who I am is not who I want to be
The year 2017 (The year from where It started)
I am Zack Erwin. Tomorrow is 21st August, and it's my birthday. I am a teenager who loves to play online games with online strangers. I enjoy playing games with online friends. At night time, I play team play games with strangers. I am the one from whom people expect help to win. Once I come to my home after attending school, I go outside with few friends and play Football.
I am a Leo, and that is what I love most about myself. As a Leo, I am Like a ray of sunshine, a Leo has a way of making everyone around him feel better. My warm heart and my appetite for life make me a wonderful friend for everyone around me.
People around me say that the generosity and big-heartedness of Leo's personality can leave them open to disappointment, and Leos are easy targets to take advantage of, but I don't believe it. As being a Leo I open my heart to many people.
I, unfortunately, do not have a girlfriend, as all of my time is consumed by games. I am a normal human without any special talents. Nothing is extraordinary about me.
From last month, I have a strange feeling as If someone is always chasing me to keep an eye on me. I can sometimes hear The sound of heels echoes through the narrow corridor.
At the end of the day, it is just my imagination nothing else.
It is almost midnight. My friends and family are having a little party for my birthday celebration. Screams of children run through the house as bubbles floats in the air and balloons drifts around aimlessly on the floor among the discarded wrapping paper. A stack of unopened presents stands in the middle of the living room wrapped in smooth shiny wrapping paper. A silk bow has been carefully tied around each parcel. Naughty children are looming over the table which is filled with food. They grab some donuts and fill their mouths with sweets.
A huge cake covered in thick white icing and decorated with the number 18 sat in the middle of the table surrounded by brightly colored bowls that are filled with food. Music is being played.
It's loud. My phone is buzzing, but I have decided to ignore my phone and spend time with my family. After the birthday celebration is over, I go to my room and check my phone. I have received many birthday messages.
I am randomly replying to the messages. I can see a birthday wish from an unknown number. I don't know why it is diverting my attention from all other birthday wish messages. Again I hear the sound of heels in the middle of the night. It's almost 02:30 am. Everyone in my home is gone to sleep. I have opened the message from that unknown number.
''Happy 18th birthday, my favorite Leo,''
It feels as if this conversation is the start of something good.
I reply with an emoji and text her:
"Thank you for wishing me."
I have instantly received another message from that number.
"I was waiting for your reply."
I look for the username of that number. It has a username of Karma.
It is a weird username. I am curious to know about that person. It feels as if some new chapter is going to start in my life.
I reply to Karma:
"by the way, I don't recognize this name.
Who are you?"
Karma reply in fractions of a second:
"I am Karma. I am a 19-year-old girl."
It is definitely something interesting. I speak to myself. My mind is flooding up with questions. Curiosity is at its peak. I start to flood her inbox with messages.
My birthday is on the '21st' of August. How does she know it? I speak to myself.
I send her another message and asked her;
How do you know that it is my birthday today?
On that, She has sent me a few pictures of mine playing Football. I am holding a football engraved with my birth date on it.
I think maybe she is a random stalker who likes me. I instantly ask for her Instagram profile, so I can get to know her.
I say to her:
"Can I have your Instagram profile"?
She replies and says:
Sure, why not?
I am excited to get to know her. After she gives me her Instagram profile, I send a follow request to her on her private account. She does not have many followers on Instagram and, her username is "Karma." On her Instagram, I have found some photos of her in which her face is covered with a mask and cap, and some posts about 'delicious' looking food.
However, I am not able to recognize her because those pictures do not reveal her face. She seems someone new to me as I don't know any girl named 'Karma.' My brain has many open tabs, and it's exhausting.
Zack writing in his diary:
It started in the year 2017 when I was an extrovert, Kind and jolly person, A person who wishes to help everyone, who wanted to make everyone happy. I used to help everyone around me to make them feel happy and beloved. After She (an online hacker friend) came into my life, she changed me a lot. She wasn't one of the believers of the concept of 'love' and 'friendship.' She created a meaning of life for herself that she and every other human alive are a 'tool.'
Once she was expressing her thoughts about humans, She smiled sarcastically and said:
"Humans are no more than a tool. You find a more efficient tool. You replace it with the old one. That's the same case for humans. People are stepping stairs for one another success, to win in the race of life."
On Another occasion, I was discussing with her that How I helped my classmates in their project and how I and my classmate became friends. My kind nature attracted lots of students in my class.
On This She said to me:
" You don,t like being Kind and helpful. What you like is the 'Fake affection' of people which they give you as a reward for being kind and helpful. This 'fake affection' removes your loneliness temporarily. People don,t like you. What they like is the fact that you are offering them free services of different types. Once You'll stop helping them for free, and you'll find them against you."
On that, I argued with her for being a pessimist. She was so sure About the Fact that people will replace me; Once, I'll stop being Useful to them.
" Once you'll stop providing them free Services, they'll even forget about your name; They'll forget that you even exist."
I couldn't brush the dust off from old memories of 'us.' I couldn't live with myself any longer.
I was not living in the present moments. I couldn't pretend that I was happy when I was sad. I couldn't pretend that I was strong when I was hurt. I wished all my imperfections could stay hidden. I always felt as if someone is going to prey on me. I knew I couldn't hide; so, if I'll try to run it's not enough. I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped and, then a "truth bomb" came and smashed me psychologically. A truth bomb that revealed my reality to me, a truth bomb that was Smashed upon myself by myself.
I Erased my existence and made myself a "Puppet" which was controlled by my "online hacker friend".
Maybe my definition of a friend wasn't correct; So, I became a puppet.
" Your friends will do good and bad. Are you ready to keep friends if you are hurt, or if you see your friend needs help in time when it takes your comfortable life? "
Whenever I asked this question to my online hacker Friend, she responded like a robot who doesn't know the terms like "Friends," "Care," and "Emotions." It was her who taught me that Some of our Happiness can't be reclaimed.
I was the kind of person who used to smash people with my gnarly truth bombs. Those truth bombs were a sort of a "gift" from me to my family, friends, and other people that "enlighten" them and kept them on the right track!! I was overconfident; but, kind, adorable, and jolly person, who was adored by many people. I lost it all, my friends, my smile, my special, unique, and adorable traits, and my kind heart, the passion for being helpful and Useful for others faded away from me I started hating myself.
" I killed someone, A person who I used to be."
" I killed myself.!! "
My ability to overthink assured me that I was dead. My body had become a puppet of my online friend.
My overthinking overpowered me again and again. It happened because the real world doesn't seem pleasant to me, and I started imagining things or scenarios that gave me pleasure or escape from the responsibilities of real life.
Our dreams are something more fragile than life itself. To protect our dreams, we start overthinking and imagining. In our imagination, our dreams bloom safely.
Often we ruin things by Overthinking and imagining them,
By Overthinking, We start expecting something from someone but then comes the reality 'Everybody loses their mind' when things don't go according to the plan. That's exactly what happened to me. I completely lost my mind after being used and then left behind like a trash can.
No matter how many times I threw the habit of overthinking away, It still found me every time and tried to eat me alive. I knew there was no making it Right.
(Features of Karma:
Skin Tone: Ivory
Characteristics of skin tone: Porcelain to light skin color, without or with minor imperfections, sensitive, and could easily burn under the sun.
Hair: She had Silky short grey hair. Bangs obscured her eyes like a sheepdog. A narrow strip of hair from the left side was Ebony/black.
Hair Texture: Soft and Silky
Descriptive Hair Color: Grizzled (gray)
Eyes: She had “piercing” blue eyes that were intense enough to feel like they were able to “pierce” another person’s soul.
Cheeks: Chubby cheeks with a Hallow dimple
Chin: Cleft Chin
Jaw: Jaw hallmarked her facial features
Nose: Sharp )