This ain't a fairytale romance, numpties

Cor, fuck me dead cunt. Ain’t woke up with an ‘eadache like this since that brawl at St Mary’s. Fuck sort of bender did I go on last night?

“Aw, fuckin’ ‘ell mate…” I said, putting me hand to me throbbing forehead. Felt like summat inside me head was tryna ram it’s way out.

“Arch? You’re awake? Thank god…” said a voice next to me. Couldn’t quite place it at first, but knew I recognised it. For some reason I associated that voice with a pain in the neck…

“Mum?”

“What? No, it’s me, Courten- it’s me, Court. You fell unconscious from the smoke, remember?”

Ay? Smoke? What’s she on about…

“Ah. Right. Piss.”

Now I remember. I ain’t back in the comfort of me bed after a right proper bender with the lads. I’m stuck in some backwater shithole in some other world where the ruling class couldn’t tell their arse from their elbow even if both were labelled.

Bloody fuckin’ wonderful.

“I really thought we had lost you for a moment there.”

“As if I’d be able to escape this bloody place so easily,” I said, sitting meself up and opening me eyes. Fuck me dead, why is the sun so bloody bright? Hide behind a cloud or summat, you prick.

Court was sat right next to me, looking like a right worry wart. As if some oversized campfire could have actually killed me. Still, can’t say the concern was unpleasant.

Looking around me, I could tell I’d been out for a while. The sun was low in the sky, and we were back out by the road, not in the now-crispy forest we were in when I passed out. Which meant someone must have carried me here. And considering the frail lass next to me would struggle to carry anything more than the clothes on her back, it was pretty obvious who it was.

“Where’d that pyromaniac dipstick go?”

“Oh, Charlie? He and Sherry went off to have some private talk in the woods or whatever.”

“The two idiots who just almost died alone in the woods… have gone off to be alone… in the woods…”

“The idiot almost killed all four of us, bad judgement calls are in character.”

“Fair enough. Hopefully that scrawny lass has a decent ‘ead on her shoulders.”

“She ran off alone into a woods filled with predators.”

“…they’re both gonna bite it, aren’t they?”

“I give them a week.”

“That long?”

“No, I was being generous. Three days at best.”

“That’s the spirit.” I tried to get straight to me feet, but me head felt half ready to split open, so I got up to me knees instead for a second. “Gotta say, though, glad they’re not here. With a splittin’ bloody migraine like this, I don’t reckon I could handle that numpty’s energ-”

“Mister Arch! You’re awake!”

“God fucking hates me, doesn’t he?”

Christ, how is he so loud? Should have just breathed in the bloody fumes and taken a more permanent kip.

“I’m glad you’re okay! You really saved our skin!” he said, running over and getting way too bloody close, as if the concept of a ‘headache’ eluded him.

“From you.”

“Ehehe… I might have… jumped the gun a little there…” he put his hand to the back of his neck sheepishly, as if he finally realised burning down the feckin forest was a bad idea. “But all’s well that ends well, right? We all got out alive, and Sherry wasn’t too badly hurt!”

He pointed behind himself, and I opened me eyes just wide enough to see the scrawny lass from before. She looked even more malnourished than Court, there was a nasty chunk taken out of her dirty blonde hair, and her right arm was wrapped in a makeshift bandage, but she at least didn’t look on the verge of collapse, which I suppose made the rescue mission a success. No thanks to the efforts of this special case.

“S’pose what’s done is done. Everyone’s more or less in one piece, which is better than ‘spected would happen,” I said, slowly getting to me feet. Me head was still banging, but I couldn’t go on grumbling about it forever, could I?

“By the way,” said Court, crossing her arms, “what were you two arguing about that got you so worked up you split up on the road? Considering your squabbling almost got me and Arch killed, I think we deserve to know at least that much.”

The pair of idiots looked to each other for a second, then seemed to come to an agreement with a nod. Then they walked towards each other, meeting the middle of the space between them, and turned back to look at us, both with nauseating grins on their mugs.

“Well, we wanted to announce it at a nicer occasion, but you did save our lives, so it’s only right that you guys know first,” said the chap, bubbling with an annoying amount of excitement. Then they looked at each other for a second, then looked back and spoke in unison.

““We’re getting married!””

“...fucking what, sorry?”

“While we were on the road, we were trying to decide whether to have the wedding before or after defeating the dragon,” said the bloke, “and we had a bit of a disagreement. I wanted to do it before, so we could go into battle with our bond at it’s strongest, but Sherry was worried I wouldn’t take my duty seriously if I was busy with the wedding.”

“But after what happened today, I now realise we could be taken from each other at any moment,” said the seemingly equally nutty lass next to him, “so now we’re planning to get married as soon as Charlie passes the Trial of Thunder. We’d love it if you guys could come!”

Are these two prats being serious?

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you two meet yesterday, same as Arch and I?” asked Court, raising an eyebrow.

“It might seem a little quick, but the Drakonomicon says the two of us are destined to fall in love and get married. And the moment I saw her, I just knew it was the truth.”

“You mean when she was still a mindless slave on the verge of death? Proper gent, you are.”

“Love is blind, is it not, Ser Arch?”

“So is faith, innit. Are you two really gettin’ hitched ‘cause an oversized bloody diary told you to? Seems like you’se jumpin’ the gun a tad, dunnit?”

“When you know it’s love, you just know,” said the utter numpty. “I had assumed you two would be able to relate. Are you not also destined for matrimony?”

““Not a chance.””

Christ, these nutters actually have me and Court agreeing with each other. Right pair of bloody loons.

“A shame, a double wedding would have been such a nice event,” said Sherry, her arm wrapped around her equally irritating fiance. “But I suppose we should get back to travelling. The sooner we finish that trial, the sooner we can say our vows!”

“Yes, we really ought to be off. Thank you for all of your help, Ser Arch, Ms Court, and we hope to see you at the wedding!”

They waved their goodbyes, and off they fucked in the setting sun, arm in arm like a pair of bloody teenagers experiencing first love. Bloody sickly it was. Not to mention…

“Wait, if you’re going to the Trial of Thunder, aren’t you supposed to be going south?” called Court, and the pair stopped on the spot. “Actually, you should have gone south from the capital. Have you… been going the wrong way for over a day?”

Ha! Numpties. Imagine ending a chapter walking the wrong way, you bellends.