Shared Grief

Mari sat on the swing built into the side of the house, sipping coffee and enjoying the show.

“Get back here, you little shits! Put my tools down! Those aren’t toys!” An enraged Nanny was chasing Sori, Kishel, and two other boys in circles around the house. Out in back, there was a small stable where they kept goats, sheep and chickens, as well as Nanny’s large garden. Nanny was just as serious about plants as she was her textile work and had a carefully Maintained shed full of gardening tools she used. Sori and his friends being...themselves...thought it was a great idea to start the morning off by raiding said shed and using the tools for whatever game of pretend they’d cooked up this time.

While Mari could understand Nanny’s frustration and concer, the whole thing was too amusing  to take seriously! The livid old woman hiking her skirts up and running like she was about to throttle someone getting literal circles run around her by children making taunting faces was priceless.

Azreal let out a loud yawn as he passed through the front door. “Sorry. I slept in, but I’m still exhausted for some reason.” He rubbed his eyes and sat down next to Mari on the swing. The two sat silently in the cool morning air, watching the sun stream into the outdoor kitchen and the light breeze rustle the herb plants hanging down.

Mari felt relieved to have him sitting next to her once again but, ever since he’d returned a week ago, Azreal had seemed...off. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt a distinct sense that a new wound had opened in his soul. He’d been physically injured while on his mission; nothing life threatening but, for someone with his experience, it was a rare and nasty wound. All he would say about it was that half of the six-person mercenary group had died, and the mission was a failure. He’d talked openly about discovering that there was demonic creatures and powers involved in Tempest’s invasion of the kingdom but he refused to divulge specifics about what he himself had experienced. 

Mari didn’t want to pry but she could tell that something traumatic had occurred and reopened the scars he carried in his heart from the past. She was worried about him hurting himself by continuously holding in all his pain, but she didn’t know what she could do to help him. She had the ability to heal, but she couldn’t heal the heart or mind. Azreal hadn’t even let her use her powers to heal his injuries, anyway. He’d promised that they’d been treated by the mages at the palace infirmary and he’d be back to normal soon. While she hated to see the man she loved in pain and discomfort, she knew that forcing the issue wouldn’t help; he’d be fine in the end either way, so she was better off respecting his wishes. ‘What happened to him? Both on that mission and when he was younger? It seems like every time I find out a little scrap of information about him, we get closer for a short time before something makes him shut himself off again.’

“You look exhausted. No one will be mad if you go back to bed.” Azreal shook his head. “If I sleep too much it just makes me even more tired and unable to sleep at night like normal." The two lapsed into silence again.

“Run faster! If she catches us, we’re doomed!” Sori and his friends ran past screaming. Azreal wasn’t fazed by the morning chaos in the slightest. "What is it this time?” He asked. “Jousting practice, I think?” Mari shrugged as she took another drink.

A sweaty Nanny reappeared shaking her fist “Come back with my hoes you little-!”

“Pff!” Mari laughed, causing herself to choke on her coffee. Azreal stared blankly “…sometimes I am ashamed to admit that those two belong to me.” Mari pounded on her chest. “You don’t plan on stopping them, Mari?” She shook her head. “Nah! I’m enjoying the view and, besides, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s just some kids messing around.” Azreal nodded “Yeah, my brother does weird things. Not worth freaking out over it every time.”

With a war cry, Sori charged back around the corner, this time with a pitchfork in his other hand. Mari paused “Now THATS mildly concerning.” “Nah, worst case he takes out his own eye. Be stupid, earn stupid prizes and learn your lesson.” Azreal shrugged. The two lapsed back into silence but, despite the peaceful morning, Mari couldn't help but feel a sense of dread.

“Az... you’re not ok.” Mari said after a few moments, unable to even look directly at his face. She couldn't hold back her feelings even more, even if Azreal wanted her to leave him alone.“You’re hurting. I can tell. Something happened and it wasn’t just fighting demons.” Azreal remained silent. Mari felt an ache in the pit of her stomach. “I can tell, Azreal. I can read on human emotions. Please, don’t lie to me and brush it off again. I know you’ve experienced things I’ll never be able to understand. I don’t want to force you to do anything, and I don’t want to cause you more pain, but...it hurts. It hurts that you don’t trust me enough to be honest with me. It’s not that I need to know every single one of your dark secrets but...” She turned to him, clenching the edge of the swing so hard that splinters peirced her fingers. “I love you. When you tell me you’re fine and refuse to talk, it makes me feel even more scared and useless. I want to be able to help you, but I how can I when I don’t even know what you need or if I’m inadvertently hurting you without knowing because you never tell me anything?”

“Mari...” Azreal looked her with a heavy, sorrowful look in his eyes. Mari had to look away because it was like a stab to her heart seeing that look on his face, but some things needed to be said. "I'm sorry, I know it’s selfish to focus on myself when you’re the one suffering but...do you still not trust me? Do you still think I’d turn on you? That I’m lying about loving you?” That was what really hurt Mari; the idea that he still didn’t trust her and feared her. She vividly remembered the conversation they’d had before he’d left on his mission.

“I was worried that, once the novelty wore off and you saw how rotten I really was...you wouldn’t want anything to do with me and you’d leave. After all the nice things you’ve said to me, hearing you hate me and say cruel things would really be too much to take.”

Azreal feared people getting close to him because he saw himself as so disgusting that he could only ever be hated. Mari knew that one conversation couldn’t fix everything, but she had thought that she had finally gained his trust. Yet, he was holding his pain in again because of his fear of how she’d react. Even knowing that there was no malicious intent behind it; just trauma; didn’t make it hurt any less.

Azreal’s mouth fell open. ‘Is that how she really feels? That I hide things because I don’t trust her? That’s insane!’ But then he recalled their conversation in the old church. ‘Wait...no, it isn’t crazy. I’ve done it dozens of times in the short period we’ve known each other. And it is because I don’t trust her. No matter how much I want to, I still can’t override my superstious, self-preserving instincts. At this point, it’s been programed into me to not show my emotions to protect myself. But...’

“I love you, Azreal, and nothing can ever change that...I’ll always be on your side.”

He remembered the promise that she’d made to him that night; the promise of an unconditional love that wasn’t afraid of his past or intimidated by his intense emotions. He could still recall the warmth of her hands gently embracing his. ‘I don’ t want to tell her about Scath, I really don’t. But she is right, it’s eating away at me.  And she deserves to know. I have no right to keep things from her when she’s worried about me. She can somehow love a man like me, so what right do I have to doubt her? She’s right to be upset. What else is me hiding my truth feelings from her but an admission that I don’t trust her? Why wouldn't it make her think I was lying about how much she means to me?’

He sighed. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s cruel to say nothing when you’re concerned about me. And I did say how much I missed you and enjoyed being with you. That’s just a pretty lie if I’m too scared to tell you things.” He squeezed his hands together tightly. “You promise you won’t hate me?" He asked, seeking the affirmation he knew she'd give. “I’d never do that.” Mari promised.

Azreal closed his eyes, wishing he could avoid the intense feelings that his memories invoked. “You know the man who showed up that one day when we were alone with Sori?” She nodded as he made himself open his eyes and face the world. “His name was Scath. And he was the great nephew of one of the men who lead the mercenary group I grew up in. Cryph, the second in command. Back then, anyway. Nowadays, Cryph acts as a researcher and strategist for the group I work with. A group created by the king that works for the good of the kingdom. I never got really specific about it with you but...the group was an underworld group that eventually expanded across continents. We were merchants of violence. For the right price, we’d kill anyone, no matter if they deserved it and damn the collateral damage or consequences that the assassination triggered. We...would wipe entire towns off the map, as if they were never there.” He forced himself to look Mari in the eyes. “I feel sick just talking about it, but you need to know how bad it really was. The group seemed more like it was made up of demons than human beings. Eventually, multiple kingdoms collaborated together to wipe them out. We were so dangerous that hundreds of men had to be killed. I... I got lucky though.”

“Got lucky how? The king wanted you to work for him?” Mari prompted him to continue. “Yeah” Azreal confirmed. “I was only 16 then and... I barely had the will to live. I wanted to die by that point and I outright begged them to execute me like they did to many of the others who were put on trial. The majority were executed or imprisoned for life. A few were banished. But I...the king showed mercy to me. He gave me a complete pardon and offered me a job. I think it was because I was still young, that he didn’t think I was as guilty as the others."

Having had some of her long time suspicious confirmed, Mari felt brave enough to ask another question that had been burning in her mind. “Az...how old were you when you joined the mercenary group?”

Azreal didn’t want to tell her; he didn’t deserve her pity; but she had long since proven that she was worthy of knowing more about who he really was. He took a deep breath. “I was three.”All the air left Mari’s lungs and her mouth fell open. She tried moving her mouth, but only air came out. “T-three?!?” ‘Oh God, that explains so much! No wonder the poor man is so traumatized! I’d thought he’d been pushed into it young, but as a toddler?’ 

"Who made you do it? Who hurt you?” Her eyes flashed with anger, surprising Azreal. He hadn’t planned to go into further detail, but her response gave him enough courage to tell a little more.

“I didn’t have a choice. They bought me as a kid. No, I wasn’t a slave.” He sensed and responded to her unspoken reaction. “But I was from an island that’s completely abandoned now. It was a mining society that destroyed its environment and, eventually, all life on the land. Everything and everyone there was impoverished and sick when I was a child. My memories before...that day... are hazy because I was so young, but I was from a poor family. My parents died. My oldest siblings thought I was weak and a mouth not worth feeding, so they sold me to get money to feed themselves. They sold me to Cryph and his friend who’d had the idea to start the mercenary band. They just wanted someone who was easy to manipulate that they could use as a tool.” He shrugged. “They never saw me as a person, let alone a true member of the group. It was killed and survive, or get killed myself. No one was exactly looking out for me.” He clenched the fabric of his pants tightly.

“But...I don’t want to tell you anymore specifics right now, okay? Please? Please, I don’t want to remember...” Mari reached over and squeezed his hand. “I won’t make you tell me anything you’re not ready to share. Thank you for trusting me. You don’t have to tell me anything else. I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore.” Azreal shook his head and clasped her hand tightly, as if he would be swallowed up by an abyss without someone to hold on to.

“No, I want to push myself a little, and telling you what happened during the last mission was the only reason I told you about how I became a mercenary. You need to know that so you can understand why I’m struggling right now. My childhood with the group and my past with the few surviving members who were recruited by the king was awful. I have no good memories associated with any of them, but Cryph is the only one left alive right now and he’s the one I have some of the worst memories of. And he’s the great uncle of Scath and the reason for Scath being a part of the King’s group. Or, having been part of it, anyway.”

“Three men died during the mission.” Mari recalled. “You don’t mean-” 

“Yeah, Scath didn’t make it. He died. Right in front of me.” Azreal looked straight ahead. Respecting his discomfort, Mari looked down and gave his hand a squeeze. “Azreal, I’m so sorry.” The two sat in silence as Azreal gathered the last of his emotional strength to continue.

“We were ambushed by some demonic creatures, and I tried to fight them off but somehow I didn’t realize one of them snuck up on him.” Azreal ground his teeth. “It was all my fault! It...it ripped a whole clean through his chest!” Mari’s eyes widened in horror. “I-I tried to save him! I tried to get him to safety, but we were trapped in the demons range of influence and I didn’t know how to get out and-and he’d lost too much blood, there was so much blood...!” Azreal put his head between his knees, trying to stop the nausea that was growing with his panic.

“I-I... couldn’t do anything! I was utterly useless. I couldn’t help him, all I could do was be there with him when he passed.” A single tear rolled down his cheek and he looked desperately at Mari. “I despised the guy, you know. He constantly mocked and bullied me. He was like his uncle. But he didn’t deserve to die like that. And I couldn’t do anything about it.”

Wordlessly, Mari threw her arms around him and Azreal instantly melted into her embrace, resting his head on hers. As much as he wanted to throw up, there was a sort of relief in having gotten out at least some of what was eating away at him. ‘I did it...I was able to do it...I told her...about my past...and Scath...’ Azreal weakly thought with a twinge of pride.

 Talking about his past had been even more exhausting than combat, but he’d done it. And, true to her word, Mari hadn’t judged him. She’d accepted everything he’d told her and instinctively known what support he needed. 

In that moment, it felt as though she was truly carrying his grief with him, if only for a little while.