I Still Believe

“W-w-with the power of my magician’s energy, I shall reach into the ether and through the wisdom of the ancients, I shall divine the item you have chosen! So, is this your card?”

“No.”

The room was silent. Tens of pairs of eyes were glazed over in boredom. I had to get it together. This was my dream, and I wasn’t about to give up on it so soon. You are Jun Akiyama! Future headline magic act in Las Vegas and future esteemed Magic Circle member! This is literally child's play for you! You can be a magical hero to these kids, kick starting a life of dreams and imagination! You are the wise mentor. It is your destiny. Go forth!

“Sorry about that, let’s try again, shall we? Everybody say zip, zap, z-zoom!”

Nobody said zip, zap, zoom. Still, I had to persevere! They say that your fellow magicians turn up in the strangest places. It may seem bizarre for a member of the Magic Circle to appear in the middle of rural Japan, but I believe! Life is full of happiness! If you keep trying your hardest, then there's nothing you can't achieve!

“With the power of my magical soul, I declare that this is your card!” The child looked down on me with the kind of cold dead eyed stare reserved for an anime villain. His being was clearly devoid of emotion. His only purpose? To destroy me spiritually.

“Idiot, that’s a bandaid…And its pink? With a unicorn on it! That’s for girls!”

“I can assure you, young man, that u-unicorns are not just for girls. Did you know that in mediaeval times they used to ground down its horn for various po- ow!”

For my attempt to educate the crowd in mediaeval pseudoscience, I got a quick kick to the shin followed by another, and then another. Each one like a jab at my very soul, my essence. “You're a man who likes girls' things! You're a man girl! And how come you talk like a r-robot? Beep boop! Beep boop!”

I laughed nervously. “You know, Kenta, that really isn't a very n-nice way to talk to somebody who's given up time out of their day to come and do magic for you on your bir-”

I was interrupted by a giant slab of birthday cake hitting my face. Then came balloons, food, soft toys. I looked to the adults in the back of the room for help, but all I got was shakes of the head and tittering giggles. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was the boy’s father. He looked at me with eyes that radiated anger, shook his head, and pointed to the door. I left the building to the shrill cries of “Man girl, man girl!”

This definitely wasn't going to open up some deep rooted trauma.

When I asked if I was getting paid, he slammed the door in my face.

***

“Well yeah, it's obvious that those snot nosed kids don't want to sit and watch a magic show. It’s 2025 bro, those kids have the attention span of a flea. If you really wanted to make that kid’s day you should've, I don’t know, done a funny dance. That way, at least they would've recorded you on their phones and you could've gone viral.”

“Haruka! Where is your sympathy? Your dearest brother has been morally, socially and economically wounded today and all you can say is well, sucks to suck? I just want a bit of support! Things are hard for me at the moment.”

“Things are hard for everyone, Jun. I might help you if you told me what was going on, but you're not exactly the best conversationalist. You know, you were lucky. Mom and Dad didn't seem to mind that you were a little quirky, but they're not here anymore and we have bills to pay. I don’t know how you can be so positive all the time. You're not in eighth grade anymore. As much as you want it to be, life isn't a video game.”

“I’m trying! It's not my fault that my dream isn't to climb the corporate ladder or be a J-Pop idol. Magic is what I was born to do. Even if I wanted to do regular office work, you know I couldn't. I've never said I wanted life to be a video game either! I just… I can't…”

“Yeah? I really don't know what you want me to say, Jun. I've always been supportive with whatever you wanted to do, but… Don't you feel like you're missing out? I don't mean to be that kind of person, but you haven't had a friend over since elementary school, you've never had a girlfriend, you don't go out. I just… I love you and I don't want your life to pass you by. Maybe…”

“Don’t you dare say it.”

“Maybe it's time to find something else.”

"It always comes back to magic! So what if it's unconventional, so what if people laugh! Why can't you leave me be!

“Because you’re not Jun the hero wizard anymore. You’re just Jun.” Haruka shrugged, "Besides, if someone is going to be this passionate about something, they could at least be good at it."

I left her alone in the kitchen and went straight to my bedroom.

I always kept my room spotless. I had a thing about dust. My room was pretty bare, just a bed, my closet and a bedside table with a lamp. The only thing that would distinguish my room from that of a prison inmate, the walls were covered with pictures of magicians and other magic based paraphernalia. Harry Houdini, Penn and Teller, Luis de Matos. Their faces looked down on me, judging.

“I know, all right? I know I suck.” I said this quietly to myself. I didn’t want Haruka hearing me. She didn’t understand. Not even Mom and Dad understood how difficult everything was for me. It takes up all the energy I have to follow along with a conversation. I never know the right things to say, and when I do, I say them at the wrong time. I would always make terrible jokes that nobody understood, always say inappropriate things at the wrong time. Thing is, I would always discover this after the fact, once everyone had decided I'm no good.

Magic is the only thing that ever made sense to me. It's the only thing I've ever done right.

That card trick I did the day of Kenta's birthday. I remember being on vacation in Kagoshima. My parents and I were walking along the promenade.

That was where I saw him. A man in a sparkly red jacket and a bowtie blowing fire and juggling. I was mesmerised. I walked over to him without my parents even knowing. They had to chase after me. I suppose they were just happy that I was interested in something, because they let me stay. When the man asked for a volunteer, I raised my hand as quick as I've ever done anything in my life. When he chose me and I picked a card, which he then guessed, everyone clapped. They were so happy to see me pull it off. For that split second everyone's attention was on me. I was the happiest boy in the whole prefecture.

It was thinking back to that memory that made me realise two things. The first thing was that I am absolutely pathetic. The second thing was that even if that's the case, I needed to be responsible. I did hours of work that day and I deserved to get paid.

I was going to stand up for myself.

***

“Get lost.” The father said to me with a face like stone. “I don’t know who the hell taught you manners, but you've got some nerve randomly turning up to my house like this. You nearly ruined my boy's birthday, do you know that?”

Y-Yes sir, I do. But I feel like I did a lot of work yesterday. I arrived early and helped you put out the decorations. I can appreciate that my magic wasn't up to standard, but I was put under a lot of emotional distress.”

“Emotional distress? You're a grown ass man and you got bullied by children. It was pathetic. You are pathetic.”

“I can see why you feel that way, sir. I do really feel I need to be c-compensated for my time. Things are very difficult for my sister and I at the moment and I-”

He shoved my shoulder hard. I kept taking steps back from the force. Slowly, he pushed me off the step and onto the pavement. “I’m not giving you a penny! Do you know how much you embarrassed me today? I had friends there! Corporate clients! And you made a fool out of me. It took everything I had not to knock you out there and then! I bet your sister is ashamed of you. You're useless. God it feels good to say that now. Thanks for messing up my day, loser.”

He continued to shove me backwards, and I realised we had gone past the driveway and into the road. In my peripheral vision, I could see something coming around the corner and as I took a step off of the pavement, I tripped and fell backwards. Was I pushed? I don't know. The last thing I remember were the shit-eating grins of the father, the mother and the boy, who watched from the doorstep.

Thankfully, I didn't feel the impact of the car. It must've been over quick. I could feel myself slowly fading away. You would think that somebody like me would be glad to be at the end of their life, but that's not true. There's so much of the world I hadn’t seen, so many things I hadn’t done. I wanted to do all of it. I wanted to see the magic of the world.

I still believe.

I still believe in magic.

“I don’t want to go.”