I’m Like Totes Doing Magic!

Paul

“Look out, it’s an ogre!” someone shouts, pointing. Cherry Rose and I stop in the middle of a crop field, just shy of the village. All at once, the women scramble to get the children inside the little houses and a group of men approach us, pitchforks and torches in hand. Their faces are painted with anger.

“Stop!” I shout.

“Get away from him, you vicious ogre!” one of the men yells, waving his pitchfork.

“Paul, what’s happening?” Cherry Rose says. “Why are they shouting with funny words?”

She… can’t understand them?

“Shoo, you vicious monster!” one of the men screams at Cherry Rose. He throws his torch at her. I push her to the ground, barely in time to avoid contact with the hot embers. Cherry Rose screams. I stand in front of her and push away the first man who reaches us, but the others advance faster than I can shield my Belle. Two of the men start to pull me away from Cherry Rose, who is lying on the ground in the fetal position. One of them raises a pitchfork over her head.

“Stop it!” I shout.

The feeling starts in my toes, like a nipping tingle, then radiates up my legs and abdomen like warm ramen noodles.

Wait, ramen noodles?

I clench my fists and grit my teeth. The raw energy swells in my blood, pooling in my hands as I suck more of it from the ground.

More… more… more…

The man is about to thrust his pitchfork into Cherry Rose’s skull.

“Stop hurting Cherry Rose!”

At the sound of her name, the energy inside of me ruptures. A wave of purple power explodes over the crop field, shriveling the plants around us to flakes of dust. The men drop to the ground, along with their weapons.

Woah, I… did that?

I rush to Cherry Rose’s side.

“Are you hurt?” I ask her. She opens her tear-filled eyes.

“I… I don’t think so…” she says.

“Ino!” a woman from the village shouts, rushing to one of the collapsed men. She begins to sob.

“You hurt him, you monster!” she screams.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” I say. “I didn’t mean to – here, let me-”

I clench my fists.

Now how does this world’s mana work?

Wait… this world has MANA?

The tingling nips at my toes again like tadpoles in the water.

“Heal them!” I shout.

Once again, the power radiates from my feet, through my chest, and out my hands like sparks of electricity, zapping each of the bodies. The village men slowly sit up in the grass.

“Who are you?” one of them asks. “You possess incredible power to heal us all at once! You must be a nobleman!”

“Hi, my name is-”

My old life flashes through my head. Paul Johnson, the loner. The loser. Always the last one. I have no idea what’s going on, but until I wake from this dream – I will not be Paul Johnson!

“Exavier Eleganta!”

Instantly, I cringe inside.

Really? I used my… fantasy character name?

So not cool…

“Exavier Eleganta, we are blessed to meet you!”

The man stands and hugs me.

“But, this horrendous beast you have tamed-”

“Oh, she’s not a tamed beast,” I say. “This is my friend, Cherry Rose.”

Friend. Cherry Rose.

OMG did those words just get used in the same sentence?

The village people stare at me with quizzical expressions.

“Ogres cannot be… friends…” one of them says.

“Well this one is, and she’s very nice,” I say, turning to Cherry Rose.

“Cherry Rose, introduce yourself.”

Cherry Rose looks at me, befuddled.

“Paul, why are you talking with funny words now?” she says.

Oh. I see. I must be switching between this world’s dialect and our native language subconsciously.

I concentrate on speaking in English.

“Cherry Rose, I want to introduce you to these village people,” I say. I offer her my hand. She gently takes it, and I help her stand. My heart flutters –

I’m holding Cherry Rose’s HAND?!

Once she’s on her feet, she pulls her arms in, wrapping them tight against her chest like an embarrassed little kid.

“Paul, I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m really scared,” she says. At that moment, the young man called Ino pats me on the shoulder.

“Allow my family to host you for supper,” he says. “It would be our honor to provide food and lodging for a noble such as yourself!”

I thank Ino, grab Cherry Rose’s hand, and follow the man into the village. It’s exactly like a cliché video game – small single-story stone houses ribboned with moss, sporadically clustered to form narrow dirt paths. Children watch us from doorways with curious eyes as we follow Ino and his wife to their home. But when we arrive, Ino stops in the doorframe and looks at Cherry Rose.

“We can only offer a seat at our table to humans,” he says. “Your ogre can eat in the stables.”

What? How can they just exclude Cherry Rose because she’s an ogre?

“Cherry Rose is a nice person,” I say. “Why can’t she eat with us?”

“I understand you have tamed it,” Ino says. “But a beast is still a beast. I will have my eldest bring it something to eat.”

With that, Ino and his wife remove their sandals and step into the little stone house.

“What’s wrong?” Cherry Rose asks me. I bite my lip to hold back tears.

It’s not fair!

“Cherry Rose, they have asked that you eat in the stables,” I say.

“What?” she exclaims. “Like, where they keep their horses?”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “They have said they would bring you something to eat.”

“No!” Cherry Rose says, grabbing onto my hand. “I want to stay right by your side!”

In the other world, I would have died at hearing those words.

I place a gentle hand on Cherry Rose’s shoulder.

“It will be okay,” I say to her. “I need to talk to these folks to figure out what’s going on.”

“So that we can like, get back home?” Cherry Rose asks. Something stirs in my heart.

“Yeah,” I say quietly. “So we can get back home.”

One of Ino’s sons comes to the doorway and leads Cherry Rose to the stables behind the house. As I watch her go, my heart aches.

“Welcome in, great noble,” Ino says. I step out of my boots and enter the small, damp cottage. There’s nothing much to it – some straw cots sit in one corner, opposite a stone fireplace that has a small animal roasting over the open flame. I’m seated at the head of a large gold wooden table that takes up quite a bit of room in the small cottage. Ino sits at the opposite end, and his wife brings me a wooden mug of sweet-smelling liquid, her fingers lingering on my hands for a little too long. I can feel my face beginning to blush, so I distract myself by taking a sip. My eyes widen and my taste buds explode. The drink is sour, but sweet at the same time, like a gummy bear coated in sour beads. Without thinking, I drink more.

“So great noble,” Ino says after taking a sip from his wooden mug. “What land are you from?”

I put my half-empty mug down.

Uh…

“Yeah, so, about that…”

It turns out none of them know about the tree with blue leaves in the middle of the green field. The field is part of a large plateau, and to the south, it drops off steeply into a valley where the capital of this land is. The country we are in is called Olagåshia, and much to my delight, Ino describes it as being filled with magical people and beasts. Ino’s family is quite curious about the world that Cherry Rose and I came from – they have never met someone from a human-only land. Oh, and as to the magic system of this world – Ino has no idea what I am talking about.

“Magic is the same as the wind and the waters and the rain,” he says. “It is just a part of the world. What do you mean, you want to understand our ‘magic system’?”

I smile, rubbing the back of my neck.

I’ll… have to find someone else to explain it then.

We talk for a long time, so long that the sun sets and my head becomes cloudy from all the sweet and sour drinks. At some point, my vision begins to spin. Ino passes out in his seat, prompting his wife to come closer and feel my biceps. She makes me really uncomfortable, so I try to stand, but I’m in no shape to walk, so she leads me over to one of the straw cots. As soon as my head hits the feather-filled pillow, I’m out.

Sometime in the night, I wake. With the moonlight glowing through the open window, I can see the children are curled up on the second cot, and the woman is fast asleep on the floor. Ino snores loudly in his chair. I smile and roll over on my other side, wondering how Cherry Rose is sleeping –

CHERRY ROSE!

Cherry Rose

The barn smells like, really awful, and it’s dirty so I’m afraid to touch anything. For a while, I stand in the walkway with my arms curled into my chest, hoping I won’t like catch a disease from being in here. But after some time, I grow tired of standing and take a seat on a bale of hay.

What does it matter? I’m already filthy as it is.

I rub the chartreuse skin covering my hands. It’s velvety like cheap fake leather. How GROSS! And my hair – it feels like it has been fried by a curling iron. Tears well in my eyes, and I begin to cry.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?

I cry for so long, my tears dry up, but I’m still left feeling sad. It’s twilight now, and I’m starving. Suddenly, a shadow appears on the ground outside the stable. I stand. A handsome young boy steps up to the doorway, holding a rope that leads to –

I shriek.

The beast shrieks too.

And so does the boy.

“Takkå ku-hrøshku, broø kzdkski mana kumħar,” he says.

“I don’t understand your funny words!” I shout. The boy holds up his hand.

“Takkå ku,” he says, motioning to the large hairy beast with horns. “Broø kumħar.” He points to an empty stall behind me.

Oh. He must be putting the funny beast in its bed.

I step to the side, and the boy leads the beast to the empty stall. It’s a rather furry creature with two fluffy tails and a long mane. After the beast calmly steps into the stall, the boy closes the pen door, then hurries out of the barn. The beast and I stare at one another for a long time. With the two horns on its forehead, it reminds me of a hybrid between a unicorn and a big fluffy dog.

“So, what’s your name?” I ask the beast.

It snorts, scaring me.

“Never mind,” I say, I sitting on the bale of hay. After more time passes, my eyelids grow heavy, and I eventually cave and lie my head down on the itchy hay…

“Cherry Rose?”

Slowly, I come to, sitting and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. He’s standing in the doorway – the blonde babe.

“Paul?” I say groggily. He places a torch in a holder on the wall and walks over to me, handing me a loaf of bread.

“I don’t think they ever brought you something to eat,” he says.

“They didn’t,” I say, rolling the load of bread around in my hands. It looks tasty, so I take a bite.

OMG this is like the best bread I’ve ever had!

In one bite, I swallow the rest of the loaf. Paul laughs.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

“The way you eat,” he says. “I’m impressed you fit that whole thing in your mouth.”

“Are you making fun of me?” I say, the tears percolating in the corners of my eyes. The smile fades from Paul’s lips.

“No, of course not,” he says. “Cherry Rose, I’d never make fun of you.”

“It’s alright if you do,” I say, rubbing a wart on my ring finger. “I’m ugly now.” Paul sits beside me and grabs my hand. His are smooth and warm, like caramel coffee.

“Paul,” I say, pulling my hand away from his. “Are you going to leave me, because-”

“Of course not Cherry Rose,” Paul says. “I’d never leave you. That’s a promise.”

He smiles softly, his lips the perfect shade of rosy-pink in the torch light. I smile back – no idea what my teeth look like, but Paul doesn’t flinch or gag. That makes me feel good.

“So, did you figure out a way for us to get back home?” I ask.

“Well, not exactly,” Paul says, rubbing the back of his neck. “But there is a city a few days ride away from here. I think it would be best to go there and see if we can find someone to help us.”

“Okay,” I say, suddenly growing very sleepy. “We can go to the city. I like shopping.” Without thinking about it, I lean into Paul’s chest. I gasp, expecting him to push my wretched filth off of his gorgeous stature, but when I try to sit up, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer.

“I promise I won’t leave you,” Paul says. “And I promise I’ll find a way to get you home.”

The next day, the village people offer us their furry beast to ride to the city. But when I try to climb onto its back – which is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done! – the animal caves under my weight. I tell Paul it’s okay, that I can walk and he can ride the animal, but he insists that if I’m walking, he’s walking too. So we leave the furry unicorn-dog with the village people and begin walking through the velvet grass. We walk for hours and hours, and I can feel the callouses on my feet growing. Ew! But the nice part is that Paul talks to me the whole time, helping to distract my mind from the present. In a weird way, I’m actually enjoying spending time with Paul. He tells me about the video games he’s played, but in a way that makes them sound like fireside stories, so I’m actually like interested. He even makes me giggle and laugh often, sending warm pulses through my heart.

Soon night begins to fall, and Paul says we need to make a campsite. I’m not really sure where we’re going to camp though, there’s no clearing in the grass –

“Remove the grass!”

A flood of light magenta aura explodes from Paul’s hands, and instantly, a circle of smooth soil appears under our feet.

Woah, what like, totes just HAPPENED?!

“Make a fire pit!”

A cute little fire, already burning bright orange like a Malibu sunset, appears in the center of the circle. Then Paul commands two wooden chairs and a metal pot to appear. Suddenly, I remember he did something similar, back at that village, and all the men who were attacking me stopped…

“Paul, how are you doing that?” I ask.

Paul laughs.

“It’s magic,” he says.

m…a…g…i…c…

“OMG like, Harry Potter?” I say.

“Um, not exactly…” Paul begins, but I march towards the fire like I’m about to perform a cheer, hold my hands out, and shout:

“Abracadabra!”

… nothing happens.

“You have to state what you want the magic to do,” Paul says.

Right.

“Abracadabra, make a marshmallow!”

A soft tingling starts in my toes, then trickles up my legs, through my stomach, and into the tips of my fingers. I smile as the magenta aura swirls in my hands like fairy dust. This is it.

I’M LIKE TOTES DOING MAGIC!

Then it appears in my hands – the glorious marshmallow –

a small, deformed blob, barely the size of a mini marshmallow, with a brown cancerous tumor.

I start to cry.

“No, no, you did great,” Paul says. He offers me a seat at one of the beautiful chairs he created, then takes the marshmallow from my hands.

“It’s hideous!” I shout. “Just like my hair!”

“No it’s not,” Paul says gently, waving his hands like a professional magician, forming a small metal roasting stick. He skewers the mutated marshmallow, then holds it out over the fire.

“I bet it will taste amazing,” he says, carefully turning the glob over the open flame. A few minutes later, he removes the perfectly toasted disappointment from the metal roasting stick and offers it to me. In one bite, I swallow the marshmallow whole.

“Well?” Paul says.

“Oh,” I say. “I forgot to taste it.” The tears are starting to well in my eyes again. To my surprise, Paul laughs, then places a hand on my shoulder.

“Cherry Rose, don’t be so hard on yourself,” he says. “You’re still learning about magic. It was a great first try.”

His eyes are so beautiful, his smile so soft – I avert my gaze to the fire. We’re silent for a while, with Paul occasionally standing to stir the stew in the pot. Sometime later, he makes two beautifully pink china bowls and pours a ladle of stew into each dish. He hands one of the bowls to me, along with a golden spoon. I gently taste the dinner.

OMG IT’S AMAZING!

“Paul, you’re such a good cook,” I say between bites of stew. Paul laughs.

“Thanks,” he says. “I thought of a recipe my mother used to make, and I have to say, it’s pretty close to what I remember.”

“What all is in it?” I ask.

“Paprika, black pepper, cayenne pepper, bay leaves, onion and garlic,” he says. “It’s inspired by another Creole dish that was passed down for generations in my mom’s side of the family.”

We talk for a long time around the campfire, but eventually Paul says we need to get some sleep. He makes two sleeping bags with pillows, and much to my surprise, I’m able to drift off, dreaming about the conversations we had and how it made me forget, if only for a short while, that I used to be the cheerleading captain, but now I’m a chartreuse monster.

The next two days are exactly the same. We walk for some time, take a break around lunch for Paul to use his magic to cook up something delicious, then continue walking until twilight, when Paul makes a small campsite and we talk around the fire, eating good stew and roasting marshmallows. I never imagined I’d like camping, but with Paul, it’s not so bad.

The next morning, I’m woken by Paul gently rubbing my shoulder.

“Cherry Rose,” he says. “I found it – the city!”

I climb out of my pink sleeping bag, take Paul’s hand, and follow him through the knee-high grass. Not far from our campsite, we stop at the edge of a cliff where the grass abruptly fades into a vertical drop off. But at the very bottom of the steep cliff, sprawling out as far as I can see into the horizon, is the city, glistening gold and auburn in the soft morning glow. I smile from ear to ear.

OMG I CAN TOTES GO SHOPPING!

“Great, we found it!” Paul says. “Now we just have to find a way to get down-”

Something shifts under my feet. I look down just in time to witness the ground cave under my weight. I look at Paul, then scream as I tumble down the cliff.