Days 228-247: Leo

It’s been a week since Ava got sick, and she’s finally showing signs of improvement. We were running low on food—especially soup—so I headed to a grocery store I remembered passing on the way back. Hopefully there's no one dangerous there. As I was pulling into the grocery store I noticed that there were three cars parked in front of it. That was enough to make me grab a weapon before going inside. The place reeked of rotting meat, lights flickering overhead like something out of a zombie flick. After a few minutes, I eased up, grabbed a basket, and searched the shelves. Most of it was expired or picked clean, but I managed to find some canned goods and a few packs of ramen. Enough to keep Ava going. Once she’s well enough, we’ll leave. I’ve been meaning to take her to the hiking trail May showed me. She’d love the waterfalls there.

On the way out I heard a cry out for help.

Shit, someone is in danger. I have to go help.

I quickly dropped my stuff, drew my gun, and ran towards the noise. Once I got there, I saw a man with a knife who had a woman cornered.

“HEY! BACK OFF!”

He turned at me, angry, and bolted in my direction.

Damn I really don’t want to kill anyone right now.

I lowered my gun and brace myself for the attack. He tried stabbing my chest but I was able to get out of the way and grab his hand. While twisting his wrist he scrambled out in pain and dropped the knife. Once he did I kicked him onto the ground and pointed my gun at him.

“Don’t make me shoot.”

The man slowly stood up and ran away. I followed behind to make sure he left; and after his car drove off I went back to check up on the woman. She was still shaken by that experience but she seemed fine.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The lady grabbed my hand and said, “Yes, and it’s all thanks to you. I’m extremely grateful for your help.”

“Yeah, no problem. By the way, what are you doing here all alone?”

“I have someone who was supposed to check up on me but she still hasn’t arrived yet.”

“Oh, that’s unfortunate.”

Her eyes drifted away while looking slightly annoyed, “Yeah she’s quite the useless one.”

“Oh… I wouldn’t say this person is useless. Times are hard right now so I wouldn’t expect anyone to make it on time.”

I felt a little guilty because her situation reminded me of me being late to meet up with Ava.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I hope this person can make it on time for you though.”

“Yeah I hope so too.”

I waved goodbye and walked back to the motel. There was something familiar about her face, but I couldn’t place it—and probably never would. Ava was still asleep when I got in. I moved quietly, started heating the soup. Just chicken noodle, but I threw in some ramen. It wasn’t much but I wanted to make something delicious for her. I then came up with an idea.

Should I add the sauce too, it’s probably unhealthy but it’ll make it taste way better. I’m sure she’ll be fine with this. She did make me that delicious breakfast so it wouldn’t hurt to make her something in return. Hopefully.

I ended up using the entire packet on it.

“Morning.”

“Morning,” Ava blinked awake, then sat up slowly.

“Here I made you breakfast.” I said while handing her the bowl.

“Thanks but—is it supposed to be red?” She stared at the bowl, frowning like it might bite her.

“Do you not like it?”

Ava forced out an awkward smile and said, “N-no it’s fine. Thanks so much for the soup.”

“Yeah no problem. There’s also a surprise in there too. Made it special just for you.”

“Oh a surprise… awesome…”

Ava lifted the bowl, hands trembling. She stared at the bowl for a second and gulped before taking a sip. When she eventually took one she didn’t react at first. “Oh this wasn’t as bad as I thought. I thought it was going to be insanely spicy.”

“It’s not spicy?”

“Uh, not really.”

“Damn, I wanted to add more flavor to it by dumping the ramen sauce packet into it.”

“R-ramen sauce?”

I nodded. “Yeah, those pink ramen packets with that bird on it. I added the entire packet of sauce.”

She stared at me like I’d just confessed to murder. “The entire packet… Of that pink one…”

I blinked. “Yeah? Is that a problem?”

Out of nowhere Ava started to breathe heavily and sweat. The spice had hit. “I’m not sure if I told you.” She coughed and it seemed like she started choking, “I’m really bad with spice.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah, horrible.”

I jumped up from my seat, “Oh my gosh. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Do you need some water?”

Ava stuck out her tongue and started fanning it with her hand, “Yes. Please.”

I quickly ran to grab a bottle of water. When I got back I saw Ava holding the bowl up to her mouth.

“Hey what are you doing?”

She lets out a little cough, “Finishing it of course. Can’t let your food go to waste.”

“Huh? Didn’t you say you were bad with spice?”

“Yeah, but I can take it. Don’t worry about me.”

“Don’t push yourself too much. You’re sick.”

“No.” She locked her eyes with me, the determination of a warrior radiating from her face. “I can handle it.”

She couldn’t handle it.

As soon as she started to chug the soup she choked on the ramen I had added.

“THERE’S RAMEN IN THIS?!”

“SORRY! I WANTED TO ADD SOMETHING TO MAKE THE BREAKFAST EVEN BETTER.”

“WATER PLEASE! MY THROAT BURNS!”

After drinking some water she went right back to chugging. Surprisingly she was able to do it. She finished the ramen and soup; not a single thing left behind. Ava looked over to me and forced out a smile. She had tears marks on her cheeks and puffy eyes. Ava started sucking in air to cool down her tongue. “WATER PLEASE!”

“ON IT!” I grabbed as many water bottles as I could and threw it all at Ava. Some hit her on the head but the pain from her tongue outweighed everything else. She downed one bottle, then another, then another. Tears streamed down her face. “I think I’m going to be sick.” she whispered.

In a panic I quickly asked, “What can I do to help?”

“Trash can. Please. Hurry.”

After getting the trash can she threw up in it.

“Ugh throwing up burns my throat.”

She continued to throw up.

After things calmed down I brought her the medicine and sat beside her.

I looked down in shame and said, “Sorry about breakfast.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“It was supposed to be a nice surprise but it ended up being a huge pain for you.”

“Yeah it kind of was.”

…

“You know, you didn’t have to be so blunt about it.”

“Yeah, but that’s why it was so great.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, even though you horribly messed up, I’m still happy that you did something for me. And despite the pain, it was kind of fun.”

Ava was so reassuring and radiant, it lit up the whole room. In that moment I realized how much I truly loved her. She shined even brighter than the sun, she was even more beautiful than a field of dandelions in spring, she’s the best.

“You’re so beautiful.” I whispered.

…

“Huh.”

“Huh.”

We both blinked. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

“WHERE’D THAT COME FROM?” Ava screamed while covering her beet red face.

“Sorry it just slipped out.” I awkwardly laugh.

“You’re so weird.” she muttered, pulling her blanket up like it might shield her from further embarrassment.

“Yeah, maybe a little.”

She slowly lowered the blanket and said, “But th-thanks. That means a lot.” Ava's eyes kept moving to me and back to her lap. I could tell that she was trying to keep eye contact but was too embarrassed. “Thanks for sticking by my side throughout everything. I l-love you.” she whispered.

Wait, did I hear that right?

“Sorry, what was that last part?”

“I said I love you,” she mumbled, eyes locked on her lap.

I tilted my head, teasing, “Didn’t quite catch that.”

She groaned, face burning. “I SAID I LOVED YOU ALRIGHT!”

I laughed softly. “I heard you the first time.”

For a second, she just sat there, stunned. Then her eyes narrowed. Without warning, she grabbed her pillow and started jacking me with it.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I laughed, shielding my head. “I just wanted to hear you say it a little bit more.”

“I TAKE IT BACK. YOU’RE THE WORST.”

I grabbed her arm and leaned into her face, “If it makes you feel any better. I love you too.”

She froze. Her cheeks burned even redder. Then—WHAM. She headbutted me. “NO IT DOESN’T. YOU’RE SO WEIRD!”

After things cooled down and I grabbed a tissue for my bloody nose I sat myself beside Ava.

“Sorry, for hitting you so hard.”

“No, don't worry. I kind of did provoke you.”

“Yeah but I think I took it too far. Sorry.”

“If you want to repay me then you could say it again.”

Ava’s face turned pale, “D-Do I really have to say it again?”

“No, I was kidding.”

“I’ll say it if you really want me to.”

“It’s fine. I’ll save it for a different time. But I do have to ask, why did you want to say it so suddenly.”

“It’s just that—I’m just happy to be with you. When we were apart I thought about how my life has been with you compared to how it was before. Before you my life was kind of meaningless so I’m just grateful that you made my life so much better.”

“Oh, thanks. To be honest, I feel the same way. I’m happy to have met you too.”

She hesitated before saying, “Do you know what the point of your life is? Like what’s the meaning of your life?”

“That’s kind of random.”

“Yeah it is. When we had our time apart it forced me to be alone and think. As I was thinking I realized that I didn’t pursue anything my entire life.”

“Weren’t you going to be a doctor.”

“Yeah, but that was what my parents’ wanted. I’m talking about a meaning of life that I’m satisfied with. Like what I want to do or what I’m meant for.”

“I guess I don’t really know. Does it really matter though?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean like I’m happy right now being with you. I feel like that’s all that matters; as long as I’m happy then that’s enough for me.”

“Isn’t bad to be relying on someone else for your purpose in life.” Ava argued.

I had never thought about it that way but I could see where she's coming from. At the same time though, if you're not hurting someone or yourself then it shouldn't matter how you obtain your happiness. “I guess so but there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Especially when you’re not hurting me; so I don’t see it as anything horrible.”

“I don’t really get it.”

“I guess as long as you’re happy then it doesn’t really matter what you’re meant for. It sounds kind of simple minded but sometimes being simple is good.”

“As long as I’m happy huh.” Ava looked off to the distance but it looked like she was satisfied with my answer.

“Yeah.” Memories filled my mind of everything we’ve been through. From saving Ava to meeting her again, the only thing I could say was, “After everything we’ve been through, I’m just happy to be here with you.”

Did I say something embarrassing again? I hope she doesn’t go on the offense again.

“I love you so much.”

I blinked at what she said but it filled me with joy. “Hey! I was saving that for later.”

“Too bad, no refunds.”

We shared a short laugh and I told her to get some rest. When she eventually fell asleep I headed to the city to handle some things. After I killed that innocent man we just left the body. I wanted to go back to ask for forgiveness. There was no way of getting it but maybe I could find some comfort in it.

Why am I even doing this? This would probably make me feel even worse. I doubt that man would forgive me for what I had done.

The city was a mess; tire marks everywhere, trees knocked down, complete destruction. I wondered what kind of monster had caused all of this.

Someone dangerous is probably nearby, I need to be cautious.

I drove to the spot where I had killed the man and slowly got out of my car. My heart sank and my limbs felt heavy. With every step I took I felt weaker.

Am I even ready to do this?

Ready or not, I had to do this before I could move on. And if it made me feel worse, maybe that’s what I deserved. When I reached the bush, I looked down slowly. I’d hoped the body would be gone—but it was still there. Rotting. Still. Because of me. I dropped to my knees and cried. I begged for forgiveness. Over and over. But no one answered. Of course not. I had killed him. As I knelt there, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up—and saw a knife at my throat.

“So you’re the one that killed my husband.”

I stared at the floor, unable to meet her eyes. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Then give me one reason not to kill you.”

Her voice was broken and filled with anger. Rightfully so, after all she had finally found the man who killed her husband. I knew that I could have died in that moment but the only thing I could muster out was, “I-I don’t know.”

…

I swallowed hard, voice barely above a whisper. “In all honesty I do deserve to die. But please allow me to live.”

“Such a selfish request from a murderer.”

“I know. But I want to live—for her.”

“I wanted to be happy with my husband. Now it’s impossible.”

…

She stepped forward, her voice brittle but firm. “Tell me—why did he have to die?”

At that moment I felt like the truth could get me killed. Who would want to hear that the love of their life was killed by accident. Even so, I couldn’t lie to her.

“It was an accident. I thought someone was sneaking up on me and my girlfriend so I started firing at the bushes.”

She took a step back, her face contorted with disbelief. “AN ACCIDENT?!”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“SORRY WON’T BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE!”

The lady dropped the knife and grabbed my collar. “Do you have any idea what my life’s been like since then?” Her voice cracked, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.

I didn’t know how to answer her. I couldn’t come up with anything to say. The lady clenched her fist and winded it back. “ANSWER ME!”

I couldn’t say a word. Then, she punched me in my face. It was hard enough to knock me on my back. Once I fell over she didn’t hesitate. Climbed on top of me and kept hitting. Blow after blow. I didn’t fight back. I didn’t have the right. But somehow, I felt like she was holding back. She wasn’t trying to kill me so I let it happen. Eventually, the punches stopped. She collapsed beside me, sobbing—I think. My vision blurred. I was barely conscious. And then everything went black.

After waking up, I found myself lying on a bed. It was surprisingly comfy but I didn’t really remember how I got there. My head was hurting and my vision was a little blurry. It felt like I couldn’t fully open one of my eyes.

“You’re finally awake.”

“Where am I?”

“At my place.”

“Why’d you bring me here?” I asked.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” she snapped back.

I guess I was right about her holding back and not wanting to kill me. Maybe she did want to kill me but something was stopping her.

“I had no right to fight back. You were justified in beating me.”

“Weren’t you begging for me to spare your life though. It doesn’t make sense why you wouldn’t want to fight back.”

“Well, I guess I knew you weren’t really trying to kill me.”

She pounced off of the chair and pointed a gun at me, “You don’t know a damn thing about me. I could kill you right now.”

“You could but will you?”

She froze in place, trembling. Then her mood suddenly switched to an angry one. “ Are you provoking me right now? How can you be so sure that I won’t?”

“Because, you would have done it already.”

She lowered her gun and dropped to her knees. “I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt someone—anyone. Ever since he died I visited his body everyday, hoping I could get my revenge. I had hoped that you were going to be a horrible person so I could hurt you as much as possible. But you aren’t. So why… Why did you have to kill him?”

What could I say? “It was an accident” wouldn't be enough.

…

I’ll tell her everything.

I told her everything, from my parents’ death till the day I killed her husband. I wanted to let her know exactly why he died; I wanted her to know it was because of my weakness.

“SHUT UP! PARANOIA? TRAUMA? That’s—that’s what killed my husband?”

“I know, it was stupid. I’m sorry. But please.” I got off the bed and fell to the floor. With my hands and knees on the ground I begged her. “PLEASE—just forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m begging you.”

“Are you serious? You really think you deserve that?”

“I came here to face what I did. To ask him for something I don’t deserve. I wasn’t in my right mind. That’s what led to all of this.”

“So what? You should be able to control yourself, no matter how bad you feel. You killed a man, your mental state isn’t a good enough excuse to be forgiven. You should take responsibility for it… and die.”

“I know but… but I can’t do that. I have someone waiting for me and I don’t want to worry her.”

She scoffed and looked away, brushing the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hand. “You selfish prick.”

…

“Get up.” I looked up and noticed that she was holding a can of beer. “Take this.”

“For me?”

“I mean, who else is here? And get back on the bed, I don’t like it when people are groveling at my feet.”

“Could you forgive me?”

She raised an eyebrow, tilting the can back for another sip. “No.”

We sat there for a while and started to talk. Talked about how life was going ever since we found out the world was ending. Talked about our partners, I guess drinking calmed her down a little.

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to forgive you. But at the same time, I can’t pull the trigger. Maybe I’m the weak one here… In my situation—what would you do?”

I thought about it for a second. Her question had stumped me because I'm willing to kill for Ava. But what if it was an accident, how does anyone make sense of that?

“To be honest, I don’t know. I would kill anyone for my girlfriend, but if she’s already dead and I found out it was an accident. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

She crossed her arms and looked even more annoyed. “Wow. Super helpful.”

“Sorry. But if I could give you advice I would say make peace with what had happened.” The lady looked up at me, slightly annoyed. “I have no idea what it is like to lose the love of your life, but I know what it feels like to lose someone close to you. Clinging onto the past doesn’t do anything but slow you do in the present. SO the best thing is to accept what has happened and be thankful you were able to experience such happiness with that person.”

She still stared at me, not amused. “Aren’t you the insightful person.”

“Well this isn’t something I had thought about until I met a friend recently. She’s gone now though—but I would like to carry on her views. What she said helped me a lot, so I want to spread this feeling to other people. Especially on those who I have wronged.”

She lets out a big sigh, “Thanks for trying to help me but this doesn’t bring back my husband. Nothing will. And I’m now alone at the end of the world.”

As soon as she said that I saw it as an opportunity to make it up to her. “You can come and stay with—”

“No thank you. I don’t want to be around the person who murdered my husband.”

“Oh… yeah. That makes sense.”

…

“So,” I nervously said, “What are you planning to do now?”

“I want to kill you right here but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know how it feels to lose someone I love and I don't want to do that to your girlfriend.”

“Thanks for thinking about her.”

“If you were single though I wouldn’t mind killing you. Maybe I would mind a little, but I could get over it.”

After a long silence she told me to just leave. She was satisfied to see the person who killed her husband. But she couldn’t stand being around me any longer.

“Before you leave.” She turned to face him, her voice now calm but deadly serious. “Don’t ever make that mistake again. Not with anyone. No one deserves to die a pointless death—even if their life was fulfilling.”

Her words made me think about May and how there was no need for her to die. She could have been—no. She should have been here with us right now.

After that mess I headed back to Ava and noticed she was still asleep. I sat there thinking. What did I even accomplish by going there? Did it bring me any comfort? I don’t know, but I think me being there helped out that lady. So even if I didn’t get anything from it it wasn’t completely pointless. But the guilt’s still here. Heavy. Loud. I walked out of the room and just sat outside. The night air was cold against my skin, but I barely noticed. Overwhelmed with guilt and sadness, tears just started flowing down my face. I wished I had listened to Ava and controlled myself. But now, there was nothing else to do but look forward. I can’t change what I’ve done but I have to at least learn from it.

When Ava eventually got better we decided it was time to leave but she told me she had to handle one last thing.