13. Solitude

(On a fine day, at the mansion frontyard, several members of the family as well as the servants are lining up together to say the final words to a woman that is about to leave.)

‘Teacher.’

‘Yes, my dear child.’

‘What will you do after this?’

‘I will return to my academy group and complete my research.’

‘What will you do after that?’

‘Let’s see, I think I want to travel around the world!’

‘That’s nice… I’ll miss you.’

‘Hey, don’t worry. Once I’m done, I’ll bring you for a journey!’

‘Really? I will look forward to it! I want to travel the world with you!’

(The teacher nodded with a smile.)

‘Then, goodbye everyone. Thank you for everything.’

(Suddenly, there’s a loud bang in the distance. A huge flame appears!)

‘Eh?’ ‘Teacher… Where are you going?’

(The flame moves here then quickly engulfs the surroundings of the mansion.)

‘Teacher! That’s dangerous! Come back here-’

‘You are a liar.’

‘Eh? What are you talking about?’

‘That cannot happen.’

(The flame grows even larger, consuming the rest of family members and the servants…)

‘That’s because you’ll kill me before I can do that’

(The young girl’s foot stuck to the ground… Meanwhile the family members, the servants and the teacher scream in agony.)

‘Ugh! No! Let me go!’ ‘Teacher!’

‘I will haunt you in your memory.’

‘Nooooooooo!’

(The fire engulfed everyone, leaving the young girl alone. Such is her fate. She could’ve grabbed anyone to safety, but a pity her hands aren’t big enough. Pity she didn’t pay attention to her legs.)

(But why pity the evil? The flames left her unharmed! She’s the child of the False Maker. She must’ve used some sort of dark arts! She will bring doom upon the world!)

(Isn’t that right?)

-Why were you even born, anyway?

***

(x37)2/4

Oskar: “...Wake up! …Wake up!”

The echoing noise, the bright light, and the warmth… The damned hallucinations are over.

Regan: “Ah, the eyes open!”

I was lying on the ground with Seco who seemed to be fine. I sat up and saw the small firestone and a pile of black clothes… It seems my clothes didn’t look so black. Regan and Oskar watched me worriedly. Thorne seems to be standing from afar.

Ann: “...Ugh, what… What happened?”

Oskar: “...You were unconscious. Had to drag you out of the place to this firestone.”

I check my belongings. I remember I lost my darts, but I still have other things intact. My tablet is still there in my pocket, and I still have the satchel. I’m glad I didn’t lose both of them. However, my hand is… empty?

Ann: “...Where’s my weapon?”

Oskar: “...It’s a hassle, so I had to drop it.”

Ann: “Huh? But without weapon, I’m-”

Regan: “Enough of that. We’re in a safe area, so no need to worry. As for you, you suffered from ‘darkness accumulation’.”

Ann: “What is that?”

Regan: “You ran out of light, that puts off the balance of the light to the point the shadow overwhelms you. The shadow merges with the darkness, and it harms you.”

Checking myself, I saw a bandage wound on my leg, and a wet mouth. It seems they fed me with matoto drink earlier. My head is still fuzzy, but I’m alright… Mostly.

Ann: “How could this happen?”

Regan: “Your light should tell you when you are about to run out of light.”

Tell? That’s right. The flicker on the threads… That must be the indicator of me running out of light.

It seems that my light has a limit, and If I go beyond that limit, I will experience that thing again… But…

Ann: “But it has to be done.”

Regan holds my shoulder with their big arms, and faces me. Regan’s eyebrows furrow.

Regan: “Do you not see the danger in that? If you run out of light, we all will die!”

That can’t be…

Regan: “We all linked to you! If the source of light dies out, we won’t be able to get light from elsewhere. You are our lifeline!”

For that moment, I stood in silence. All this time, the concept of travelling outside the city is centered around the torchbearer which uses the control ring to share light with others. I thought that ‘everyone’ had a light.

It turns out the followers cannot generate a light like a torchbearer. They must rely on a torchbearer to do so. Like matoto drink, I am the faucet, and they are the glass. The only way to refuel the light out here is through this firestone pedestal.

If the faucet runs dry, so do the glasses. We’ll have dehydration, slowly going unconscious.

It falls to me to put the light to good use…

But.

Ann: “I had to do it…”

Regan: “I KNOW! But…”

Regan’s eyes look away, seemingly aware of the situation. Regan’s face frowns.

Regan: “ *sigh* I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It was my fault. I have too many expectations for you.”

Ann: “I’m sorry, I didn’t do my best.”

This could’ve been avoided. I know it.

Regan then lifted me to stand.

Regan: “...You alright then? Go meet Thorne.”

I walk towards Thorne, who seems to be in a foul mood.

Ann: “I’m sorry for causing you trouble-”

Thorne: “Hmph, save those for later. Give me the light already. We need to move to the city.”

Stretching my finger, the golden thread seems to pulse normally. There doesn’t seem to be a change with my rings.

Thorne: “That’s enough. Let’s go, and don’t forget to follow my trails.”

As usual, Thorne runs away ahead of us as far as my eyes can see. After all of these, Thorne seems to be able to run that fast… How much stamina does Thorne have?

…

Even though we've been able to rescue Seco safely with their belongings, nobody seems to be happy about it. I think Thorne thought the same thing too.

It’s not that we’re not happy with the results, but we’re not happy with the process. A lot of mistakes were made. In fact, I should call it a failure.

We didn’t say anything during our trip back to the city. Even though the light warms me up, I feel cold inside. The footsteps we made sound rather sorrowful.

During that time too, I started wondering about the voices I’ve had before… Who was that? Why does that voice seem to know something about me?

And the dream… It seemed real. It happened in a place I seem to know about and I recognize that teacher… But is that the ‘truth’? Is my past ‘true’?

Or is it the effects of ‘hallucinations’? The ‘lies’?

Perhaps it’s a lie after all… I’d be a fool to trust lies. I’d be a fool to trust a light that is not supposed to be there.

***

(x37)2/4

When we returned to the city, we brought Seco to the firestone where we warmed Seco up, then we took Seco to the clinic where we left this person to Bal Do for treatment. Bal Do said that it may take a while for Seco to regain consciousness, but it’s not going to be very soon. After that, we split up.

As for now, I am at the front of a giant firestone, with Jevannah beside me. I handed Jevannah the satchel and told Jevannah what happened during the rescue.

Jevannah: “So… You brought Seco’s here with important journals inside. I’d say that’s a great success… Yet you’re not happy about it?”

Ann: “But we were surrounded… I had to exert so much light to get out of that situation. If Oskar didn’t drag me out of there, we would all die.”

Jevannah: “But here you are, alive and well. None of you had any serious injury. What else to worry about?”

Ann: “We almost failed our task!”

Jevannah: “Regardless of what happened there, so long as the results are satisfying, that is all that matters.”

Ann: “...Why do you put so much confidence in me? You know I've never done this kind of thing before.”

Jevannah: “ *sigh* Don’t you get it? I’m investing in you. The money I’ve spent for your provisions so you don’t have to start from scratch, the mercenaries I paid for you so they can teach you how we do things… I am expecting you to be the better torchbearer over time. I don’t expect you to become better instantaneously.”

Jevannah: “You standing here proves that you are worthy of investment, because now you have the time to grow.”

Ann: “Do you not worry if I ever fail at all?”

Jevannah: “Why do you think such nonsense? The best torchbearers do not fail, because they always learn something. You’ve spent some time exploring outside the city, and you experienced the moment when you ran out of light, yes? You must learn to control your light. Careful use of light is the key to success.”

Ann: “But, what if they need to use ‘that’? I mean the power of light?”

Jevannah: “Aah… I see. Then you must assess the situation and use ‘that’ according to the amount of light you have left.”

Ann: “What if they absolutely have to?”

Jevannah: “...Ann, you are their leader. You can’t just let them do what they want. Sometimes it’s better to say no. It’s important to understand you and their needs.”

At that moment, I can do ‘that’ twice before I’m out of light… That means I can only do it once.

Ann: “About the light… Do you know a way to improve the capacity of my light?’

Jevannah: “Well, according to what I’ve learned, the better quality the rings you have, the more light you can carry. You’ll do that by ‘strengthening the heart’... I don’t quite get it but since the ring is tied to a follower, it might have something to do with them. ”

Ann: “You seem to trust the texts so much.”

Jevannah: “Of course I do. Those texts are written by researchers who spent their lives finding a way to improve our lives, including a way to light up this dark world.”

Listening to what Jevannah said, Jevannah might be obsessed with their studies. The plan and the calculations must’ve been done on a piece of paper, rather than in mind… If so, that might explain why Jevannah never sounds worried at all… Everything is calculated.

Jevannah simply let the cogs turn by themselves… Just exactly how it should turn?

Ann: “Then, what should I do next?”

Jevannah: “You wait for Seco to regain consciousness. In the meantime, you can rest, do training, do whatever you want. I won’t use the spirit ring on you this time. You may be working for me, but it falls to you to decide the best course of action.”

After that Jevannah went back to the office and left me alone in front of firestone.

Now that I have time, I should review my rescue task and perhaps think about what I should do next. If I want to be a good leader, I need to devise my own plans.

There is no doubt that the rescue didn’t go as planned, and it all started when I pulled the grey forongi. I remember we had an argument about who to carry Seco. Instead of resolving that, I played around… Perhaps at that time I should raise my voice so they can hear me, or ask beforehand about forongi.

But, say if those attempts failed, and I alerted the Undeaths… And there are two choices, fight through them or find other paths… Back then, we should’ve followed Thorne earlier, given Thorne’s knowledge about the surroundings… But is it truly the right choice though?

Regan and Oskar chose to fight… Maybe if we kill more Undeaths we could actually get through, but it’s doubtful, especially when we can’t predict their exact numbers.

In the battle, it is clear that we’re not great against multiple Undeaths at once. Since only Regan can do the cutting, we can only defeat one at a time. This gets even more complicated if we had to carry someone…

I wonder if there’s a way to improve our fighting capabilities… Perhaps by including Thorne whom I remember able to defeat Undeath by themselves, but that means there’s no one to scout ahead…

I could also try to use a sharp weapon such as Ruler, but that also means I need time to train my strength and I don’t particularly like that weapon… Maybe there’s a better way for these, but for now I’ll keep these in mind.

Finally, there’s my light. There is so much to improve. Since I can only do ‘that’ once, it might be better if I get to know places to refuel my light through a firestone pedestal. Thorne again would probably know about their whereabouts, but will Thorne do that? Their tendency to go alone makes it difficult to discuss with Thorne. There’s the light signal, but it would be better if we could get closer, discuss things beforehand… Or,

Jevannah said earlier that I can increase my light capacity by ‘strengthening the heart’... Maybe it has something to do with my followers. Speaking of that, I don’t really know much about them.

I suppose I should pay them a visit.

***

(x37)2/???

The bar is the first thing I thought about when it comes to conversation. Guys like Regan visit these places regularly.

I looked up and saw the VINES had grown close to harvest length. It seems my drinking routine isn’t that effective for timekeeping.

I wonder if there’s a more precise method of timekeeping, instead of just looking up.

Anyway, I entered the bar and saw only Oskar inside with their weapon leaning on the table, sitting while drinking in a dimly lit room. Fervil seems to be away. I sat beside Oskar. This is my chance to talk.

Ann: “Hi.”

Oskar simply gave me an eyebrow greeting. Oskar’s face is the same everytime… Frown, tired… The type who prefers not to talk. I hope Oskar’s not lose interest here.

Oskar: “...Why are you looking at me like that? If you want to drink, just grab a mug and pour the juice by yourself.”

Ann: “Um, I’m not thirsty. I just want to talk to you.”

Oskar: “...About what?”

I wanted to know more about Oskar, but I need to avoid broad questions. How about…

Ann: “You and Regan had been together for a long time, I assume?”

Oskar: “...I think so. We’re not always together though… Sometimes we went to different jobs, but we’ve always been together if it comes to Jevannah.”

Ann: “Tell me more about it, like how you met with Regan.”

Oskar: “...It was a long time ago. It was at Danubo’s Pass a couple LIbe’s from here during the revolt… At that time, I was being treated in a hospital. Regan came with a group of people, asking for assistance.”

Ann: “So, you had an accident before?”

Oskar: “...You could say that. I was a part of a torchbearer group called The Constellation, but something happened, and somehow I ended up in the place I never thought I would be.”

Ann: “Is that so… You were a mercenary then?”

Oskar: “...More of a performer. We travelled from cities to cities.”

Performer? That is rather a weird occupation for a torchbearer…

Ann: “What do you do as a performer?”

Oskar: “...I don’t remember, but I know I was part of The Constellation, and they called me that.”

Ann: “Can you tell me more about them?”

Oskar went silent this time. I forgot about not asking broad questions… But then,

Oskar: “...All I know is that I was happy back then…”

Happy but does not quite remember their past… What a weird combination. I suppose this is the end of Oskar’s really old past, so I don’t think it would be worth it to ask further. back to a closer-to-present time event.

Ann: “Let’s change the topic. You mentioned a revolt? What happened there?”

Oskar: “...I don’t know much about the details. What I know is that the mayor was unable to pay money to some people… They weren’t happy about it and decided to rob the city. I joined Regan’s group as mayor’s guard.”

Ann: “Did you guys manage to resolve it?”

Oskar: “No… We were outmatched. Slowly each of us one by one surrendered to the enemy side… To avoid punishment, we slipped away… And here I am.”

They both are now a mercenary, a follower who offers service to protect torchbearers from the dangers of darkness, but surely they won’t do these dangerous jobs forever. In the end, they get paid… But for what exactly? I remember Jevannah said they were paid quite handsomely, that should be more than enough to pay for drinks…

Ann: “Do you have something to do in the future?”

Oskar: “...I wanted to return back to The Constellation."

Ann: “You don’t intend to stay here longer?”

Oskar: “...What for? This is the end road for the world… There’s nothing good here… That is why me and Regan saved up the money… Travelling to other sectors is very expensive.”

Ann: “...When will you expect to do that?”

Oskar: “...Your next assignment will be our last job here.”

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