I think the Dragon has a point, mate

“So ya’s telling me that I’m gonna miss watching Saints get relegated to Championship, and it’s all because of some oversized flying bloody lizard?”

“I… think that is correct, if I understand your words correctly.”

“Point me towards the bastard, I’ll do him in here and now, the prick!”

Watching a Saints relegation game was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Well, actually it happens every three or four years at this point, but I still wanna watch it!

“You cannot simply waltz up to the Great Dragon and slay it alone, you utter cretin.” Lotty looked about ready to bash me bloody head in. Almost wanted to see her try, figured it’d be entertaining, but considering I probably needed her advice to get rid of the overgrown salamander that was standing between me and finding out who qualified for the Champions League, I decided against pissing her off even more. For now.

“Alright, alright, I get it, old biddy-”

“I’m 37!”

“-I don’t know how to fight this bloody thing. So you lot gonna tell me what I need to do, or are we gonna stand here like a group of prats all day?”

The seven noble twats looked between each other with a grimace, while the four non-noble twats stared at me like I was the antichrist. Come on, I’m the only one here talking any bloody sense, people.

“Lord above…” said Lotty in exasperation, like a mum pretending she didn’t expect having a toddler to be tiring… wait, would that make me the toddler? “Lancy, just… just take our guests to meet their guides. Please.”

“...me?” replied the bloke next to her, who looked about half her age and double her weight.

“Yes, you. That is your job, after all.”

The chubby chap, whose name was apparently Lancy (fuck sort of name is that?), looked to all the other nobles for help, but all of them just turned away and whistled. Sorry, mate. Looks like you’re on babysitting duty for these four wimps.

***

“You’re… Ser Lancy, right? I read about you in the nomicon,” said the twat in the reading glasses, who had since introduced himself as Benny. “I think… that makes you Lady Lotty’s younger brother, doesn’t it?”

“Technically, yes, I’m her brother. Though she seems to think I’m actually her servant these days,” grumbled the large lad in response.

“Is dealing with us really such a pain?”

“Some of you more so than others.” Oi, why you looking at me, you prick? “But I suppose I should complain less. It was my sister who got me a seat on the High Council, after all.”

“Ahhh, good to see that even a fantasy world is no match for good ol’ nepotism. Right on.” I made sure to put as much sarcasm in me voice as possible, but the sods all ignored me. It’s like they don’t appreciate my input, the bastards.

“In any case,” said Lancy, as if pretending he didn’t hear me at all, “a job is a job. And my job today is to introduce you… heroes… to your guides. I’m sure those of you intelligent enough to actually hold onto your nomicons will know of whom I speak, yes?”

The other four all nodded in agreement. And then no one explained anything. I’m starting to think they’re leaving me out on purpose. It’s like they dislike me for some reason.

Still, I knew the bastards were waiting for me to ask, and I wasn’t about to give them what they wanted, so I decided ‘feck it, I’m staying uninformed.’ And so, we kept walking, everyone else apparently knowing exactly what was happening, and me absolutely none the bloody wiser. The pricks.

Before long, the Wizard Of Wide Bellies turned down a side-corridor and took us through a double door. On the other side was a room a lot more dingy and barren than the rest of this fancy-shmancy manor for rich twats. The walls were grey, and there was only one barred window at the back. The “beds” were just mattresses on the floor, and the space wasn’t nearly enough for the five scruffy-looking inhabitants inside. Seemed less like a bedroom and more like…

“A… dungeon?” said the ginger girl next to me (who somehow looked frailer than the prisoners).

“It not say anything about this in that book of yours?” I asked, and the girl shook her head.

“Indeed. This is where the Hero Guides are given board, until the day they are needed. As should be clear, that day has come. Each of them has been pre-ordained a hero to lead, and they will act as your main companion on the perilous journey ahead. The Drakonomicon should hold within it the name of your destined partner. Please, those of you able, step forth and claim your guide.”

Looking at the faces of the others, I could tell this was the first time me and the Chosen Pansies actually felt the same way about our situation. The word “guide” made me assume we were getting some sort of whimsical talking animal, or at the very least a human who didn’t look one missed meal away from meeting god. I mean, no matter which way you slice it, prisoners with no choice but to work for us, there’s only one thing you could call those.

“Our guides are… slaves?”

“If you’d like to say it that way, ser Benny, then yes, I suppose they are. The magical bands on their arms make them utterly subservient to those with ‘ownership’ over them. That, of course, includes the five of you.”

Ah, I see. Maybe the dragon has a point.

“Are they guilty of a crime or something?” asked Benny. No point rationalising it, mate. Slavery’s slavery, innit. Criminal or not, it ain’t exactly defensible.

“No, their indenture is not punishment, but rather… insurance, if you will. They each wield the rare and incredibly useful power of Analysis Magic. A single look at a person or scene can tell them more than a team of experts would uncover in a day. Such an ability is exceedingly powerful in the right hands, and exceedingly dangerous in the wrong ones. The High Council makes it a point to… monitor individuals with this unique power.”

“Monitor? Is that what you call it? Looks a whole lot like kidnapping and enslavement to me, gaff.”

The tubby cunt shot me a look that seemed to be saying “shut up and stop pointing out the obvious,” but for once the rest of the Earth sods seemed to be on my side. Course, none of them had the balls to say it out loud, but one look at their mugs would tell you they knew this situation was beyond fucked.

“I understand your… distaste for our methods, but once you are deep into your journey I assure you that you will thank us for these drastic measures. Their abilities are more useful than you could possible imagine.”

Honestly, I felt like giving the prick a swift kick in the teeth. But thankfully, I had an even better idea.

“That so, is it? Then let’s give it a quick test, yeah?” I looked over the five poor half-starved sods in front of me, and identified the lass in the middle to be the one in the worst shape. “Oi, freckles. See that armband you got? Analyse it and tell me how to get rid of it.”

“What?! Do no such thing!” yelled Tubs, but I waved him off and told her to go ahead.

“The band is sealed to arm with magic,” the freckled girl said, almost robotically. Her eyes had no pupils, and she barely seemed conscious. “The magic can be undone with a simple unsealing spell. As a legendary hero, your inherent magic abilities should be more than strong enough. Simply point your index finger at my arm and say ‘unseal.’”

“That simple, is it?” I said, raising my arm towards her. “Let’s get to it then. Unseal.” A slight jolt went through my body, and a purple light came from finger. A moment later, that light hit the armband, making it slip down off her arm onto the floor. A second later, the light came back to her eyes, and her stony expression changed to one of confusion, then horror, then pain.

“I… I… how long have…” poor thing didn’t even get to finish her sentence before she doubled over in pain, wrapping her arms around her stomach. Looked like she hadn’t eaten in a week. The bastards.

“Can’t tell you how long you’s been down ‘ere, ‘cept the fact that I know you’s been down ‘ere too long,” I said, walking up to the poor girl and reaching out me hand. “Come on lass, you look ‘alf dead. Let’s get some meat on those bones, yeah? What foods d’ya like? Burger, sausage, fish and chips?”

“I… I don’t remember…”

“Then let’s get to findin’ out, yeah? Come on, we’re wastin’ daylight ‘ere.”

The frail lass looked up at me for a moment, before hesitantly taking my hand and getting to her feet. Considering how much she wobbled, I was surprised she could stand at all. Hell, it was a miracle she was alive.

“You… do you have any idea what you’ve done, you blasted fool?!” said fatso. Careful mate, with your stature even strong emotions might make you sweat buckets.

“Yeah, I know what I did. I freed an innocent lass. And I don’t wanna hear a bloody word from the cockthistle that locked her up in the first place, you hear?” I said. Then I slung the girl’s arm around my shoulder, gave the tubby cunt one last middle finger, and off I fucked.

Sure, I’ll kill your dragon. But I sure as shite ain’t doing it your way, you bastards.