It's just a big corgi, mate

After a decent long kip, Court and I were back on the road bright and early the next morning. You could tell we weren’t in ol’ Blighty, because the sky was practically clear, and the warm sun beamed down on our skin, direct enough to turn the average Englishman to ash.

Thankfully, I ain’t the average Englishman. I holidayed in Tenerife in the middle of summer. Twice, even. And didn’t come back with so much as a sunburn. Proper built different, I am.

Didn’t mind the long walk, either. I’m all health conscious and shite, always walk to the pub instead of getting a lift. Always drink me diet coke instead of the sugary ones too. Needs me lungs in good shape if I’m gonna cheer on England at the Euros, don’t I?

Court, however, wasn’t having such a grand old time. As it turns out, being kept sedentary and barely fed anything for god knows how long makes exercise pretty bloody difficult. Yesterday alone had sapped whatever strength she had left, and now she was running on Analybloody fumes.

“You alright there, love?”

“No… but I’ll survive…”

Poor lass looked as weary and worn as the ship that Theseus bloke used, before they tore it to bits. Was surprised she was still standing. I seriously don’t know what those gold pricks were playing at, expecting these poor sods to survive a journey like this with the treatment they gave them. Was they setting us up for failure, or just that bloody stupid?

Either way, because of those bastards, we could hardly be said to be making good time. She was doing more than was probably healthy for her, and she was still slower than the sods serving at Woolies on a busy day.

Three weeks my feckin’ arse. Be lucky to get there in three months at this rate. Assuming she don’t croak on the way, anyway.

Still, she was just about soldiering on through it. I made a mental note to buy her a ruddy great steak when we got to the next settlement. She’d more than earned it. Speaking of the next settlement…

“How long you reckon it’ll be before we get to that village, lass?”

“I… couldn’t tell you for sure. I don’t really remember much about the outside world. But I doubt it’ll take any longer than a couple of days. Assuming nothing delays us, I mean.”

“Delays? Like what? These roads get bad rush hour traffic or summat? Or are the bobbies likely to come tell us off for speeding at the breakneck pace of half a mile an hour?”

“I can’t say I have any idea what you’re saying, but delays on the roads her mostly consists of highway robbery and attacks from wildlife.”

“...you mean like that there?”

“Yes. Precisely like that.”

Just as we was talking about it, we happened across some poor bloke with his arm stuck in the jaws of a nasty looking mutt, bit bigger than the wolves of our world, and with pure black fur. Looked like he was tryna wrestle himself free. Fat lot of good that’ll do you, mate, that jaw probably has more muscle than your entire body.

“You said you wanted an opportunity to learn some magic, right? Well, there’s your chance.”

“‘Bout bloody time, if you ask me. What does I gots to do, love?”

“Simply point your wand at the vulf and say ‘wind cutter.’ Just make sure to-”

“Wind cutter!”

“-aim your shot so you don’t hit the guy too. Y’know, considering I’m supposed to be your guide, you don’t listen all that much.”

“I likes to think meself an active learner. Gotta do to learn.”

“How wise. Come on, let’s check you didn’t take the poor man’s arm off.”

By the way the chap was wailing, you’d be forgiven for thinking I had taken his arm off. But on closer inspection, I’d only taken off the top of a couple fingers. Bloody pansy, it’s like he wanted to be eaten alive by a ruddy great mutt.

“These clothes…” muttered Court as we got closer.

“Yep. He’s one of us alright. I remember seein’ ‘im in the summonin’ ‘all.”

There was no doubt about it. The chap rolling around on the ground like a bloody toddler was, in fact, one of us ‘five legendary heroes.’ Come on, mate, I thought I was supposed to be the disappointment. Getting chomped down by one oversized mongrel? Utter piss take.

“Are… you just gonna stand there?”

“Fuck else am I gonna do, give the cunt a shoulder to cry on?”

“Or you could heal the wound you just inflicted.”

“Bollocks, the mongrel did most of the damage, can’t blame me for that.”

“Are you gonna heal him or not?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” I lazily pointed my finger at his arm and said ‘heal,’ and watched as the wounds on his arm and hand started to close up and stop bleeding, his annoying whinnies and whines slowly dying down to just deep breaths. “Come on, I’ve been here all of a feckin’ day, there’s no way on God’s Green Earth I should be able to use magic like that already.”

“Did you forget which genre this is?”

“Fair point. And I ain’t gonna complain,” I said, earning a slight eye roll from Court. Seeing that the bloke on the ground had seemingly stopped whimpering like a beat dog, I strolled on over to see what his deal was. “Oi, chap. You’s from the summonin’ yesterday, yeah? Got a name or summat?”

The wimpy bloke, still holding his already-fixed arm as if staring at it was gonna grow his bloody fingers back, looked up at me from the ground. Then he dusted himself of, jumped to his feet and tried to stand level with me. Bit late to save face now, mate. Just watched you get gnawed on by an oversized corgi. No coming back from that one.

“I’m Charlie. Thank you for saving me.”

“No probs at all, mate. And sorry about the fingers, yeah?”

“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure if there was a safer way to do it, you’d have taken it.”

“...right. Obviously.” Bloody hell, mate, you just almost got an impromptu amputation at the jaws of cerberus him-feckin-self, what’s got you so chipper?

“Mr Charlie, might I ask,” said Court from behind me, “You seem to be alone here. What happened to your guide? You… did take a guide, right?”

“After Mr Arch’s display in the dungeon, how could I not do the same? Freed her the second I had the chance!” Seriously, mate, why are you beaming at me like a bloody fanboy? I cut your fingers off not thirty seconds ago. I might have preferred you when you were in agony. “Unfortunately, she and I had an argument a little while ago, and she stormed off into the woods. If she was here, I might have known how to fight that big dog off by myself, heh…” he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, which thankfully meant he was at least aware how much of a pillock he looked.

“Well, least you got a funny story to tell the lass when you gets back to her, dontcha’s?”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right!” he said, and went right back to being all upbeat and shit. Not sure if the chap has a mood disorder, or was just really good at not letting stuff keep him down.

“For the love of- don’t you idiots see the problem here?” said Court, rudely interrupting my internal monologue. “You said she ran off into the forest? These are forest vulfs. A malnourished girl with only analysis magic just wandered straight into the hornet’s nest.”

Aw. Fuck.