Track 5 - “The Whole Sky”

It's night again. I am in bed, staring at the ceiling. I've done much today.

But I am always here. No matter how far I run, I always return to this darkness as if my daily excursion is a simple distraction from this unending reality.

The night engulfs the unique colors of the paintings and returns them all to nothing, leaving me with nothing but my own thoughts. And it is in this span of nighttime I realize that I am still in the same old holding cell. For a moment, I wonder how long it's been since I’ve truly left this room.

In my youth, I was afraid of the dark because I did not know what lay in the dark. Now I am perfectly aware of what is there. I know I am safe. And yet it brings me even greater dread, because now I am perfectly aware of what is not there.

… A long time ago, I was once surrounded by people whether I liked it or not. I was initially uncomfortable due to the lack of privacy, but as time went on, I understood the appeal of communion. Even the darkness was often filled with laughter before I slept comfortably. I believed I was changing. Yet that time, too, came to an end… and I was alone yet again.

That was when I realized that I was still the same person: being a part of a community had simply caused me to forget and ignore all of my irregularities. Now, after spending what feels like an entire lifetime in solitude, those memories of togetherness and companionship have turned into dusty artifacts.

I wonder if this means that I have regressed as a person. I eventually decide that I haven’t: I don’t think I had ever progressed to begin with, so how could I have regressed?

… Perhaps I could sound crazy to some people. My behavior could be seen as antisocial and bordering on several disorders. But believe me, I am not heartless. Just like you, I have dreamt of world peace.

It’s just that I don’t want to believe that I am not allowed to exist as I am now. Changing the fundamentals of who I am for survival would be like saying, “That kind of person does not deserve to live in this world!” … I just can’t accept that. I can’t imagine changing into a different person, looking back, and telling my past self that he didn’t deserve to live. And so, I remain alone.

Perhaps someday, this solitude will come to an end. It’s very likely. But I don’t necessarily look forward to it, because leaving too soon means falling for the same old pitfalls. Instead, I look forward to the day I become comfortable in my own skin… not because anyone tells me that I am loved, not because anyone else tells me anything at all, but because I accept myself for who I currently am.

So, I close my eyes once more, ready to begin another day of solitude.