You're asking a bloody lot of us, mate

“Alright, chap. Where exactly did your bint run off to?”

“I’m not exactly sure. She just ran somewhere into the woods…” The chap looked mighty worried, though I could hardly blame him. Still, utter numpties to get in a fight while on the road. A bloke who’s new to this world and a lass who can’t fight? Stick together at least, you pissheads.

“It doesn’t matter where she ran off to,” said Court, “because she’s almost definitely been taken by vulfs by now.”

“So chasin’ ‘er down ain’t gonna do a tonne of good?”

“I didn’t say that, though I get why you’d assume as much. In this case, her being so malnourished is actually to her benefit. They wouldn’t eat her right away because they’d barely get anything out of it. Instead they’ll keep her there to lure in rescuers, who are likely to have a lot more meat for them to dig their teeth into.”

“Rescuers like us, you mean?”

“Yup.”

“Bloody hell, nothing can ever go our way, can it?”

“It’s been 24 hour since you freed me, if you’re already sick of misfortune, this is gonna be a very long journey.”

“Wonderful. Can’t wait.”

This was gonna be a sign of things to come, wasn’t it? Less than a day into the journey and one of our ‘comrades’ has literally gone to the dogs. Bloody nightmare.

“Please. Ser Arch. Ms Courteney-”

“Court.”

“For the love of god, Arch, must you insist on interrupting every time?”

“...please, I beg you both to help me. I cannot save her on my own.” The chap clasped his hands together like her was praying and looked up at both of us (proper short lad, he is). I wanted to say no, but I had a feeling this bloke would be dead by the hour if we didn’t help out, and with only four of us I had a feeling this ruddy great lizard would never die.

“Colour me surprised that the chap who almost had his arm munched off not five minutes ago can’t fight on his own. Guess we ain’t got a choice, really,” I sighed, and the chap’s face brightened a tad. “Though that don’t fix the problem that we have no idea where this lass is.”

“That’s no problem at all,” said Court, crouching down next to the road. “This one left tracks. It’d probably be hard for you two, but I can track them pretty easily.”

“You’s just a wellspring a’ plot convenience, ain’tcha?”

“It’s parody, what do you expect?”

“Aye, fair enough. So, reckons you can get us to where they’re keepin’ shortstack’s girlfriend?”

“Assuming it’s the same pack? Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem. What will be a problem is actually rescuing her.”

“We’ll burn that bridge when we gets to it, yeah?”

“The fact that we’re already talking about burning bridges does not inspire confidence.” Court seemed to have moved past sighing and onto a state of permanent exasperated sarcasm. Good lass. You’ll be a proper English girl in no time at this rate. “But at the very least, I should be able to get you there. After that, it’s you two that have to deal with whatever problems we run into. Come on, we’re wasting daylight.”

“Oh! Thank you both immensely! I just don’t know what I’d do without Sherry, I need her back safe and sound.”

“Christ, her name is Sherry? Maybe we should leave her to the dogs, might be a mercy.”

“Shut it, Arch. Charlie, get moving.”

Despite my protest, we did indeed get moving into the woods, with Court guiding the way, and me at the back for protection. Especially since it seemed this chap couldn’t fight worth a damn.

Christ, it’s gonna be a long day.

The forest was proper eerie as we moved through, like when you try to go to sleep in complete silence instead of having Match Of The Day play in the background. Something about it all felt off, like there was something watching us.

Every now and then, I heard a twig snap somewhere nearby. But by the time I swivelled me head towards it, whatever made the sound was already gone.

Couldn’t tell for certain what it was, but I did know it spelled trouble. As with everything in this bloody world.

“Court, you see anything around us?”

“Can’t check. If I lose the trail I might not find it again.”

“Oh, now your magic has limitations?”

“Bite me. Just keep your eyes peeled, both of you.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“Will do!”

Dunno what you’re so jovial about, mate. You’re the reason we’re stuck in this mess.

Still, on we trucked, the forest getting thicker and thicker the further we went. The ambient sounds got louder as we passed more insects and small animals, drowning out those occasional twig snappings and footsteps we heard. But that feeling of being watched never left. Like being a shoplifter in London - eyes bloody everywhere, even when you can’t see ‘em. Though in this case, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a feckload of hidden CCTVs giving me that feeling.

Nah. Summat wanted us dead. I could feel that much.

No points for guessing who.

“Vulfs…” muttered Court under her breath. “More of their tracks pick up here. Stay close. They’re probably gathering nearby.”

“If they’re close, ain’t it best I take point? Since you couldn’t win a fight with a chihuahua even if you caught it by surprise.”

“Do you want to walk directly into a trap?”

“Do you wanna be the one to do i-”

“HELP! HELP M-!”

We was cut off by a woman’s blood curdling scream a bit further in. Something seemed to stop that scream mid-way, like she’d been forcibly shut up the moment she started screaming. Didn’t take a boffin to figure out what had happened.

“Sherry! I must rescue her!” said Charlie, bolting off towards it like a golden bloody retriever.

“No, you idiot, that’s exactly what they- dammit, Arch, we have to follow him!”

“Or we could leave him to learn a valuable lesson.”

“Unless that lesson is ‘how to end up as dog food,’ I don’t think he’s gonna be around to learn much. Now come on!”

“Oh for f- fine! We’ll save the numpty from the consequences of his own bloody actions, I guess.”

Making sure to roll my eyes so heavily she could hear it, I grabbed Court’s hand so we wouldn’t get separated and followed behind Charlie. Luckily, his occasional incredibly stealthy yells of ‘I’m coming! Don’t worry!’ made it easy to follow.

Though we had just passed through the densest bit of forest yet, it now seemed to be thinning down as we ran. Just enough that I occasionally caught the smallest glimpse of black fur through the foliage. Bastards. Knew they was following us.

“Sherry! I am here for you! I am- oh.”

Charlie’s ‘heroic’ voice fell almost immediately to silence as he found his way to a clearing some ways ahead. And as Court and I crossed into the same clearing, I realised why.

“Bloody nora, how feckin’ many…”

“Too many to fight head on… let alone surrounded…”

There was dozens of the buggers. Enough to make the average kennel owner foam at the bloody mouth. And if these fuckers were anything to go by, the one I sent to the past tense back on the road was a midget. Some of the bastards would make a grizzly bear shit himself.

To put it succinctly, we were as fucked as a cat in a dog pound.

“I had hoped it would not come to this,” said the dipshit who caused this shite in the feckin first place. From inside his stupid-looking coat, he pulled a wand about the same size as mine, with a bright blue orb at the very top. Then, holding it above his head like he’d won the bloody Ballon d’Or, he said the stupidest fucking thing he could have said in the middle of a wooded area. “Lightning strike!”