Chapter 1:

Still Searching - Super Short Story

Still Searching

It has been almost a decade since I started looking for a certain thing. Time sure does fly.

We are often told, “Life is short.”, “You only live once.”, “Time waits for no man.”. And many other similar proverbs that have one thing in common; time is precious.

Time is endless. It continues to move forward. The past becomes history, and the future that is yet to come is presumptively a mystery.

A wise man once said, “Time doesn't exist. Time is a man-made concept used to perceive something that we can neither explain nor experience to the fullest due to our limited sense of perception. More precisely, time is an abstract concept that is used to measure the worldly distance between different events. The only time we have is now!” The wise man happened to be me, circa 2016 AD.

Scientists have spent an endless amount of time learning and experimenting with the idea of manipulating time itself, which sounds a bit paradoxical If you ask me. Despite all those efforts, we still have no clear answers relating to time.

Understanding that time is precious and actually spending time wisely are two different things.

We, humans, have an average lifespan of 80 years, and yet, some of us spend multiple decades of our lifespans doing something that we find meaningful. But there are also some of us, who are stuck in situations we can not avoid even If we want to. Thus, our decades are spent doing something that goes against our will.

I have been a keen observer of things around me ever since I was a kid. I have been in the search of this thing simply out of curiosity. But It seems like I am not even close to finding it yet. I've tried countless methods trying to discover this very thing, but every single time, I ended up in failure. I wouldn't necessarily say that I worked hard, as I just want to find it spontaneously. However, I do not claim that I am not in the least interested in finding it. That would be a lie. If possible, I would like to find it right here, right now. It's obviously not something that I need in order to survive, but as I said above, curiosity led me here. My curiosity is not simply just a choice I can make. It's more than a choice. My curiosity is a part of me. It's part of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Curiosity fuels our knowledge and makes us wiser. The more curious we are, the more open-minded we tend to be as human beings. Now that my curiosity has led me to this situation, a situation that makes me feel like my questions have not been answered, do you think it would be a good idea to give up now? I don’t think so. A part of my brain, that is ruled by my persistent curiosity, still wants to discover that thing no matter what.

It all started when I went on a journey inside my deep thoughts, trying to understand myself better. In a way, I discovered myself. I knew, in an instant, that I want to experience my life to the fullest. Therefore, I continued the journey of self-discovery. But as I discovered myself, It appeared that I had lost something. I didn't understand what It was, nor do I still fully understand to this day, but my gut keeps telling me it was something impactful.

Not only that, after discovering myself… or I would like to call it, “understanding my real self better”, I encountered countless situations where I felt a lack of something I simply can't find within me. It didn't make my life a misery in the least. Instead, I felt lighter and better. However, I was still curious about that certain thing I appeared to have lost during my enlightenment.

Now, after spending a lot of time researching, I might have finally discovered it, but I’m still far from actually finding it within me. From my understanding, the thing that I have been looking for, for almost a decade turned out to be a fuck. Yes, a fuck. Something that I lost a long time ago. In the past few years, my behaviors have changed tremendously. I, no longer, understand the idea of giving a fuck to shit that isn’t relevant to me in any way. I think, a fuck shouldn't be given to something that does not deserve any fuck. “Well, there's nothing I can do about it.” “Good for you” “cool?” have been my mottos my whole life. If possible, I would still like to find this very thing called “a fuck”, but I can't be overly optimistic about it as It seems impossible right now.

A wise man once said, “Life is easy. Ask yourself If you are really happy. If yes, then continue. If not, then stop giving a fuck about shit that don't deserve a fuck and go back to step one and repeat until you're happy.” The wise man, again, happened to be me. I don’t know what the future may hold, but I know for a fact that I’ll be responsible for holding my own future. Therefore, I will most likely keep my journey of finding a fuck I can give. I’ll be looking for it eternally.

Still Searching

Still Searching