when comparing what she had to go through to mine, it’s like night and day…

What can I even do to make her feel better?

What can I say to calm her heart?

We’ve been journeying for three months, and yet…

I still don’t know anything about her…

“…”

But… for some reason…

This moment feels… important…

And I feel that if I don’t say anything,

Our relationship would never progress.

For some reason, that idea alone makes me feel…

…Lonely.

“…Alice…” I push her shoulders back, making it easier to look at Alice’s entire face.

“…?”

Will this be a good idea?

I want to support her as much as possible…

I’ve already caused more than enough trouble for her, and I don’t want to see her cry anymore…

Yet despite that, I muster the little courage I have to ask her a question,

“Alice…” I soften my voice, looking straight towards her tear-filled eyes, “Can I… hear what your friends are like?”

“…Hm?”

“I’m not confident that I’ll be of any help, but talking it out can make the weight feel a little lighter, don’t you think?” I ask, softening my cheeks.

“…”

“I want you to share your weight with me, Alice…” I lower my hands, slowly clasping them into Alice’s.

“…”

“To make up for it, I’ll tell a bit of myself on that panic attack you saw…” I tightened my grip on Alice’s hands.

“Yuiko…” Alice tightened her grip on me, her hands lightly shaking.

“…”

“…Okay…” Alice muttered out, lowering her gaze.

“Thank you…” I replied, letting out a relieved smile.

“Though to be fair, it’s not really that long of a story, so no need to worry about it too much…” Alice said, letting out a chuckle.

“…” I nod.

“Where should I start…”

…

…..

…….