Days 196-209: Leo

May shifted in her seat hugging her knee slightly as she looked out the window. “Are you sure about this? You’re supposed to meet up with Ava today right?”

“Yeah, but I’m not letting you walk all that way alone. But it’s kind of weird seeing you this nice and worried about me.”

“Shut up. Just worried she might end up leaving you.”

“I don’t think she would.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I just trust her—that's it.”

“How can you just blindly trust her like that? You’re going to be a week late. Hell, I would leave you.”

“I don’t know honestly. Just something about her is comforting to me so it’s easy to trust someone like that. And I know she trusts me too. So I gotta make this quick trip to get back to her.”

May giggled a little, “That’s some crazy logic you know.”

“Yeah, definitely it is.”

The original plan to meet back up with Ava had changed a bit. I asked May if she knew where to go after I left but the only problem was her ride. She said that she and a few people plan to meet at a location that would take a few days of driving to get to. May originally planned on walking there but I couldn’t let that happen so I offered her a ride. I didn’t mind since she was a lot of help with my problems and I’m sure that Ava would be happy to help her out. We had a long month at the trail with the waterfalls so May passed out for a couple of hours on the first day. I needed to catch up on sleep too so we would rest at random places. This might take us over a week but hopefully speeding can make up some time. Well, I guess it’s not speeding anymore since there are no cops to enforce that law. The driving was peaceful and not much happened, the most difficult thing was to stay awake when it was night time. May told me that she would try to stay up to talk but when we would run out of things to talk about she would instantly fall asleep. It was fine—I didn’t expect her to stay awake anyway. After a few days of driving May asked me an odd question.

“Hey Leo, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, sure.”

May’s voice became quiet, almost lost beneath the hum of the tires. “Have you ever tried to kill yourself.?”

I was taken back by her question and couldn’t immediately answer. “Uh, that’s an odd question. Why do you ask?”

“Well just with the end of the world and all it’s been on my mind.”

“Makes sense I guess…”

“So?”

“So what?”

“So have you?”

I didn’t want to answer at first because I was so ashamed of my actions but I had to be honest with her. After all, she has helped me a lot and it’s my turn to return the favor. “Yeah, a few times. Not directly, but in ways that came close.”

“Could you elaborate?”

…

The word got stuck in my throat for a second. Seemed like May noticed cause she said, “Oh if it’s too hard to say then you don’t have to tell me.”

“No, don't worry, I want to help you out since you did a lot for me. So don’t be scared to ask anything.”

“Wow, looks like it was worth it for me to sit through all you talking then.”

“Still trying to be funny huh?”

“Trying and succeeding.” May said while crossing her arms with a proud look.

“Sure… But yeah I can elaborate. I tried jumping off of a bridge awhile ago to kill myself. But I ended up stopping myself.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Yeah, I got a notification on my phone saying that the world was about to end. Once I saw that I realized I was going to die no matter what so I’ll try to live a little longer.”

“What made you want to do it?”

“I guess I was guilty over my friend's death. He saved me you know—but it cost him his own life. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live after that.”

“Oh… but you said you did it multiple times. You mind talking about those times?”

“I don’t mind. The other times weren’t as direct as the first time. I tried to get into dangerous situations to save Ava and end my life. I wanted to die but I thought if I saved someone before dying then my life would be worth something.”

“Did you really think your life meant that little?”

“Yeah, kind of. And on top of that the guilt was eating me alive.”

“What made you want to stop?”

“Ava did…”

“You really do love her don’t you?”

“Yeah but she also pulled a gun on herself.”

…

May’s head turned sharply, her eyes wide. She leaned in so fast her seat belt snapped taut, “HUH?”

“WOAH BACK OFF WE’RE GOING TO CRASH!”

She jerked back. “OH SORRY.”

After a few seconds of awkward silence and rapid apologies from her, she spoke again. “So, ahem, like I said earlier—HUH?”

“Yeah I know right. She had the gun pointed right at her head and threatened to kill herself on the spot.”

May blinked, still stunned. “She’s a little crazy, isn’t she?”

“Maybe just a little. But when she did it she confessed her love to me. In that moment I felt joy, genuine this time.”

“Is that when you started to value your life?”

“Yes. Having Ava meant the world to me so once she left me I ended up in that pathetic state you found me in.”

“Wow, that's kind of scary. Someone can have that much power over you.”

“Love is a truly scary thing. It has the power to breathe life into someone just as easily as it can take that breath away.”

“Wow, so profound. Definitely wouldn’t expect someone like you to say that.”

“That’s a little rude considering I’m driving this much for you.”

She lets off a little chuckle, “Sorry.” She didn’t mean it. “So without her you wouldn’t value life?”

“Like life in general?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean I did value life. I told you about how killing affects me so I do value it. Life is important because without it you’ll end up as a hollow shell of your former self.”

“Were you not worried that that might’ve been you?”

“Well to me it was something I felt like I deserved. On top of that I wouldn’t be around to see myself in that state either way.”

“I guess you’re right. But isn’t death what makes life so valuable? I believe that things have value because the opposite exists. Like how can we know that we’re happy when we’ve never been sad.”

“I guess but doesn’t that mean that death destroys the value of life.”

“I believe it’s the opposite. Death is the thing that gives life value.”

I couldn’t believe what I had heard. All this time I have been resenting death, thinking that it’s the worst thing ever. But someone was here telling me how good it was. It’s kind of odd hearing a different perspective from my own. I guess I’ve never talked to Ava about this type of stuff so I could only hear my own thoughts about it.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who can say insightful stuff.”

“That sounded a little sarcastic…”

“Who knows, maybe it was? Doesn’t the mystery of it make it all the more interesting?”

“Now you’re definitely making fun of me.”

May’s shoulders dropped, but her hands stayed clenched in her lap. Her gaze was distant now—focused on nothing outside the window. She wasn’t trembling anymore, but something about her posture felt...tense. Like she was waiting for a blow that hadn’t landed yet.

“Hey so if you happened to see a body again—would you break down?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I hate seeing people in that state but I feel like I’ve gotten better at handling it. In all honesty I have no idea how I would react… What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, how would you react?”

“I guess I would be sad but at the same time be happy for that person.”

“I don’t get it. How could you be happy for someone who lost their life?”

“Well first, I would definitely be sad that someone had died. But when I look at the body I would think about the life they had lived and how happy they were living that life. Even though the person’s life has ended, it still doesn’t change the fact that it happened.”

I get what you mean. But to me, death strips someone of everything they were. That loss overshadows their past.”

“Looks like we just have to agree to disagree.”

“Yeah, but with all this talking about dying it makes me think that you’ve seen a thing or two.”

“Maybe…”

“You know you can talk to me about it right?”

“Yeah, and you’ve been a lot of help already. So don’t concern yourself.”

“Alright but if you have a problem please let me know?”

“I’ll see.”

“You’ll see?”

“Yup, can’t tell you right away. Doesn’t the mystery of it make it all the more interesting?”

“Ha ha very funny.”

“Thank you. I take pride in my comedic skills.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“I know you were just holding in your laughter.”

I let out a soft chuckle, my eyes flicking to her briefly. The corner of my mouth tugged upward—almost involuntarily.

“See, caught you.”

Damn, she got me.

“I was only smiling because Ava popped into her head.”

“Yeah sure whatever.”

“Is that a hint of jealousy?”

“Ew, definitely not.”

“It’s fine I’m sure Ava will still accept you no matter what.”

“Gross, unfunny and weird. Not a good combo. Ava will definitely leave you soon.”

“Ouch, didn’t have to be so blunt.”

“Sorry it’s just the truth.”

We shot each other's looks then shared a quick laugh.

“But I’m just saying, if this place ends up being dangerous then we wouldn’t mind having you around.”

“Using my remaining days third wheeling? No thank you.”

“Very funny, but seriously—don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

“I think I’d rather die than watch you get lovey dovey… But thanks—that means a lot.”

We eventually arrived at May’s destination—another hiking trail, not the safe house with friends or family I had expected. She wanted to head up the trail right away, but it was getting dark, and the drive had drained us both. I convinced her to wait until morning. Though reluctant, she agreed. At sunrise, we packed food and water and began the walk.

For it being so early in the morning, May was full of energy. Her face lit up with excitement as she said, “You know, the view from the top is going to be beautiful.”

I couldn’t hold in my yawn, “I hope so for making me get up this early.”

“Would you rather sleep in and have me walk all this way by myself. Who knows what dangerous things could be out here?”

“You don’t sound too scared.”

“I am very so so. Just bad at showing it.”

Her grin said otherwise. “Sure, whatever you say.”

May started rapidly tapping around her pockets and she looked into her backpack.

“Did you forget something?”

“Yeah, sorry. Could you wait here so I can grab it real quick?”

“I don’t mind going with you.”

“Nah, it’s just some food. I’ll be back quickly, just sit here and wait.”

“Sure, I guess.”

She ran off and I decided to sit down. Despite all the walking, hiking was kind of peaceful. Being outdoors and just admiring nature as we walk is kind of fun. I’ll take Ava to a trail when I get back to her. I eventually fell asleep waiting for May.

“Hello, anyone here?”

I raised my head and noticed that May was back.

“You sure took your time.”

“Sorry, it was kind of hard to find.”

“What’d you even forget?”

“The candy we got at the gas station.”

Why does she keep looking over to the side? It’s kind of suspicious. But why would she be hiding something like this? Unless…

“Alright, now that I’m back let’s get going.” She started to race walk as fast as she could.

“Hey May…”

She immediately froze in her place, “Y-yeah?”

“I could’ve sworn you packed your gummy bears already.”

“Uh m-maybe.”

“So whose candy did you end up taking?”

May immediately started to run, “SORRY! YOUR’S WERE JUST TOO GOOD!”

“GET BACK HERE AND GIVE THEM BACK!” I said while chasing after her.

After a lot of chasing, May admitted that she ate all of them on the way back to me. That was probably why she was taking so long. She offered me some beef jerky to make up for it but it wasn’t good enough. Besides, the beef jerky was mine anyway so it didn’t matter what she offered. Even though I lost my prize possession of sour gummy worms, it was fun to chase her for a bit. While I was chasing her she looked freer than I’d ever seen her. It didn’t make sense. That smile… I’d never seen her look so alive. It was nice to see her like this, it reminded me of Ava. Plus, we gained a lot of distance without even knowing it too.

When we finally stopped, we were both breathless with laughter. I flopped down next to her and looked out at the view. She stood quiet, arms crossed, eyes on the horizon. Her smile was still there—but now it looked... different. Not mischievous. Not smug. Just soft. Peaceful. Too peaceful.

I turned back to the view, she wasn’t wrong about the view, it was beautiful. The entire trip we were surrounded by trees but being here now feels so free. I could see the forest below us and how far it stretched out. The few hours of walking was actually pretty worth it. It was sad that this was the last time I was going to see her though. As I looked around, admiring the view, I noticed something. The entire area was empty.

I stood up and turned to her. “Hey… where’s everyone?”

She didn’t answer.

“You said you were meeting someone up here, right? But no one’s here. You could still come back with me—”

“I have a surprise,” she said, cutting me off. “Close your eyes.”

“What—”

“Please. Just for a second.” Her voice was a little shaky.

Reluctantly, I did. “Okay…”

“Surprise.” Her voice was low and soft.

I opened them—and my stomach dropped. “H-hey. What are you doing?” My voice cracked. “Put that down.”

May was holding a gun by her head. But she didn’t answer me.

“HEY PUT THAT DOWN! IF THIS IS A JOKE THEN IT'S NOT FUNNY!”

She smiled. “Woah now, don’t scream. I want my last moments to be peaceful.”

I lowered my voice. “Okay. Joke's over. Put the gun down.”

“Sorry, no can do. This isn’t how it’s supposed to turn out but I had some inspiration.”

“What do you mean?”

“Originally, I didn’t want you here. I thought it’d be easier—just come up, take one last look, and go. But then you gave me something I didn’t expect—someone who listened, who cared. I guess… I wanted someone to hear me, even if it hurts. Part of me hoped you’d talk me out of it. But now that I’m here… I feel happy, I feel ready. Sorry for being selfish, I’ll make sure my last words will help you out.”

“Just put the gun down. We can talk without the gun near your head. PLEASE!”

I took a step forward hoping I could take the gun from her. She quickly hovered her finger over the trigger, “Don’t take another step just—please. Just let me say what I need to say so we don’t have to drag this out. You do need to go back to Ava as quickly as you can right?”

“Why are you doing this?” My voice trembled.

“Good question... I guess it’s only fair, since you shared so much with me… Well, I’ve no longer got anything to live for. I’ve lived my life and now it’s time for me to end it.”

“What do you mean? What about your parents? What about the person you’re supposed to meet up here?”

“They’re all dead. And there was no one I was supposed to meet up here.”

“W-what?”

“The original plan was to get up here to take my life and by the time I get here the year basically would’ve been over. But I was lucky that you offered me a ride so I guess I got here a little earlier than expected.”

“No… that can’t be true.”

“If they were alive, would I be wandering with a stranger? You really need to think more.”

“THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR JOKES!”

“Sorry, force of habit. But I always planned to die here. Having fun was a nice surprise though.”

“But there is still so much time left before the end. Why die so early?”

“Well I completed what I wanted to do with my life. That’s the pretty version, right? ‘Completed what I wanted.’ The truth is—I’m tired of hurting from loneliness and guilt. Above all this I just want to be with my friends and family again. In all honesty, I was supposed to die with them so it’s a miracle I’m here actually.”

“You could’ve talked to me about it. It’s not too late to back out of this.”

“Yeah I could’ve—but that wouldn’t have changed anything… My life is complete now—so the only thing left is to give it value.”

…

“But before I die, I want to tell you something. Remember when we were talking about dying that other time, we ended up talking about the value of life and all that. You said you valued life because you couldn’t stand seeing someone reduced to a lifeless corpse. As I thought about what you said I realized something, you don’t truly value life. You only fear death.”

There was a complete silence that was only interrupted but the noise of the wind blowing on the branches.

“W-why are you telling me this now?”

“Because—I’m here to help you get over this fear.” May started to smile ear to ear and her face gleamed with happiness, “I’m about to die and I’ve never been so happy. Even after pulling the trigger I’ll still be happy. No matter what I look like, I lived a fulfilling and fun life, all the way till the end. So when you see my corpse don’t think of it as me. My body is just something I’ll leave behind. It’s not me. I just… I wanted you to know I wasn’t scared. I was here. I was real. And I was happy—at least for a little while. Being dead just had to happen to show the importance of my life. So don’t you dare be sad or traumatized by my corpse!”

“Please don’t do this! I’ll be sad to matter what, just put down the gun.”

“I knew you’d say that, that’s why I wanted to kill myself alone so that you wouldn’t l know it happened. But I wanted my last words to help you out and I wanted to thank you for such an amazing time. My plan was to visit these places because they were dear to me. I did it not for fun but to remember what I had. Having that experience with you was a good bonus so I thank you for it. Having this gun here was the only way to get everything out without you getting in the way. I should thank Ava—her way let me talk to you a bit first. Maybe being crazy has its benefits.”

“STOP MAKING JOKES—please. Put the gun down, I’m begging you…”

She smiled—brighter than ever. “Sorry, can’t. I was a little hesitant at first, but now I think I’m ready to go. It’s odd, I’m about to die, and I’ve never felt so free. So when you see my body… don’t think of it as me. I’ll already be gone. Just remember that I was happy when I was alive. Being dead is only the end of the story—not the meaning of it.”

“Don’t do this,” I whispered. “Please.”

Then she smiled one last time—and closed her eyes.

“Thank you.”

BANG

As she lay there, lifeless, she was still smiling. Her eyes were closed—she knew how much I hated seeing lifeless eyes. Maybe she wanted to make sure I wasn’t haunted when she left. I looked at her body. Limp. Still. And for a second, I expected the usual flood of memories—my parents, John, the trauma. But that’s not what came. I saw Ava. Laughing. Talking. Even all the stupid jokes she made. May was right. What she said helped. Even though her body became an empty shell of show she used to be, this wasn't her. She’s gone—and her life didn’t lose meaning because it ended. It had meaning because she lived. Because she smiled. Because she helped. But that didn’t stop me from crying. I still fell to my knees. I still begged her to come back. And of course, she didn’t.

When I finally stopped shaking, I started digging a grave with my bare hands. The dirt was dry and hard—just like when I buried my parents. It wasn’t deep, but it was all I could manage. I laid her to rest and whispered one last thank you. The walk back to the van was long and quiet. My legs ached, but my chest hurt more. When I opened the door, I saw it. The candy that she stole from me was still on the passenger seat along with a note.

Sorry for lying to you and stealing your gun. But hey, at least you still have your candy.

That idiot…

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

On the road back to Ava, I kept asking myself why I hadn’t noticed. She seemed happy. Why would someone happy do this? But then I remembered something I saw once. Sometimes, people right before they die… they look relieved. Like they’ve finally won. Like something’s been lifted off them. That’s how she looked. Maybe that’s what her smile really meant. Not peace. Not victory. Just… the end of pain. I couldn’t save her. But she still found a way to help me. Someone like that deserves to rest.