Sunbeam - END

I hate being this sick. I move slow. Think slower. Eating is hard. Sleeping used to be easy. I’ve bounced from catnap to catnap for a long weekend, unable to stay up for more than an hour at a time. Now the day’s breaking at the edge of the horizon, and I’ve yet to catch a single wink. I don’t think I’ve even blinked since dusk. Whenever I close my eyes, I start thinking about Sayuri once again, and rouse myself back awake.

I can’t help it. I can’t stand it. She’s been gone for so long, but just the memory of her is enough to send my heart stirring once again. I can still hear her whispering In my ears, feel her hand brushing through my hair, smell her scent all over me – it’s driving me crazy. I can only control my instincts for so long before they get the best of me.

My doctor, nice as she is, likes to call this state a ‘love haze’. I’m not sure why she prefers that silly name over the actual term, but I guess putting it like that makes it sound more human. But really, a cat’s experience and mine are almost the exact same. Almost. Because if they need the days to be long, the weather to be warm, and themselves to be happy and healthy, catgirls also need to be in love.

It’s a small blessing if you think about it. Some people take ages to figure out how they truly feel and I just let my body do all the heavy lifting. I can just sit tight and wait for the confirmation and if it doesn’t, then I don’t have to worry about anything. But if it does, and I enter this ‘love haze’, then everything that comes after becomes a blur of intentions.

I can no longer tell if what I’m doing comes from a genuine place, or if it’s nothing more than a primal urge.

Though looking back on it, it’s pretty cut and dry. I know I only invited Sayuri in because I wanted her next to me, to pet me, to hold me, to do so much more. I nuzzled up to her because it was the only way I – or rather, my feline brain – could think of to tell everyone that she’s mine. And when it all became too much for her, and she tried to escape, I tripped her up, forced myself onto her, almost kissed her because I just – I don’t know actually. I never know.

I don’t know if I crave human connection, or just the physical affection that comes with it. I don’t know if whenever I purr it’s because I’m happy, or if it’s just my body responding to some external stimulus. I don’t know if I meant any of the embarrassing stuff I told Sayuri, or if it was just a means to get her to accept my feelings.

And yet, I’m sure that I love her. Isn’t that just a mess?

I roll over to the other side of the bed, where the cool sheets welcome me, then reach for my phone on the nightstand. It’s coming up to seven, which explains why the world has started stirring outside. It doesn’t explain why Sayuri is already awake and texting me first thing in the morning.

Sayuri: Good morning, Asami-chan! Did you…

My heart falls down into the same pit as my stomach. Did you wanna talk about the other day? Did you take what happened the other evening seriously? Did you really believe I could fall for you? I swipe at the notification to dismiss it, but my fingers are overstretched and the screen only registers a tap. The messaging app opens to reveal the message in full but, most importantly, mark it as read.

Sayuri: Good morning, Asami-chan! Did you sleep well?

My lungs heave a sigh of relief, but it feels a little bit premature. Because now, I have a dilemma to contend with: should I be honest, tell her I couldn’t get any rest because I couldn’t get her out of my head; or should I just lie. On second thought, the answer is pretty clear.

Me: Morning~ Yeah, I was out like a light. You?

She comes online in one instant, then starts typing in the next. No hesitation whatsoever, she just looses the first draft just like that.

Sayuri: Not really, haha… I kept tossing and turning thinking about the other day.

What about – How come – Yeah, I figured you – delete, delete, delete. God, why is this so hard all of a sudden? I had zero issues yapping addled nonsense at her all of last evening, now it’s like no matter how I phrase it, there’s something wrong. I guess a ‘love haze’ can only last so much before it lifts off to let anxiety in.

I take a deep breath. There’s no way around it, really.

Me: Same…

Sayuri: Wait, what? But you just said you slept like a log??

Me: I lied. Sorry…

…

…

…

Sayuri: This is too hard. Can I call you?

Car horns, thunderstorms, and fireworks haven’t startled me as much as reading that did. No, of course you can’t. It’s too early, too sudden, too soon. I need a lot more time to digest everything than a couple hours – but at the same time, I miss her. I’ve been missing her ever since she left my flat, and I really want to hear her voice. Man, I’m pathetic.

Asami: Sure…

The phone rings right away. Was she waiting with her finger on the button or something? Gee, talk about overeager. At least give me a minute to prepare myself! It’s okay, Asami. You can do it. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Just…

“Hello?”

“Hi,” Sayuri whispers, sending a frisson down my spine all the way to my tail. Being quiet like this, it’s like she’s sitting right next to me. “Sorry, I just realised my dad’s not up yet and I don’t wanna wake him.”

“… It’s okay. I can hear you just fine.”

“And sorry for asking to call you out of the blue like that. It’s just – it’s harder to overthink things if I’m actually speaking to you.”

“I… see.”

“And sorry if I’m being awkward, I –”

“Get to the point already,” I snap. And here I was hoping at least one of us could be straightforward (her) and lead the other (me) through all of this. Now that she’s waffling all apologetic like this, I’m even more flustered than I was before.

“Right, right, sorry. Erm, I guess I was just wondering… are we dating now? ‘Cause we did end up confessing to each other, then kissing to seal the deal, but then you kicked me out the door right before we got a chance to talk things through, so I’m – yeah.”

“Yeah…”

How do I even begin to explain what happened there? I wasn’t even thinking about her feelings back then. All I was worried about was getting her away from me before I could mess things up and now please please please tell me I didn’t screw it all up I should just go find a ditch –

No, I should just tell her the truth. If this is really meant to be, might as well not start things off on a fib. After all she’s done for me, I owe her as much.

“Sayuri… for the past couple of days, I’ve been in heat.”

“Eh?”

“I know,” I groan, “it’s so dumb. But the sun is out all day, and I’ve been getting back into running, and eating better, and stopped stressing all that much, and I love you, and because of that my body wants you, and I was already struggling to get a grip on myself and I felt that if you stayed even a second longer, I would’ve just –” I bite my lips, clear my throat “– you know.”

Judging by the long, pregnant pause, she doesn’t. Not sure if that’s good for me, though. Because the longer the silence stretches, the longer she has to make sense out of my feverish rambling, and once she does, well – who knows?

“That’s… a lot, gee,” she says, stunned.

“Yeah…”

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Sort of. I’m still a little feverish, but I think the worst is behind me now.”

“You think you’ll be coming to school today?”

“I think so. With how my grades are looking, I don’t know if I can afford to miss another day.”

“Good, good.” She shuffles in her seat, bedsprings creaking underneath. It’s coming across pretty faintly, and it could be a million other things, but I’m pretty sure I can hear her chewing on her cheek right now. “I love you too, by the way.”

I could barely register it the first time she said that, the skinship we shared overriding any deeper thought. Now that I’m sober, and I can actually parse every ounce of meaning behind those three words, I am beside myself. I’m so happy I think I’m about to cry, but then I realise something.

The way I’m feeling, it is physical in an obvious way – my gut is twisting itself into knots, my pulse is going a mile a minute, I’m purring like a plane before take-off (thank goodness, for low mic quality) – but it’s also deeper than that in a way I can’t easily describe. It’s a whole new sensation, something that goes beyond my senses, my impulses, the instincts that steered me all my life. And it’s nice. It’s peaceful, really. Humanising.

“Umm, Asami?” Sayuri asks, bringing me back to reality.

“Hm?”

“…Do you think we could maybe get together before school? I don’t want to pressure you or anything, especially since you’re still recovering, but there’s still a lot more I wanna talk about and – I’d rather do it in person. I wanna… hug you.”

My word, she’s so cute…

Part of me wonders what this may all be about, though I suppose there’s a couple obvious things we need to settle.

Are we dating? Yes.

Are we really sure about it? Also yes.

Are we gonna be out in public? Dunno, really. I wouldn’t mind it, for one, but it’s not up to me to decide. Even if I weren’t who I was, just the fact that we’re both girls would be enough to get us a lot of dirty looks. But the thing is: I’m used to that kind of treatment. She isn’t. And if it saved her from all the nastiness I had to go through, I would have no objection to hiding our relationship. Though I’ll admit, I’ll probably hate every second of it.

Maybe one day, the world will be a nicer place for me, for us, for everyone. Maybe that day isn’t too far away from us, or maybe it’ll never come. Whichever the case, I won’t let them break me down until I’m nothing more than dust. I will survive, and if I had my doubts saying this before, now with Sayuri by my side I can claim it with perfect confidence.

“I’d love that,” I say, already gazing around the room, looking for my uniform. “Text me when you get to my stop. I’ll meet you on the train, and we can go from there.”