Chapter 14:


The Sequence of Kai

It’s rough. It’s amateur. Every thrust is unpleasant, but it fulfils a need.Bookmark here

“Fuck!”Bookmark here

I did end up finding someone tonight. An unremarkable man, he wore glasses.Bookmark here

“Haaah. Haaah. Huuh.”Bookmark here

His breathing is short and ragged. He’s not a talker. That’s not an issue, I prefer it this way. Sex is all about being something for someone else, all the better if I can play that role in silence.Bookmark here

“Come here….”Bookmark here

He flips me over so that we’re face to face. He gropes my breasts with his right hand and his left nearly slips from under him, but he steadies himself on my torso. He never stops entering me the whole time. It’s incessant, mechanical, hard to feel anything about.Bookmark here

Isn’t this how it always is? Why can’t I let myself go in this moment? Bookmark here

“Hey, are you alright?”Bookmark here

“I’m fine.”Bookmark here

“You look like you’re about to fall unconscious.”Bookmark here

“I told you, I’m fine.”Bookmark here

“Ok….”Bookmark here

He regains the vigour he lost a moment ago, my disinterest must have shown on my face. I don’t want to be disinterested. Moments like these are the only ones I can be something, it has to be for someone else. If I lose that feeling, I’ll never be anything ever again. Bookmark here

I’m thinking about the man from earlier. He could do it.Bookmark here

“You don’t look like you’re enjoying this…..”Bookmark here

“I am.”Bookmark here

A look of concern spreads over his face and he starts to slow down.Bookmark here

“Don’t even think about stopping.”Bookmark here

I wrap my legs around his back, so he has nowhere to go. Even then, with no way of pulling back, he remains still. I don’t like still, still reminds me too acutely of what’s going on here.Bookmark here

“Can’t get off unless the girl does too? Is that the issue here?”Bookmark here

“Well… Yeah….”Bookmark here

“Maybe I could get more into it if you had any intention of paying me.”Bookmark here

“You were serious about that?”Bookmark here

“Of course I was.”Bookmark here

His body is impatient. Not being able to pull out he tries to push forward but is stopped by my hands forcing him back.Bookmark here

“Are you going to give me what I want?”Bookmark here

“I don’t think I can do that…”Bookmark here

He’s too nice a guy, not the type that should be soliciting prostitutes, he’s probably just not good enough with girls to find a partner.Bookmark here

“At least pretend to do it, then I can pretend to be into it.”Bookmark here

“Ok….”Bookmark here

He timidly moves one hand to my neck, then the other. He tightens them around my throat as he starts moving again. I give it a few seconds, but I can still breathe pretty easily. This is no good.Bookmark here

“Get off me.”Bookmark here

“Wha-”Bookmark here

I push him off me with enough force that he falls backwards off the bed and lands on his ass. He looks so pathetic sitting there on the ground with nothing on but odd socks. I feel bad for him, this is partially my fault.Bookmark here

“Get up. Sit on the bed beside me.”Bookmark here

He does as he’s told and sheepishly sits up on the edge of the bed to my right. I finish him off with my hand and wipe it clean on the sheets.Bookmark here

“Thank you.”Bookmark here

“Don’t thank me for that.”Bookmark here

“Why not?”Bookmark here

“Because you should be apologizing.”Bookmark here

“What do you want me to apologize for?”Bookmark here

“Didn’t your mother teach you not to lie?”Bookmark here

“Oh, that….”Bookmark here

He stands up and starts pulling his clothes back on. Bookmark here

“So?”Bookmark here

I reach up and pull him down by the shoulder.Bookmark here

“I won’t apologize for not killing you, that’s stupid.”Bookmark here

“That’s what’s stupid? Not agreeing to it in the first place?”Bookmark here

“I didn’t think you were serious.”Bookmark here

“Whatever.”Bookmark here

I get redressed, boots first, underwear and skirt on after them. I try putting my bra back on but it’s hard with no mirror.Bookmark here

“Can you give me a hand with this?”Bookmark here

I gesture to the unhooked bra strap on my back because this guy is slow on the uptake.Bookmark here

“Oh, sure.”Bookmark here

His clumsy fingers brush against my shoulder blades. They’re still cold from outside, the heating in his car was broken and he said he’d forgotten to bring gloves.Bookmark here

“Why do you want me to do it?”Bookmark here

“Because I can’t do it myself.”Bookmark here

“But it’s not something I can do either.”Bookmark here

“You can’t hook a bra?”Bookmark here

“No! I mean yes! I can do that. I meant I can’t do…. The other thing….”Bookmark here

“Oh.”Bookmark here

He eventually manages to hook my bra.Bookmark here

“So why? Why do you want to die so badly?”Bookmark here

“I don’t owe you an answer, you’re just some guy. Why do you even want to know?”Bookmark here

“Well if you’re going out asking people to do that to you….. I doubt you have anyone telling you that you shouldn’t”Bookmark here

“I should, that’s why no one says otherwise.”Bookmark here

“No, you shouldn’t, no one should.”Bookmark here

I pull my top on and then my jacket over it.Bookmark here

“I hate people like you, you don’t understand that some people deserve to die, need to die.”Bookmark here

“No one deser-”Bookmark here

“Yes, they do, and I’m one of them.”Bookmark here

I don’t want to hear another word, so I march out the door into the cold corridor of the apartment block he lives in.Bookmark here

I hear him close the door behind me, at least he has the sense to leave it at that. Bookmark here

I pull my hood over my head and slip back into the cold winter night.Bookmark here

***Bookmark here

By the time I’m back home it’s not even bright out, what a disappointing evening. Bookmark here

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up, my mind keeps losing its grip on my memories. I need to die. I need to die quickly. But I haven’t found anyone who can kill me. Bookmark here

It strikes me that I still owe that girl from earlier at least £20. Maybe that’s an odd thing to think of right now, I’ve never been good at blocking out intrusive thoughts.Bookmark here

I don’t have time to be worrying about things owed, I need to find someone else, something else, to stop my mind slipping any further.Bookmark here

I pick up my phone. No messages, one notification telling me it might rain later. What about that other man from last night? He was dangerous, I felt something from him. Maybe he could do the job.Bookmark here

Bookmark here

……Bookmark here

I unlock my phone for the first time in months.Bookmark here

“Where do you want to meet?”Bookmark here

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