This is your fault, you numpties

“I understood him that time.”

“Yes, your majesty, I believe we all did,” sighed the tart with the lashes. Wasn’t sure if she was sighing at me or His Royal Pain In The Arse. “You… do not know of the Drakonomicon?”

“Wouldn’t ask if I did, would I?”

The seven twats on the thrones all looked between each other as if they was confused. Dunno what there is to be confused about, I said it clear as day. If anyone had a right to be confused it was me, so get to explaining, you tosspots.

“Lady Lotty, you are certain this man is one of the five fabled heroes?” said the old boy with the grey beard bigger than his entire head.

“It says clear as day in the Drakonomicon that only the five heroes even have the capacity to be summoned. If it were not him, he would not be here.”

“Is it not possible that the texts are wrong?”

“If they are, we have a far bigger problem.” The biddy, whose name was apparently Lotty, put her hand to her head and sighed, before turning her attention back to me. “You there, ser…”

“Me? Name’s Archie, but call me Arch instead. Only pansies have names that end in -y.”

“Ser… Arch. You are certain you have not come into contact with our sacred texts?”

“Can’t say I’ve heard of it. Got one lyin’ around anywhere I could have a gander at? Might jog the noggin a bit.”

Even though it was the gold plated biddy I had asked, it was the four sods next to me that started moving. A man and a woman on either side, and all four of them pulled some big fuck off book out of god-knows-where.

The one directly on me right, the short prick in the twatty reading glasses, turned his copy towards me so I could get a good look at it. Big fucker, it was. Thick, wide and tall. Black leather cover, weird mark on the front, letters that looked they were written by a toddler having a strop… whole bloody thing reeked of ‘cringey teenage rebellious phase.’

Still, though…

“Ohhh, this thing? Yeah, I’ve seen it before. Practically dropped out of the sky in front of me on me way to work. Damn near gave me a bloody heart attack.” I was a bit pissed off remembering that day, honestly. Bloody thing almost made me fall off me bike.

“So you do have it!” said that Lotty bird, sounding mighty relieved all of a sudden. “Tell me, where is your copy? It is imperative that it remain on your person at all times. It’s information is too valuable to squander.”

“Hmm? The hell would I know?”

“...excuse me?”

“It fell out of the bloody sky and almost did me a mischief. What sort of numpty would just pick that up and walk home with it?” I said, completely reasonably.

The quill in the bint’s hand snapped in half, and she stared daggers at me like I had just mis-sold her PPI. The rest of the procession, both the gold-plated twats and the normal-looking twats, looked at me with their mouths hanging open in shock. Gonna catch flies at that rate, you spoons.

“You… you left the Drakonomicon behind? You were presented with the great and sacred text that contains the necessary information to save our home from destruction… and you walked away…”

“Technically I pedalled.”

“You imbecile!” yelled Lotty. Bloody rude, if you ask me.

“Oi, if anything you lot owes me an apology. Coulda bloody killed me, dropping a ruddy great book on me like that while I was on me bike. I’ll take you to the bloody small claims if you keep on.”

“Dear lord… this one may be a lost cause…” the biddy seemed completely checked out at that point. Like she doesn’t realise this is her bloody fault.

“Ser… Arch, was it?” said the bespectacled twat (whose name was Percy, right? I think? Dunno, seems like a bellend). “When the nomicon fell before you, did you not hear Lady Lotty’s voice calling out to you from it? A message should have been magically embedded.”

“Ohhhh, that’s why the bint’s voice is a bit familiar. I just thought I was going loopy. Me mum always told me that if I started hearing voices in me head I should just ignore them. ‘Nothing good comes from listening to delusions,’ she said. Then again she is locked up in the grippy sock room so what does that old mare know.”

“I… believe that you mean to say you wrote off the message as a trick of your own mind?”

“Right on the money, Perce. Good lad.”

“Right…” Percy, along with the other five throne-wankers that weren’t actively trying to kill me with just their eyes, looked proper worried about something. Dunno what, though. We’ve got four copies of the bloody thing just in this room.

“I know what you are thinking, Ser Arch,” said the beardy bloke, “but unfortunately, each of the five copies of the true Drakonomicon are unique to their respective hero. Each has the ability to tell the events of the future, but only the future of the one from whom they were intended. In other words, the books carried by your compatriots will have little use to you.”

Ah, bollocks. Of all the contrived bloody setups. Still, at least this gave me an excuse.

“Guess that’s that, then. I ain’t gonna be of any bloody use at all, is I? May as well save us both a headache and send me back to Earth, yeah? Big premier league match tonight, don’t wanna be late for it. Besides, I’m sure these four… heroes can solve whatever calamity it is you wants to prevent. No use for me really, is there?”

“Would that I could, you idiot…” grumbled Lotty. Was almost glad to see that fake niceness disappear properly. Made her seem like a bit of a tool before. “All copies of the nomicon may have differences, but at least one thing has been consistent across each and every single one. The scourge plaguing our nation also acts as a bottleneck, forcing the portal system to work only one way. In other words, the summoned heroes cannot return to Earth until the Dragon is slain. You are stuck here until your job is done. Which, given your prior negligence and current stupidity, is now seeming less and less likely by the moment.”

I take it back. Give me the fake niceness again. This version of her is a massive twat.

Wait… did she just say I’m stuck here?

Ah. Bollocks.