Thoughts and Feelings

Rena's eyes opened to an unfamiliar setting. She looked around and saw Sakurako sitting in a chair near her bed. She was in the hospital but she doesn’t know why. She was confused as to what happened earlier. All she remembered was arguing with Sakurako and then nothing after that.

“What happened? Why am I here?”, her voice sounded weak as she asked Sakurako.

“You fainted at home. I called for help and the ambulance came to pick you up.”, Sakurako explained to her grandmother.

Rena didn’t say anything. She didn’t know how anything like this could’ve happened to her. “How?”

Her room door opened and the doctor came inside. “Good to see you’re awake. Are you feeling okay?”

“Mm.”, Rena said softly.

“It seemed you had a minor cardiac arrest. Nothing in your tests showed any sign of problems. Seems like it could’ve been extreme stress that caused it. Make sure you’re giving yourself adequate rest and don’t work yourself too hard.”, the doctor informed her. “We’ll keep you in here for a couple of nights in case anything gets worse.”, the doctor left the room.

Sakurako felt bad and was blaming herself. She felt like it was her fault that her grandmother was feeling so much stress lately. If only she didn't bring up the past to her grandmother; if only she hadn’t been so curious. She could’ve let this go a long time ago but instead chose to keep digging into the past. A past that her grandmother wanted to forget.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”, Sakurako apologized.

“It wasn’t your fault.”, Rena didn’t want her granddaughter to take the full blame.

“Yes it was, you were so happy before all of this even happened. I came back and just had to keep looking for answers. I knew you wanted to let go of the past but I let my selfish interest take over.”

“Sakurako, you don’t have to blame yourself. I caused this stress upon myself. I thought I was able to let go, but this just proved that I was just suppressing my feelings. If I did let go before, it wouldn’t have taken a big toll on me like now.”, Rena admitted. “I let the past take control of me. What I said to you before was just my guilt talking. I just keep thinking of Kaori and now that her soul is back, I didn’t want it to be gone again. I wanted to stay with it for as long as I can.”

“Grandma, I want to ask you something.”, Sakurako was hesitant to ask this question because she felt like it seemed as if she was doubtful of her grandmother, “Do you only love me because…I’m Kaori.”, Sakurako couldn’t face her grandmother after asking this. She was afraid that her grandmother would be angry that she was questioning her love.

Rena was quiet. Sakurako looked up expecting her grandma to be disappointed, but instead was met with a small smile.

“Grandma, I’m sorry. It’s not in my place to ask you something like that. I didn’t mean to doubt you.”, Sakurako quickly said.

“It’s not a bad question. I’m not angry. I’m glad you asked that.”, Rena said calmly. “For a while, when you were born, I asked myself that too.”

Sakurako was surprised to hear that.

“I’ve always wondered if my love for you was because I knew you had Kaori’s soul. I didn’t want to give you the love I had for someone else. But after a while, I realized that my love for you was different than the love I had for Kaori.”

“But, you said we’re the same. How do you know it's different?”

Rena gave a slight chuckle, “You both may share the same beautiful soul, but you two are vastly different people. Kaori was sweet, open, and forgetful. You are closed off, more independent, and more courageous. I loved two different people who just happened to share the same soul. If I only loved Kaori, I would’ve tried to change you to be like her once I found out you were so different. So you don’t have to wonder if I truly love you or not. I love you as Sakurako.”, Rena gave her a big smile.

Sakurako had tears forming in her eyes. Her doubt was washed away by her grandmother’s words.

“But that was my problem yesterday.”, Rena continued, “Seeing you so scared, it reminded me of Kaori so much that I was putting her in your place. I forgot that you two are different and just tried to treat you like how I treat her. With her, I pushed her to do things and was very protective, but with you, you already push yourself and are stronger than I was; with you, I’m learning to be more calm and relaxed knowing you don’t need me to protect you much. I should have more trust in you.”

“Thank you for worrying. You know, talking about this makes me wonder if Chiharu sees me as Kaori too. Back in time, when Mr. Tanimoto was talking to me, he told me how Chiharu went to the sakura tree everyday to wait for a part of his soul to come back. Suddenly, I show up. I know that he has some feelings for me but I wonder if it’s just feelings for Kaori and he doesn’t love me for me.”, Sakurako felt a bit sad to hear herself say this. Now she’s just questioning everyone's love for her.

Rena found it surprising that Sakurako was experiencing such negative thoughts about yourself. “Like I said before, you two are different. He may be familiar with your soul but if he’s falling in love, it’s because of you. Even with soulmates, you still have to make it work. You’re meant to be together but it doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy; recognizing each other is the easy part, trying to get along is the hardest. Kaori and Chiharu just happened to recognize each other and get along well.”

Sakurako thought her grandma was right. She technically never told him that she shared Kaori’s soul. He’s falling for her because she is Sakurako, not Kaori. Her words made her feel better about herself again.

“So, can I still go see him?”, Sakurako wanted to get her grandmother’s permission.

Rena sighed and was hesitant to give an answer. “I trust you to make the decision for yourself. I know that you are smart enough to do what’s best for you. I have my opinion but I won’t tell you. I’ll let you think this through for yourself. Whatever seems right to you, go with it.”

Sakurako was glad to hear that. In her heart and mind, she knew that it was the right thing to do. She didn’t want to regret anything; she already knew that Chiharu won’t change his mind and she knew herself that it could never work out either, but at least she’ll be able to put her feelings out in the open.

Rena knew that Sakurako was planning to go. Seeing her granddaughter’s eyes filled with happiness made her happy. Even if she was still worried for Sakurako’s safety, she trusts her very much. “It would be nice to see your soul healed," Rena thought to herself.

Their room door opened and a child was standing at the front door. Sakurako, Rena, and the child were just looking at each other. A man, most likely the child’s father, came up and grabbed the child’s hand.

“Come on, we have to get you checked up. Sorry about that.”, the dad was embarrassed because of the child.

“No, let go. I don’t want to.”, the child freed herself from her father’s grasp and ran again.

“I’m sorry, she’s scared of the doctor.”, the father quickly explained. He closed their room door and dashed through the hall.

Rena let out a small chuckle which turned into a hearty laugh. 

"Grandma?"

“I'm sorry, this reminded me of a memory I had at the hospital. After the fire, I was sent to the hospital in case I had injuries and I was released the next day. I remember as I was leaving the hospital, I saw Chiharu come in with a strange girl. He wanted her to get checked by the doctor but she refused to, then she just ran out of the hospital. I wonder what happened to her.”, Rena smiled.

Sakurako realized what her grandmother was talking about. It was when she first went back in time and saw her grandmother in the hospital. She didn’t say anything and laughed along with her. “She’s with you in this room right now,” Sakurako thought.