Chapter 548:

Santasiere claus

En Passant Grandmaster

As Iori began wandering towards the chess section, she was suddenly confronted by an old man with long white eyebrows and a beard.

"Oh, a new face? And GROPE! I wanna fuck you! Play me with your body on the line!" the man cackled as he jingled a large sack of coins in his hand.

"In chess, right?"

"Uh... sure. I'm Sanda Chiba, but they all call me Chiba-ji cuz I ain't everyone's daddy, I'm their grandpa."

"We got a pussy pimp here?"

"I ain't a pussy! But your pussy... Heh heh, it's gonna be the first time I've seen one since... 2026 was it?"

"Isn't it 2024?" Iori smirked.

"Shut up! It's 1996. I'm an ex-crime boss, so I know my shit!"

Once everyone was seated, Iori opened the game by moving her pawn to b4 as Chiba-ji moved his pawn to d5. She then moved her knight to f3, causing Chiba-ji to gasp in shock.

"Santasiere!? That's code for Santa Claus!" he shouted as he moved his queen to d6.

"You got a Santa fetish?" Iori smirked as she moved her pawn to c4.

"Santa Claus isn't real!" Chiba-ji fumed as he slammed his king down on d7.

Iori couldn't help but snicker as she moved her pawn to c5.

"What are you laughing at!?" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his queen to e6.

"Your name's Sanda, right? That's pretty close to Santa, ain't it?" Iori giggled as she moved her knight to c3.

"I hate that fat old geezer! The pope said he wasn't real!" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his king to e8.

"What's this about a pope?" Iori asked as she moved her pawn to d4.

"You've never heard of the pope!?" Chiba-ji cried as he moved his queen to c6.

"Nope!" Iori lied as she moved her pawn to e4.

"Listen to me, girl. The pope is the head of the Catholic church worldwide! He lives in Vatican City and... My dementia kicked in, dammit!" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his knight to h6.

"It hasn't been in effect from the start?" Iori snickered as she moved her bishop to b5.

"YOU DAMN YOUNG WOMEN LOOKING DOWN ON CENTURIANS!? Chiba-ji roared as he moved his knight to d7.

"Hey, how old is this guy!?" Iori called out as she captured the queen at c6 with her bishop.

"OH NOOOOO! T- That was a mistake. I don't need a queen to win!" Chiba-ji huffed as he captured the bishop at c6 with his b-pawn.

"Sure, sure. You beat me from this position, you can fuck me on the spot," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at d5 with her e-pawn.

"That's the winning condition anyway!" Chiba-ji fumed as he slammed his pawn down on g5.

"Was it? Oops, I had a Chiba-ji in my mind," Iori taunted as she captured the pawn at g5 with her bishop.

"Oi! Stop taking my pieces!" Chiba-ji shouted as he captured the pawn at d5 with his c-pawn.

"Sure, sure. For one turn," Iori smirked as she castled king's side.

"HUH!? What the hell is that! Refs! She made an illegal move!"

"Uh, it's castling."

"I've never heard of it!"

"Well that explains why you're so shit."

A WWCF ambassador quickly walked up and confirmed castling's legal status as well as en passant's for good measure.

"That's stupid. King should only be able to move one space," Chiba-ji grumbled as he moved his pawn to a5.

"If you want custom rules, you'll need to come to a secret puzzle cafe proper," the WWCF ambassador huffed as Iori captured the pawn at d5 with her knight.

"I'm a wanted man! I can't just go out above ground as I please!" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his rook to b8.

"More like you're so trash you'd get caught instantly," Iori taunted as she moved her rook to e1.

"Whazzat you say!? They call me "Speedy Gonzales"! That was back in my days in Moldova when I did runs from Capetown to Perth!" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his king to d8.

"Uh, I'm a barely passing student in geography and even I know your senility's got you messing up your continents," Iori scowled as she captured the pawn at e7 with her knight.

"I'm Cartwright Cartman! Know why!? I cart maps!" Chiba-ji roared as he captured the knight at e7 with his bishop.

"Hey, can someone CHECK his meds?" Iori called out as she captured the bishop at e7 with her bishop.

"I DON'T USE MEDS!" Chiba-ji fumed as he slammed his king down on d8.

"Oh, that explains everything. Check," Iori smiled as she moved her bishop to g5.

"Huh!? How's that a check!?"

"Uh, rook at e1 got ya lined up?"

Chiba-ji stared at the board before finally seeing what Iori meant, promptly moving his knight to e5. "That's dirty! They say bishops are snipers not rooks!"

"Lol, somebody doesn't know how to play. Hope this check's more easy to register," Iori snickered as she captured the knight at e5 with her rook.

"Oi! Stop cheating with that rook!" Chiba-ji fumed as he moved his king to f8.

"It ain't cheating, it's check," Iori grinned as she captured the knight at h6 with her bishop.

"WHAT!? Oh no! I can only go here!" Chiba-ji trembled as sweat began to run down his face while he moved his king to g8.

"And no fucking this beauty tonight! Checkmate!" Iori snickered as she moved her rook to g5, winning the game. "Oh, and just in case you can't tell-"

"I CAN SEE THAT DAMN ROOK HAS ME IN IT'S FIRING LINE, YOU SLUT!"

"Didn't know. Now outta the way, I got a Belarussian bitch to fry."

The full game:

White: Iori Ishikiridokoro (2488) Black: Sanda Chiba (230)

1. b4 d5

2. Nf3 Qd6

3. c4 Kd7