I Got Teleported To A Magical World

Paul

“Wonderland, Wonderland, the happiest place on Earth!”

The stupid theme song plays through the park’s speakers, tormenting me with its happy pep and cheerful rhyme. I walk over to the blue trashcan and throw the ice cream cone away. Seconds before, I was scooping it off the ground because a stupid squirrel ran in front of me and I got spooked. Minutes before that, I was getting off the Tommy Thrill Coaster, soaked in my own vomit. And just a couple of hours ago, I was standing at the front of the theme park, alone, because all my classmates took off as no one wanted to spend their sophomore fieldtrip babysitting the video game club captain.

What a fun school trip this has been.

I tell myself it’s alright though, because this always happens. I’m the last to be picked in gym class, the last to be selected as a science experiment partner, the last on the long bus ride home. I should be used to being last and alone by now…

But it still hurts.

I clench my fists, digging my nails into my palms to keep myself from crying.

“Hey, just come here you stupid furry!”

Wait, I recognize that voice…

I turn and there she is – Cherry Rose, the varsity cheerleading captain and most popular girl in our school. Every boy in our grade has a crush on her. Even some girls too. But how could we all not? With her light blonde hair that’s always perfectly curled, soft green eyes that sparkle like peridot stones, and rosy cheeks that glow in any light – she’s the most beautiful Southern doll in the entire state of Louisiana. I’ve known her since kindergarten, when I first fell in love. I know everything about her – her middle name is Ann, she has a little rat terrier named Peppercorn Chili Dog, she’s won every county beauty pageant since middle school – wait, am I creepy?

Paul Johnson: Grand Winner for having the Longest Crush on Cherry Rose.

I’m so mesmerized by my Southern Belle, it takes me way too long to realize she’s made eye contact with me.

Oh no.

She caught me staring.

I turn and am about to slink away in all my pitiful shame when she calls out again.

“Hey, you! You’re in my class, right?”

I turn.

Does Cherry Rose… know I’m in her class! This is a dream come true!

“Uh, yeah, I am,” I say, hurrying over to her. She’s on the other side of the sidewalk, behind a park bench near a great mangrove tree on the edge of a lake. Actually, now that I think about it, she shouldn’t be so close to the water, even in Wonderland I bet there’s alligators…

“That’s right, you’re the anime nerd from math class,” Cherry Rose says.

I want to hit my head on the mangrove tree.

THAT’S what she knows me as?

“What’s your name? Parker? Peter?”

“Paul,” I force my lips to say. Suddenly, being this close to Cherry Rose, it’s impossible to speak. Her precious stone eyes sparkle even brighter up this close!

“Paul, okay, sorry I totes didn’t know that, he he,” Cherry Rose giggles. “Anyways…”

Cherry Rose points to the mangrove tree.

“Can you lift me up into that tree?”

My brain short circuits.

What.

“Look, I know we like, just met and all,” Cherry Rose continues. “But listen, you have to promise you won’t say anything to anyone about this. So, there was like, this totes cute squirrel, and I thought it was like, making a cute face at the pretty stone on my ring, so I like, showed it my ring to get a cute Tik Tok, and it like took my ring and ran up the tree.”

I sigh inside.

She… let a squirrel… rob her…

“And then Jessica and Mary Beth ran off to find a park worker or something and left me all alone out here,” Cherry Rose continues, “and that squirrel is literally right there, so like, can you do me a favor Peter Parker and lift me up so I can climb into that tree?”

My heart races. I have dreamed for thirteen years for this moment – the moment to finally prove my manliness to Cherry Rose. Out of all the capable strangers around us, she has selected the dude from her math class – the guy in a vomit-stained shirt and ice cream-covered shorts – to be her hero.

I won’t disappoint her.

“Yes!” I shout far too enthusiastically. “I will do anything you ask Cherry Rose!”

And… I made it awkward…

“Great,” she says slowly. “Thanks for the help, Math Guy.”

We step closer to the lowest hanging branch on the mangrove tree, which happens to be at the edge of the water. I’m suddenly really nervous about the alligators, but I tell myself to suck it up – this is my one and only chance to –

… touch Cherry Rose…

My body is suddenly soaked in sweat.

t…o…u…c…h…

She stands next to me, arms by her side like she’s about to do a cheer pose.

“Ready?” she says in the peppiest, most Cherry Rose voice she could possibly use.

“Uh huh,” I say, wiping the ocean from my forehead.

“Okay,” Cherry Rose says. “I’m going to step into your hands, then you’re going to lift me up to that branch. Easy peasy, lemonade squeezy!”

“Uh huh,” I say, bending down so she can place her perfectly pink tennis shoes in my grimy paws. She steps in, and I gently begin to lift her up. She stretches her hand out towards the branch. Her sweet perfume – is that a peony scent? – fills my nose, and her legs are so shiny – how do girls get them that smooth? We go up higher. Almost there… almost there…

Suddenly, the edge of her mini skirt becomes eye level.

Oh no.

“Uh, Cherry Rose,” I say.

“Higher, higher!” she shouts. “I’ve almost got it-”

What do I do? If I keep lifting higher, I’m going to see her –

“Wonderland, Wonderland, the happiest place on Earth!”

Suddenly, my flower’s weight is released from my hands. She must have grabbed hold of the branch. But then Cherry Rose screams. I look up to catch the whisp of her beautiful blonde hair being swallowed up by the Spanish moss on the mangrove branch. Something grabs my waist. I look down and see barky hands digging into my flesh. Before I have time to scream, the tree whisks me into its trunk, and I’m swallowed up in a void of darkness.

Cherry Rose

I must have fallen and hit my head. The last thing I remember is that squirrel speaking to me, then tree branches that totes looked like hands grabbing me and pulling me into a black hole.

“You have been chosen by the Great Him,” the cute little furry creature had said.

Chosen for what?

Whatevs. Little furry creatures don’t speak anyways. I must have imagined it.

I open my eyes. At least, I try to. Everything is pitch black, like that one time I woke up in the middle of a hurricane when the power went out. I feel like I’m floating in water, or falling, but not the kind of falling that happens in a basket toss during a cheer performance. I can’t describe it, but this falling feeling feels… different, like, an un-cool falling feeling.

Okay, when am I going to like, wake up?

A sparkle appears in front of me.

OMG how cute!

I reach for the sparkle, reach… reach… I can feel it touching my finger, though I can’t see my hand. Suddenly, a hundred bazillion sparkles appear, like all over me, sticking to my body like Marti Gras glitter. The sparkles begin to tingle, then warm, then turn into fire. ALL OVER ME. I try to scream, but the sound won’t leave my lips. I pretend to close my eyes, and all at once the sparkles and pain disappears, and I’m left alone in the darkness once again…

CRASH!

Slowly, I blink open my eyes. I’m lying on a bed of velvet-soft grass that surprisingly doesn’t make me itch. Above me is the tree I tried to climb, the stringy moss on its limbs swaying in the surprisingly-cool breeze.

I definitely fell and hit my head. Can’t believe that Math Guy dropped me. How pathetic.

A burst of wind blows the moss away, revealing crystal blue leaves on the tree that – wait.

Why are the leaves blue?

I sit. Pain radiates from my skull, so I close my eyes and rub my head. My hair feels coarse, matted, and short.

That’s weird.

When I open my eyes again, I’m surrounded by a field of emerald-green grass as tall as my knee socks. The clouds overhead are toasted marshmallow gold, and skies are painted lilac-pink, as if it were sunset.

That’s weird too, it’s barely even lunch time at the park –

Wait.

WHERE IS THE PARK?

My heart feels like it’s going to explode.

What’s going on? Where are Jessica and Mary Beth? Where is the Math Guy that –

I turn to my right and see him – the most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Soft long blonde hair, flowing in the wind like liquid gold, bulging biceps glistening in sweat. He turns and looks at me – his eyes are the perfect shade of blue, and he’s shirtless so I can see every curve of his pecs. Suddenly I don’t care where I am –

This is the happiest day of my life!

He screams.

OMG is there a bug?!

I scream too and jump to my feet – wait. I hold out my hand. Large knobby fingers end in rotting brown nails, but worst of all –

My skin is the most hideous shade of chartreuse!

I look at my other hand. It’s exactly the same. Something catches my eye. I stare down at my stomach – my bulging belly that’s peeking out from a moth-eaten mauve shirt. I scream even louder.

“Stop right there, you horrendous beast!” the blonde hottie with a body says. “What did you do with Cherry Rose?”

“I am Cherry Rose,” I say. “Who the heck are you?”

“Me?” he says. “I’m…”

He suddenly notices his beautifully strong hands and ripped abdomen. He spins in a circle like he’s chasing his own tail, then stops and stares at me.

He screams.

I scream back and run away from the tree with blue leaves, run through the velvet grass that tickles my ugly bare feet.

What is happening… why does my body look like this… where are my curls and falsies and Dior tennis shoes…

Suddenly I’m splashing in a creek. I stop and look down in the water. When the ripples settle, I see it – my face. Big bulbous purple eyes sitting above a large nose with a hairy mole on the end, and lips that are grossly plump and the most awful shade of green. My hair – it’s marsh witch gray and frizzy like a cheap wig, short with split ends and – is that moss? I grab the mass of green from the side of my head and hold it out in front of me.

The green blob blinks.

I shriek.

“Cherry Rose!”

The blonde babe comes to the edge of the water, where he stops to admire his beautiful face in the water’s reflection. He looks at me, then back at his reflection.

“Cherry Rose,” he says again. “It’s me, Paul.”

Paul?

“I think.”

Wait, THAT Paul?

I try to imagine the anime kid from math class – the tall, bulky kid who had a hard time fitting in the desks at school, the kid who always wore cheap cotton shirts and gym shorts, the one who always said the totes cringiest things…

THAT Paul is this gorgeous man?

I fall to my knees, soaking my green body in the little creek, and begin to cry.

“What is happening?” I cry out. “Where are we, and where are my Dior tennis shoes? I worked all summer to save up to buy those!”

Paul splashes through the water, coming closer to me.

“I… I don’t know for sure…” he says. “But, Cherry Rose, I’ve played a lot of video games, and…”

I stop crying and stare at his gorgeous face, deep in thought.

Tell me this is a dream. Tell me I hit my head really hard and I have a concussion…

“Cherry Rose, I think we were teleported to a different world!” he shouts.

…Wat…

“That makes no sense,” I say, starting to sob again. “Why the heck am I like chartreuse and ugly?” I close my eyes and cry really hard – so hard, maybe the next time I open my eyes, we’ll be back at the theme park.

But instead, I hear a splash. Warm arms embrace me. My tears run dry.

OMG the blonde babe is hugging me?! This is like a dream come true!

“It’s going to be okay, Cherry Rose,” Paul says. Then he stands and extends his hand out to me. “Come on, let’s see if we can find some people.”

I take the dream man’s hand and follow him out of the creek. We begin walking through the soft velvet grass, side by side. Eventually, Paul spots smoke in the distance. As we make our way towards the ash gray pillars, small stone huts with ochre straw roofs begin to morph out of the grass.

“Look Cherry Rose!” Paul shouts. “We’ve found a village!”

The two of us take off across the field like young kids, hand in hand. Slowly, human-like figures emerge from the shadows of the buildings. They’re dressed in dirty bone-white linens with little bonnets tied around their heads. They smile brightly at Paul. But then they see me –

And they scream.

The next thing I know, I’m on the ground with a pointy metal rod hovering over my skull.