Now I Want to Die of Shame

"Hey, just because you're handsome and my type doesn't mean you can do anything to me!"

Why did I even think about it and say it out loud? What was this world doing to me? I'd had crushes, plenty of them, but never so intense that I'd do such stupid things. I hoped Renet hadn't heard, or at least somehow hadn't grasped what was going on. He covered my mouth with his hand and ordered me to be quiet. I hadn't even realized I'd grabbed his arm; I could actually feel his muscles tense. And up close, he looked even more attractive, a perfect opportunity to seize, since if he found out the truth, he'd probably hate me.

I'd mentally sold myself a few slaps. I needed him and couldn't scare him away just because I was infatuated, and this world somehow softened my social inhibitions. Maybe that was just his nature?

How much would I give for a phone with a compass, map, and internet access that would answer all my questions and doubts? Then I'd somehow manage on my own. I'm not saying this with complete certainty, but with the help of technology, my chances of survival would significantly increase, and now I wouldn't have moral dilemmas and could ghost him out of shame. Now, too, I could just run away at the first opportunity, but I felt too safe with him to suddenly give that up and worry about every second of the journey when I could have some useful company.

Renet helped me up and pointed in the direction where he'd clearly spotted the threat. At first, I thought he exaggerated because it looked like an overgrown cat with tassels on its ears.

"Whatever it is, it doesn't look that big and dangerous," I whispered, not taking my eyes off the animal, which, even if it knew of our presence, had chosen to ignore us.

"You have no idea how wrong you are." Renet's gaze was quite lenient; he seemed to be reassured in his decision to go with me and keep me alive.

"That much?"

"Animals aren't stupid; much has been taken from them, and they've learned to fight in their own way. They know perfectly well where your weak points are." He didn't take his eyes off the large cat, but he was speaking seriously. This world suddenly seemed terrifying.

"Yours?"

"Ours," Renet corrected himself and smiled apologetically. "I don't spend much time with people; sometimes I forget I'm part of a community."

"Aha."

This brief exchange didn't seem suspicious at all, but I decided to listen more closely to what he was saying. It wasn't that I suddenly suspected him of anything, but I had to put aside all the positive associations his appearance and enigmatic personality had left me and gamble on the side of caution. Gaining information and nuances about this world would also be useful; after all, sooner or later I had to fend for myself. After a few minutes, Renet decided the threat had passed and we could move on. We kept our distance for a while, but I decided to broach the subject again.

"Living near the wall, aren't you afraid of the Dragonids?"

"Who?" he asked, confused enough to stop and turn to me.

"Dragon-people?" He still didn't understand.

"Those on the other side of the wall."

"No. I just try to stay out of their way. Besides, I doubt they'd do anything to me without a specific reason. Until I cross over to the other side," he explained, though he probably didn't believe it himself, but maybe the strategy actually worked well enough for him to assume so with considerable certainty.

"I had a completely different impression," I muttered, but I could feel his gaze on me, as if he wanted to hear more but didn't dare ask.

"Why do you call them that?"

"I made it up, but I guess no one here uses anything like that." I realized how easily I could have revealed my origins right from the start. "What's the right term?"

"It depends on which way you look at it." Renet moved on, so I obediently followed him, curious about what he could tell me. I encouraged him to continue. "People simply call them Neighbors; I guess they didn't want to change that after the wall was built. They call them people, humans, but they call themselves Children of Heaven and Earth, Fosterlings of..." He paused for a moment. "I guess it's best to describe it as a tribe."

"You know a lot about them," I said simply. Anyway, compared to my own knowledge, I didn't know how that related to human standards and education in this world.

Renet, however, looked terrified, as if he thought he shouldn't say that, or at least not in that way. He pursed his lips and sped up, and I realized the interrogation was over. I was a bit confused; I was lacking information on both sides. The Dragonids made no secret of their attitude toward humans, but my companion didn't speak of them in such a contemptuous manner, perhaps not with respect, but with a certain neutrality.

I wondered if it had always been this way, because since people called them Neighbors, not a term that would immediately evoke monsters, then something doesn't seem right. Perhaps an event in the history of this world had occurred that completely changed it? I became determined to find out, since I was condemned to live here. I still hadn't come to terms with it; I was missing so many things, but I had no say in the matter. Still, I was enjoying my freedom and hoping Renet hadn't heard my comment when he threw me to the ground.

I shared an apple with him, as we'd already walked quite a distance. I was even surprised that after years of no particular physical activity and constant sitting at a desk, I hadn't yet run out of energy. For a while already, I wondered when we'd encounter any human presence; for now, we were still in the forest, though we were using a barely visible path. I heard we were approaching water, and a moment later, the view took my breath away. I couldn't remember the last time, if ever, I'd seen such a small but rushing stream in its natural state. The water was crystal clear, and I immediately rushed to splash some refreshment on my face and refill my canteen. I hadn't expected stopping for a moment to admire nature to be so soothing. I looked up, the sunlight filtering through the leaves that stubbornly protected the stream from them, like their greatest secret.

My gaze drifted to Renet, who was confidently already making his way across the river, over a few jutting stones. He held out his hand to help me, and how tempted I was to take it, but I remembered my nefarious intentions. I reluctantly declined, assuring him I could manage, with a smile, of course. My companion looked disappointed, but he announced that we should soon reach the village where a friendly trader lived. I had to try my best to hide the grimaces of pain as I put weight on my injured ankle, but I was a brave, independent man!