What it Truly Means to be Alone - Part One

“It’s been hell.”

Looking down over the railing, he watched the people squirm around like rats. He felt bad for them, and yet at the same time, he envied them. There’s a certain freedom of being unaware of your confinement. That was one of the things he realized over the years.

The girls wore yellow while the boys wore purple. Looking down, he pulled at his lavender sweater - he never understood the dress code.

In response to his answer, she fell silent, wearing a pained expression through teeth.

He wanted to smile. To laugh it all off. But hanging his head over the railing in defeat, he knew it was futile.

His blue hair fell over his eyes, unkempt. Every part of him looked as though he had given up. For the first time in his life, his face showed the growths of stubble, of which he had also given up concealing.

In all the time he spent fruitlessly in the lab, over the months, he had stopped looking in the mirror.

Stuck in that confinement, he didn’t want to be reminded that he was there. He didn’t want to be reminded that the only one viewing him anymore was himself. If he was truly the only one who perceived himself , then did he even really exist?

Cobalt knew the answer to that.

He kept his head hung over the railing. He kept his hair concealing his face.

But now, having the first conversation he’s had in days, weeks, months? He couldn’t remember. But finally being perceived by someone other than himself, he wondered how she perceived him.

“Sorry you had to see me like that…”

She waved her hands out in front of her timidly.

“N-no! Don’t be! I’m just sorry about-” she paused. “About all that’s… That’s happened…”

Keeping his eyes on the ground a few meters below the railing, he asked, “About Bismuth? The time I fell on the ground? Or that I’ve been stuck working on the rift all summer?”

The three topics Cobalt knew she would want to ask him about.

There were layers of ice between them. Not the hostile kind nor necessarily the unwelcoming kind, but a sort of ice that Cobalt knew couldn’t be broken.

Unfortunate…

“A-about all of-! It…”

Her words fell flat, however.

This really was my fault, after all…

Galli was always timid, but over the last couple years, her anxiety has gotten significantly worse.

The three of them were the axis that survived the hell known as Istheria, but after Galli had branched off and tried to make friends with the girls, a bridge stretching between Cobalt and Bismuth to Galli started to fall apart.

What was left behind was a gap between the two that Cobalt didn’t believe was possible to cross again.

But still… If this’s my last shot…

Hanging his head in defeat, he knew trying to talk to Galli was his last resort.

But even so…

What is it exactly that I want out of this…?

“I hope this doesn’t sound offensive or blunt or anything but… I’d feel a lot worse for her, if I were you.”

“B-but she’s not around to feel it anymore-! You are! Y-you’re living through what she couldn’t… At least she’s not feeling pain-?”

“-!”

That reaction took Cobalt off guard.

Taking his eyes off the squirming Istherian rats below, he looked at her with his sullied, sunken eyes.

This is the first time he had seen her—really seen her, gotten a good look at her—in he didn’t know how long.

Her short black-iron colored hair shown with luster, and her impassioned eyes shook past her shyness and anxiety in an attempt to show Cobalt that she truly did mean the words she said. She wore a high-waisted plaid skirt with a long sleeve lavender shirt tucked under. Her stylish attempt to fit in with the girls looked good on her, but it was easy to see how things went wrong.

He wished he could have done something. To have been there when things got rough.

Well - in truth, he was.

It’s mostly because of his rash defenses of her at first that brought him to the center of Nick and Hydeira’s radar. It had gotten so bad that Galli had begged him to stop standing up for her… And the rest is history…

“Sh-she isn’t, right-? I-I don’t know how the brainwashing stuff works…”

A quiet anxious sound barely escaped from her, contemplating just what Bismuth had to endure.

“I don’t know anymore…” was his response.

Did he say what he believed? Or what Galli wanted to hear?

“But your sympathy’s wasted on me…”

“W-why-? How could y-you say that-?!”

The more passionate she got, the more her stutter came out.

He was hoping this conversation would make him feel better, but…

The more things went on, the more he wanted to lie.

Lie his way into her smile.

And lie his way back into the lab.

Or in other words… His grave.

“A month or two ago, I don’t remember when… When you found me like that… It was the flu…” He paused before collecting himself. “They treated me afterwards, so… Thanks for finding me when you did.”

Did he not trust her?

A slight shy smile came across her shaky lips.

Probably not - but that didn’t matter.

If his existence was dependent on how people perceived him… He’d rather exist this way.

“If I ever disappear… Don’t worry about me… Okay?”

A short silence fell between them after that line.

There was no context behind his words. But even if out of the blue, he had wanted to say them to her.

Even if she didn’t understand them, he had wanted to say them to her.

“D-Disappear,,,? What does that…?” She paused, trying to find the meaning of his words. “O-oh! Hhhave you had any luck? W-with the rift?”

She locked on to what she thought he meant by them.

But that wasn’t a question he could lie his way out of.

“Not yet… Sorry.”

She looked down.

“I honestly don’t think it’s possible. That’s…” Leaning on his left side, he looked out over the railing, before continuing. “My honest thoughts.”

They once said the rift would be closed for a thousand years…

“I think the Magi were right,” he added solemnly, before letting out a short chuckle, which fell dead flat between the two of them.

That chuckle began a period of silence, where neither timid old friends knew what to say to each other.

“If I disappear”...

The words hung over the two of them.

Is this…

He choked out the thought.

Is this really the end to everything?

If it was, he wanted to at least confess one thing.

It’s been burning him from the inside, eating every single part of him alive.

He didn’t know how to feel, what to say, and this puncturing sensation made it hard to breathe.

After all this time, the real punishment he had to face…

Was knowing the truth.

Because even now… He was still the only one who knew…

“Do you know why Mother did what she did… To Bismuth?”

“I- uhm… I-It was because she wanted to, r-run away… Right-?”

She knew…?!?!

“I-I had figured it out a w-while ago… I guessed that, since I remember the th-three of us used to talk about it… I-It wouldn’t, be the first time…”

He turned.

His eyes, which had lay apathetic in their sockets, bursted to life at her words.

“Th-this whole time-?”

He didn’t know what to think.

This whole time, he had bottled it down to keep the truth to himself. He watched people carry on as if nothing happened. He felt his life pulled out from under him like a rug. He watched the same people, the same eyes. They saw, they knew, and they said nothing. No one. Nothing. No one. Nothing. Day after day. Day after day. No one. Nothing.

He choked on his own thoughts. He felt the heat rise from his back and arms. He felt the room get hotter, and hotter, and hotter, and hotter, and—

“Don’t… Don’t blame yourself.”

“-!!”

No.

“What are y-?!

“D-don’t blame yourself… Cobalt.”

She knew how somber the mood was.

She could tell how much it ate away at him.

She could see the pain in his eyes.

Everyone could… This whole time.

Cobalt had ignored all of it, but still.

The look of despair had hung over him like a blanket.

Slowly suffocating him against the ice of hopelessness.

And yet…

She said those words.

“What do you mean-?! How could I not blame myself?!”

His voice was rising, but he couldn’t stop it.

“I-it wasn’t your fault-!” Defensively, she kept on the same track, refusing to let Cobalt’s hopelessness deter her from what she believed.

“Sh-she invited me to the Surface!!!”

“I know.”

“She confessed what she was afraid of!!!”

“I know.”

“I knew how much this place ate away at us! How much it killed us! How much it killed her!!!”

“I know.”

The smile she wore in response to his shouts…

People were starting to stare.

Frantically, he wove his feelings around the chilly air.

And fearlessly, the timid, anxious girl accepted them.

“I-I-I…” His voice was shaking uncontrollably. This was the type of catharsis… that he didn’t want to experience.

But he couldn’t stop.

The feelings welled up in his shaking hands, his shaking feet, his shaking eyes.

“I rejected her!!!”

“I know.”

He inhaled sharply. He was completely taken aback. He felt his fingers, hands, arms, no—whole body shaking now.

“I rejected her!!! I caused all of this myself!!! Our friend!!! H-how can you stand here, a-a-and…!!!”

“It’s not your fault, Cobalt.”

It’s…

It’s not my fault…?!

How…

How can you believe that?!?!

Liar.

She wanted to say more, but he walked away.

All the rats watched, but he walked away.

The stings of his past lashed at him like a whip, but he walked away.

The sins that would never lift off his shoulders spat their venom, but he walked away.

She turned, and held her breath.

She shouted something.

But what it was, he had no idea.

After his last resort to find some semblance of hope…

He walked away.