who I am is not who I want to be
Let me make one thing clear here before It starts getting too complicated. Karma is not her real name. It is a self-made name that she gave to herself. Before going much deeper into her, I assumed that she is using that name to look cool.
Everything was natural about that girl, Not a piece of her was plastic. We started chatting and playing different games. Everything was going normal. I started telling her about my family, my friends, and all the other things. There was just one thing that I never told her in the duration of our online Friendship. She became a trustworthy online friend. We texted, have a call, and laugh as usual.
On 12 September 2017:
I could hear the phone ringing, and the timing could not have been better. My head ached, and after spending, a full day with my mom and my younger sister: Rin, I was bored and then I went to bed. I had no energy to stop and take a call. I heard my phone ringing again and again, I did not get up to grab my phone. I wondered who in the world would call at this time of the night, Trying to get a hint as to who the caller was, No one came into my mind.
I stood up from the bed and grabbed my phone. Karma was talking, but I could not hear her.
I came outside from my room and called her. To be honest I was filled with energy as I saw it was Karma who was calling me at that time.
This was our first voice call, We started to talk on call at 1:20 am and kept on talking for 2 hours.
Karma: “Well, there isn’t any easy way to say this, so I will just tell you. I am seriously missing you. I am unable to get some sleep this is some serious trouble. I miss my friends.”
Why don't you visit some of your friends? I said to her.
Karma: "I do not have many friends in real life that is why I always try to find friends online."
I was curious and wanted to talk to her. I said:
"But Is there any specific reason for making me, Friend?"
She paused for a while and said:
"I was randomly scrolling down through social media and clicked on a random profile. It was your profile that took my attention. I was into deep thoughts after seeing your photos. I wanted to have you as my friend. It was the first thought that came to my mind after seeing your photos, but I never dared to message you, so I waited for your birthday. I thought it would be a decent way to start the conversation."
We kept on talking for 2 hours. After that first phone call, we did phone calls to each other late at night almost daily. I shared everything with her except one thing.
She did not tell me that She is a Hacker until we met for the first time in real life. She kept it a secret and became closer to me before revealing it.
I was happy to have her in my life until it all started to turn out into something very unpredictable. Everything was going normal. Suddenly My life became Unpredictable. I realized that my Friendship with Karma is not Friendship but a pre-planned game. A revenge game: in which I am playing the role of bait, and she is playing the role of a Hunter. She cut through everyone like a knife, and her hacking skills were like a weapon in that game. She named herself Karma in that game. It was all an unpredictable game.
Unpredictability is what keeps life going. Imagine a world where people know what is coming. There will be no place for different emotions like happiness, anger, sadness, fear. Different emotions are generated because of unpredictability. Without any Emotions, there is no life. If we know everything in advance we will make all possible things to stop them.
My dreams became colder. I was moving, but I wasn't going anywhere. Days were passing by, but my mind was stuck in those so-called 'Golden moments' when she used to treat me like a 'dear irreplaceable' teammate. Everything felt Hollow after; I realized it is just a game for her, and I am just a bait that she was using to win the game. I was nothing more than a bait for her.
I was stuck in the thoughts of Me being 'special' in her team. I wanted to know if there's a replacement for everything in life.
Replacement of Good moments, replacement of time we spend with each other. Is it that easy to replace someone with some new person?
I was staring down myself, counting up the months and days. I used to ask myself: "It's been how many days that I have become a victim of her lies and hypocrisy?"
Was I a 'victim' or was I 'Addicted' to playing the victim? I was confused.
The damage of being a victim was eating me alive day by day. I was feeling as if I've been standing here my whole life and playing the role of the victim because it was easy to defame others for my loss and look miserable than standing up for myself and start to rebuild myself and gain fame. I knew that everyone gets scared of becoming a victim but I had become what I couldn't afford to be a person who loves to play the victim.
When a person plays being a victim, he is looking for attention and often times use it as a tool to manipulate situations and people. He won't take responsibility for his part. He will get people's attention and play people's feelings, seeking sympathy. I couldn't afford to do that. Untying these weight tags has never been easy. I never thought that I could.
I started to wonder why I'm here playing the victim and not there with her. I wanted to have lots of applause and fame as an ' Ethical Hacker.' I was ready to do anything to get what was fair. But fair wasn't what I needed. It was the lesson that I needed to learn from that incident. I couldn't see it at that time and nagged until everyone stopped listening to me and left me behind.
I cried like an ocean in my eyes. I thought it is a storm that will never go away.
A secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you imagine it should be, Focusing on what is happening rather than focusing on creating a scenario in your mind. An escape from your self-made scenarios is an escape from disappointment.
Sometimes your Imagination act as a weapon against yourself, A weapon that hurts you unintentionally just like a knife that you hold to cut the cake and get happiness but sometimes the knife you used on the cake cuts your finger unintentionally and you get hurt.
She was strong, and I was not. I admired her a lot she was my motivation and inspiration.
But I didn't understand why I started hating myself so much when I became just like the person I admired most. I evolved into 'Akane Toru' my role model. Her name was not Karma. It was "Akane Toru." She had a big reason to hide her name. A Reason that she was not responsible for.
(Features of Karma:
Skin Tone: Ivory
Characteristics of skin tone: Porcelain to light skin color, without or with minor imperfections, sensitive, and could easily burn under the sun.
Hair: She had Silky short grey hair. Bangs obscured her eyes like a sheepdog. A narrow strip of hair from the left side was Ebony/black.
Hair Texture: Soft and Silky
Descriptive Hair Color: Grizzled (gray)
Eyes: She had “piercing” blue eyes that were intense enough to feel like they were able to “pierce” another person’s soul.
Cheeks: Chubby cheeks with a Hallow dimple
Chin: Cleft Chin
Jaw: Jaw hallmarked her facial features