Days 210-227: Ava

I waited another full day, but Leo still hadn’t shown. The motel parking lot buzzed with insects, otherwise silent. I looked up at the moon—sharp, white, hanging alone in a sky scraped clean of stars. As the moonlight gleamed on me I felt a sense of comfort. I couldn’t help but think that he has given up on me for leaving him. Even so, I still want to wait for him. When headlights finally cut through the dark, I sat up, heart crawling into my throat. A white van pulled in, slow, deliberate. A man stepped out, eyes swollen, tear tracks, and hollowed face. It was Leo. He stopped for a second—like he couldn’t believe I was real. His face crumpled. Then he ran. My legs moved on instinct. My chest hurt, like it couldn’t contain everything I felt. We collided halfway, knees giving out, arms locking, like the world had stopped spinning just for us. He was real. He was warm. He was shaking.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry for being late.”

I tried to keep it light, even as my throat burned. “You look like a mess.”

“Yeah, I know,” he mumbled, face pressed into my shoulder.

“I guess that's punishment for being late.” I let the silence stretch for a beat before it snapped under my own voice. “I’m sorry too. For leaving. I thought I was helping by walking away but... I should’ve stayed.”

“No. Don’t—don’t do that. You tried. I just... I didn’t want help then.”

I pulled back to look at him. He looked worse up close—exhausted, barely holding together. “Are you okay? Have those two months been rough on you?”

“Yeah, kind of…”

When he answered me I felt a sense of happiness. Not because he was going through a hard time, but he was willing to talk to me about it. I can finally help him now, and this time I won’t fail and run off. But he looked exhausted though, I didn’t want to force a conversation on him when he’s in a state like this.

“Have you been sleeping well?”

He shook his head. "Drove straight here. Didn’t want to be any later."

"Let’s get you to bed. Our usual room reeks. We’ll grab a clean one."

“Yeah, sorry about that. I kind of threw up… on the ground.”

"Gross, but noted."

We laughed, brief and fragile, and I got him settled. He was out before I turned off the light. I sat beside him, watching the rise and fall of his chest. Peaceful now, but I couldn’t stop wondering what he’d been through. Whatever it was, I’d learn later. For now, I just wanted him to rest. I crawled in beside him and wrapped my arms around his body. I missed this.

The next morning I woke up and noticed that Leo was still asleep. I was happy that he was able to get some rest but I still felt bad for leaving him like that. I needed a way to make it up to him and what better way to do that then with food. The only problem was that there wasn’t anything good to cook but I remembered a store nearby that I could check out. Hopefully they have something that would be good.

After dressing, I snuck out. The store sat with a few cars in front. I armed myself and made my way in. The smell of rot hit me hard. Flickering lights made everything feel post-apocalyptic in a theatrical way. I wandered around trying to find anything good to eat but the only things that didn't go bad were some canned food and ramen. Seemed like the best thing I could cook up was some ramen and spam. I mean it’s not the best but not the worst either so I can’t really complain. I just hoped that Leo would enjoy it. After grabbing a plastic bag from the front I filled it up with spam and ramen. Also took some chips and candy too—having a little snack wouldn't hurt.

It was surprising not seeing anyone yet; considering there were two parked cars out in front. Just as I thought that I heard someone scream for help. I froze. The voice was irritatingly familiar. My gut said walk away—but guilt rooted me in place.

Should I go to them? It doesn’t seem worth it to put my life in harm's way for someone I don’t know.

While I turned my back to the voice it started to scream again.

Damn it. Fine.

I drew my gun, dropped the bag, and ran toward the sound. A man with a knife had a woman cornered. 

“HEY! DROP THE KNIFE.” I shouted.

The man slowly turned with an angry look and charged at me.

BANG BANG

I let off two shots into his legs. The man fell over and face planted. Ignoring the man I rushed over to the woman.

“Hey, are you okay?”

She was curled up and cowering.

“It’s okay now,” I reassured her “the man is down so it’s safe to get up.”

As I tried calming her down I felt something. It was a nice feeling, it made me feel happy with myself. Maybe helping this person was the right move. I thought that maybe this is what I was meant for. My purpose may have been to help people out. This feeling was quickly ruined though.

As the woman slowly looked up, my stomach turned. “A-Ava?”

My face scrunched in disgust, “Of course it’s you.”

She straightened, smug. "That’s no way to talk to your mother."

"Yeah. Sure."

On the day that man tried to assault me I called my parents and begged for their help. They just told me that I was capable of dealing with it and blocked my number. I guess they were worried about me being a burden to them so they decided it would be better off without me.

“You know, I’m surprised you’re alive too. I would’ve thought that burglar would have killed you.”

“So you did leave me to die then.”

“What did you expect us to do? Drive all that way just to put ourselves in danger?”

Her voice was cold, clinical; I couldn’t even look at her face. It was like she really did believe every word she said. What a disgusting mother.

Not wanting to deal with her anymore, I walked over to the man I shot to try to tend to his wounds. But as I got close he attacked me with his knife. He was able to slash my arm. I quickly pulled out my gun and shot him dead. Letting him live was the original plan but some people are just too stubborn to accept mercy. The slash sting and my blood felt warm as it moved down my arm. I was lucky that it wasn’t a deep wound.

My mother didn’t flinch. “This is why we didn’t want to help you out. Look at you, you could’ve gotten us killed .”

“HUH?! Your daughter just got cut with a knife and this is how you react. I should’ve just left you for dead.”

“You can’t now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your father… your father was killed not too long ago. He wanted me to find you and stay with you.”

Of course. Convenient.

“Wow you’re one lucky person. You found me but I’m not going to be staying with you.”

“Not even if it’s your father’s dying wish?”

Something about her was smug. As it was, she didn’t really care about his death wish, only her survival. Even though I hated my parents, my father was much kinder to me than my mother. I didn’t entirely hate him but I still disliked him. Even so, could I deny his dying wish. And what if I’m meant to help people, leaving her would be wrong.

“So what’s it going to be? You can’t leave your dear old mother here alone.”

I thought about what Leo would do in this situation. He’s a kind person so he wouldn’t want her to die but I’m not like him. At the same time, I do want to try helping people.

“Fine.”

“I knew you would pull through.” She sounded kind of smug. Her tone pissed me off a bit. “Where do we go now?”

“I’ll be going back to where I’m staying. You can stay here and I’ll check up on you. I’ll let you know if we go anywhere far.”

“But you said—-“

“Just be grateful I saved you and am willing to check up on you.”

If it was anyone else I probably would’ve let them stay with me and Leo. But there was something about my mother that seemed like trouble. After patching up my cut and grabbing the bag of food I headed back to the motel. By the time I made it back Leo had already woken up so surprising him was no longer an option.

“Good morning Leo.”

"Morning," he said. "Where’d you go?"

“Just a grocery store.” I smiled, raising the bag, “I’ll be making us breakfast this morning. I wanted it to be a surprise but I was caught up on something and—-“

His eyes widened. “WOAH! What happened to your arm?!”

“Oh this? It’s nothing. Some guy just attacked me but I felt just fine with it.”

“That’s not nothing! Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah totally. Please don’t worry about me. You just lay back and get some rest.”

“Sorry I can’t do that. I have to worry about you, especially if you’re doing something dangerous. I care about you too much.”

My face flushed. "Don’t say stuff like that."

“It’s just the truth.”

“OKAY I'LL START IN BREAKFAST NOW.” I yelled while running out the room.

“JUST BE CAREFUL OKAY?”

“YEAH OKAY!”

Leo would always say embarrassing stuff like this. And every time I would run or turn away embarrassed. Even though it felt weird I had missed this. I’m so happy that he’s back.

After making the ramen and spam I brought it over to Leo. He looked kind of sick so I told him to eat while he was in bed.

“Here you go. It’s all I could find so I hope you enjoy it.”

“Thanks, I love you.”

I cringed at what he said but at the same time it felt nice. All the mixed emotions made me want to get up and run away.

"Eat first. Then say embarrassing stuff. I want to actually enjoy breakfast with you."

He let out a chuckle, "Deal."

Leo inhaled the food. It was as if he hadn’t eaten in days.

“Leo, have you been eating?”

“Uhm, not much recently.”

His face was kind of red and he still looked exhausted. I thought that he looked sick because he hadn’t eaten but maybe he caught something. I placed my hand on his forehead and it was hot. Leo had a fever.

“Hey I think you should stay in bed for the rest of the day. Seems like you caught a fever.”

“Looks like all the lack of sleep caught up with me.”

“Definitely. But don’t worry, I’ll be here to take care of you.”

“Thanks.”

Over the next couple of weeks I cooked and took care of Leo. But the fever still hadn’t died down. He needed some medicine so I made my way back to the grocery store. I could check up on my mom too while I’m at it. My mom looked a little angry but she still greeted me. Well I guess it wasn’t a fretting more of a complaint.

"Took you long enough," she snapped. “Who knows what could’ve happened to me when I was gone.”

“Yeah whatever. Anyways, do you know where the medicine is?”

“Why? You don’t look sick.”

“It’s for my boyfriend.”

"Boyfriend, huh? End of the world hookup?"

“Can you not? I don’t have the time or energy to deal with you right now.”

“No class at all.”

"Just shut up and help."

“Just read the signs.”

I let out an exhausted sigh, “Wow, you somehow still manage to be useless.”

“I’m not the one who decided to hook up at the end of the world.”

What she said annoyed me but I was used to her attitude. Growing up she would try to put me down as much as possible. Any achievement I had would be followed with a backhanded compliment or anytime I would fail she would say that it was expected. I don’t know why but my mother always had it out for me. It’s whatever though, as long as I’m helping someone I guess I’m happy.

I found what I needed and left. She asked me to stay. I didn’t answer. Back at the motel, Leo was still asleep. Not wanting to bother him I just decided to chill outside. There wasn’t much to do so I just prepared soup for when he wakes up.

I wonder what had happened to him while we were apart. Should I ask or… No I can't really ask right now. If it was something bad then it might cause him to have a panic attack. Don’t really want to risk that now, especially when he’s sick.

A couple of hours had passed until it was night time then Leo woke up. I decided to bring his food and feed it to him. I guess I looked a little worried because he asked me if I was okay.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

He wasn't convinced at all, “Are you sure?”

“Uhm, maybe.”

“You know you can tell me anything right? If anything is bothering you then I want to help.”

“Thanks but this isn’t really about me.”

“Uh what?”

“Oh it’s just that I wondered what happened to you during our time apart.”

Leo froze for a moment, lost in thought. Then suddenly tears start rolling down his cheeks.

“Oh sorry! If it’s something and then don’t feel like you have to talk about it.”

He wiped away his tears and smiled a little. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to put on a brave face to ease my worries or not. But something about his smile did make me think that he was going to be okay.

“No, don't be sorry. I was just thinking about a friend who died recently.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Your friend must’ve been a wonderful person.”

“Yeah she was. She was going through a lot and ended up killing herself. But even with her last breath, she still decided to help me.”

“Oh… how did she help you?” My chest felt tight anticipating what he was going to say next.

“She taught me that death isn’t as bad as I thought it was. You know what's weird… When she killed herself she did it in front of me.”

“Why would she do that? Didn’t she know how it would affect you?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly why she did it. Before she pulled the trigger though, she told me how she viewed death. What she said made me think about my parents, not their lifeless bodies but who they were. I was so caught up in the states of their bodies I had forgotten the people they were. All of them: my mom, dad, John, lived fulfilling lives and I was too distracted at the bodies they had left behind. I finally understood that after dying the bodies were no longer them, they had moved on to a more peaceful place. So now, it doesn’t haunt me as much now. I’m just sad I couldn’t save her.”

“Oh…”

I wanted to be happy. Really. That he was healing, that he found peace. But my gut twisted. She got through to him. Not me. I told myself it didn’t matter who saved him, as long as he was okay. But a part of me—the part I hated—wanted it to be me. Needed it to be me. What kind of person thinks that? A strange mix of admiration and resentment tangled in my chest. I hated that I wasn’t the one who reached him. I hated that someone else had, and that it worked. I was supposed to be the one who pulled him back from the edge. Not her. But what does it matter—he's okay now, isn't he? That should be enough. So why does it feel like I lost something?

What’s wrong with me? I should just be happy for him. He found someone that was nice enough to use their remaining time here helping him. So then, why? Why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel so jealous? Why did I have to be so useless? Dammit

The crickets outside chirped like static—grating, endless. I tried to focus on the sound, but it only made the silence between us feel louder. I couldn’t even look at him in the face. I failed at being there for him.

“Hey, is there something wrong?”

“Yeah, everything's fine.” my voice cracked while I tried to hide my emotions.

Not believing me Leo asked, “Please tell me if there's a problem.”

I felt a warm feeling on my cheek so I looked up. It was his hand. When I looked at the time I was met with a comforting smile. 

“I’m sorry.” I muttered.

“For what?”

“I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t able to help you when you needed it the most. I just left and let you deal with it yourself. Worst of it all, I’m making it about myself right now.”

My eyes went right back down to my lap unable to match his gaze. I clenched the ends of my shirt feeling overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Leo started to rub my head, and or a moment the same and guilt started to fade away. “Don’t be. I already told you that I wasn’t willing to open up with you.”

I shot up from the chair and asked him, “Then why do you do it for her?”

Leo scratched the back of his head while thinking about what to say next. “I guess I didn’t care whether I would worry her or not.”

I looked away and whispered, “That makes no sense.”

“Yeah I guess it doesn’t. It’s just that I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.”

“Your problems are my problems so don’t think it's a burden—please." I fell to my knees and grabbed his hand, "I just want to help you. I don't want to fail like how I did before.”

His face was shocked but he still smiled. Trying to reassure me he said, “Yeah okay, just promise me you’ll do the same. I want to help you too.”

“Yeah, I promise.”

After a quick moment of silence I got under the blanket with him. He felt hot, probably because he was sick but it felt nice. Even though he was going through so much he still managed to find a way to comfort me. I just wanted to be by his side no matter what.

“Hey, get out of there. You’re going to get sick too.”

“I don’t mind if it means I’ll be able to be with you.”

“But if we’re both sick then something bad could happen.”

I clung on to him and said, “Then we’ll deal with it when it happens. For now, I just want to be with you.”

“This isn’t like you.”

While gripping him tighter I said, “You don’t think so?”

“Well I would think that you would make the best decisions for our survival.”

“Being with you right now is better than anything else.”

…

“I’m supposed to be the one who says all the embarrassing things.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t hurt for me to do it once in a while.”

“I guess not.”

We continued to talk up till the birds started to chirp. When I woke up the next morning my nose felt a little stuffy and I felt way more tired compared to usual. I got sick.