The Not So Suitable Bachelor

A quaint, little manor stood proudly atop the rolling, green hills. Inside that manor, were two gorgeous lovers. They enjoyed a hearty breakfast of eggs and pork pastries. Unbeknownst to them, were two bumbling morons, stumbling through the palace in what they believed to be a sneaky way.

Yes, I’m referring to Erin and I. We were stood in front of what we believed to be the master bedroom. Its door was closed.

“Other side!” I hissed. Erin crept past the door, to the other end. I counted down on my fingers.

Three…

Two…

One…

We burst through the door. It was a bedroom... and boy was it empty.

Erin groaned. “Why would a dragon even live here?” she asked.

“Because it’s a nice house, Erin, that’s why. Because this past week of investigating has led me to that specific confusion,” I sarcastically responded.

“What are you two doing?” a woman’s voice gasped from behind us. We spun around. The woman was about college aged, with auburn hair and amber eyes. She had full cheeks and was plumper than most of the people I’d seen in this world.

“Are you Lady Evelyn?” I asked.

Her face flushed red, and she ran off. We chased after her.

“Wait! We’re not here to—!” Erin began.

She was cut off by a house-rattling, bone-chilling roar. It sounded like a laughing goose from hell. A gigantic, reptilian beast’s head emerged from the corner at the end of the hallway. It had sandy coloured scales and tiny, beady eyes. Erin and I froze in our tracks.

Was—was I wrong about this entire situation?

***

Eight days earlier…

“My lord, we are here to assist you in your quest to retrieve the fair lady Evelyn,” I announced. I was kneeling inside a small throne room. Well, there was no throne, but there was a chair. A very nice chair, if I could be so bold. On it, sat the rotund Lord Habernackle, in all his majesty.

I continued. “Sir, we are certified investigators, who have succeeded in all of our hunts. We have brought down everything, from human trafficking rings to serial killers. We specialise in missing persons cases,” I embellished.

Lord Habernackle smacked his sceptre on the ground. “Hmmm,” he hummed. “M’yes… this pleases the Habernackle,” he muttered.

I could only do so much to not burst out laughing. Thank God I couldn’t see Erin’s face right now, or I would have lost it. What a goofy, little guy, I thought.

“Stand up,” Lord Habernackle ordered us. “No man or woman who offers to save my daughter need kneel before me. Here’s the full story: last week, I was out riding in the countryside with my little princess, when a dragon swooped in and stole her. Yesterday, she wrote me a letter.” He signalled to a guard, who gave me an open envelope. It looked to be the same one the town square speaker had been waving.

Erin leaned in as I read through it:

“Dear father,

Stop looking for me. I am safe and happy. I will return when you calm down.

Yours,

Lady Evelyn.”

“I don’t get it. Didn’t she just run away?” Erin proposed.

“Preposterous! Why would she run away, when she has this big house and all the food and suitors she could want?” Lord Habernackle angrily interjected. “No, we believe that the dragon threatened her into writing this letter!”

“My lord, did anyone else see her get taken away by this dragon?” I asked.

Lord Habernackle went red in the face, though I couldn’t tell if it was due to rage or embarrassment. “As a matter of fact, yes they did! I had two guards with me. Raymond, take it away!” he ordered.

The guard to his right took a step forward. “We were out riding, when suddenly, a dragon swooped in. We bravely tried to fend it off, but it managed to steal the fair lady Evelyn despite our best efforts,” he explained.

Wait, they fought it?

“Sir Raymond, how big was this dragon?” I asked.

“About the size of two peasant’s houses combined,” Sir Raymond confidently replied.

“Could the dragon speak?”

“How ridiculous! Of course it couldn’t speak, it’s an overgrown lizard!” Sir Raymond retorted indignantly.

I glanced over to Lord Habernackle. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. I let out an amused sigh.

***

“Let’s get something to eat,” Erin suggested. “I saw a place ten minutes away that I really want to go try. They even serve pork!” she encouragingly exclaimed. I agreed and we headed off.

“So, Erin, what do you think about this entire situation?” I asked.

“I think you’re crazy for wanting to fight a dragon.”

“What else?”

“What else? Well, I don’t even know how you plan on finding it.”

“Erin, weren’t you paying any attention? You’re usually more perceptive than that.”

“They didn’t give us much to work with. What do you think?” she asked in an accusatory tone.

I smiled. “Easy. When considering the letter coupled Habernackle’s story, I figured the dragon didn’t exist. However, Sir Raymond’s reaction when I asked if they could speak felt too genuine to be faked. I think there really is a dragon,” I said.

“See? So, you’re going to get us both killed.”

“No, because they fought it and they were fine. Look: Lady Evelyn is abducted, yet the dragon doesn’t harm anyone in the process. Why does a dragon need with a human woman? Why didn’t he kill or even hurt anyone? Furthermore, the princess is able to send letters from wherever she is. This means that, either she’s safe, or the dragon can somehow tell her what to write. Based on the lord’s nervous reaction when I asked if the dragon could speak, I suspect it can. Something tells me he knows this creature,” I induced.

“What are you saying? That dragons can talk and that Lord Habernackle knows who took his daughter?” Erin asked, doubtfully.

“When the speaker told his audience about the letter, I immediately became suspicious. That’s why I asked to go to the library beforehand. Dragons are rare, but their existence is well documented. They can’t talk. By all accounts, they are mindless, oversized, fire breathing lizards. Yet, somehow, this one had the brains to kidnap someone and can most likely communicate with humans…”

I thought about it, as I limped through the streets. I hadn’t yet fully recovered. Suddenly, the image of Allister’s face appearing on that woman’s face flashed through my mind.

“That’s it!” I exclaimed.

***

Back to the present…

I crashed through the window, and landed on the kempt, manor garden with a vicious thud. A heroic bush saved me from tumbling further. Both the fall and the whack by the dragon’s tail had hurt more than I’d expected, since… I’d expected to die on impact. Instead, I slowly stood up and unsheathed my sword. There it was, that superhuman burst of strength.

Where the hell is it?

A shadow covered the ground I was standing on. The dragon was perched up on the manor’s roof, with its wings spread. Its shrill roar reminded me of a demonic EAS alarm. Sudden movement in my peripheral vision. It was Lady Evelyn.

I made a mad dash for the not-so-fair lady. The dragon leapt down, but I managed to slide underneath it. I sprung up and dived for Lady Evelyn. She slammed the door in my face, but I shoulder-barged straight through it. The door exploded into splinters. Lady Evelyn fell down with a terrified scream. I effortlessly lifted her to her feet with one hand, then put a dagger to her throat. “We just want to talk!” I yelled out.

The dragon shrieked again.

“I know you’re human, so just speak to me!” I shouted.

“Kaizo, just do as he says!” Lady Evelyn cried out.

Slowly—and might I add rather grotesquely—the dragon began to morph back into a human. When the metamorphosis was done, what stood before me was a tall, handsome, blond man—a real prince charming. I could see how muscular he was, since he was butt naked.

“Unhand her!” he ordered.

Dude, put some clothes on, first.

“What did you do to my companion? Did you eat her?” I asked.

“Kugo, I’m right here,” Erin said from behind me. “I’m just enjoying the view.”

Shut up, lady.

“Why didn’t you attack her, too?” I asked the man-dragon. I was genuinely curious.

“Because she’s pretty,” he replied.

“What?” exclaimed Lady Evelyn and I in unison. Lady Evelyn began to scold the man, who promised that he only had eyes for her. I had to remind myself that I was holding her hostage.

“Both of you, shut up!” I shouted. They fell silent. “Listen. We’re not here to arrest you or bring the oh-so-fair lady back to her father. We just have a little favour to ask. In fact, I think we can all help each other out.”