Discordance I / Knife in the Heart

“Crap. That doesn’t seem right…” I held my head in my hands and sighed. My fifth crack at the math problem before me had been as disastrous as the previous four, netting yet another impossible answer.

The two weeks I’d devoted to preparing the makeshift Trivune Festival for Shina were coming back to bite me. Since I’d put off all of my other responsibilities in the meantime, I fell behind on my studies and was still clambering to catch up, even many days later.

I’d enlisted Shina’s help for some classes, but the further from magic the subject was, the less assistance she was able to offer. At some point, I would have to break down and ask Kerne to tutor me, but I knew he’d give me an earful about letting personal matters interfere with my education. At least for now, while my head was still barely above water, I wanted to avoid that.

No matter what he says though, I won’t regret it. Even if I flunk all of my classes, it was worth it.

Using that sentiment as fuel for my next attempt, I dipped my writing stylus into my inkwell and leapt back into battle. As much as I wanted to pretend I’d be okay with failing my courses, I was terrified at the idea of my professors being disappointed in me.

Before I could put ink to paper, however, a sudden knock at the door stalled my hand.

Who could that be? I can only think of a few people who even know where my room is.

“Akio? Is that you?” I put my best guess forward.

“Nope. It’s me.”

“Shina?” I was left dumbstruck at the impossible reality before me.

Something is very wrong here…

I stood from my chair apprehensively and opened the door to greet my guest.

“Uh, Everett? Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“It’s creepy when you suddenly start respecting me, that’s why,” I jabbed.

She looked equal parts confused and offended. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean. The knocking, obviously. After months of you ignoring my complaints, seeing you actually listen is kind of unsettling.”

In spite of my biting words, I moved to let her inside, and she likewise wandered past me. To my surprise, she wasn’t carrying anything with her.

“What have you been working on? Still studying the summoning sigil?” I asked as I closed the door.

“Yep. It’s taken weeks, but I think I’m finally getting close to making a breakthrough.”

She’d been pouring all of her energy into that research while she was depressed about missing the festival, but, contrary to my expectations, that drive remained even after her spirits were restored. In fact, this was the first time in a while she’d dropped by my room without those materials in hand. Before I could ask her about them, however, I noticed she was glancing at my scratch paper from earlier.

“Oh,” she said. “Everett, you applied the formula wrong here. You can only use that rule on positive expressions.”

“Crap, you’re right. I can’t believe I forgot about that…” I sighed when I saw what she was pointing at. “Thanks. I’ve been beating my head against the wall on this one for like an hour now.”

As I slid back into my seat to try my hand at the problem again, I realized Shina was still looking over my shoulder.

“I thought you weren’t interested in math, and you told me you barely passed this class. I’m shocked you remember something so random.”

“‘Barely passed’ still means ‘passed’, alright? Don’t doubt me so much!”

“Sure, sure.” As if I’d doubt you for a second.

…

That’s odd.

I turned back around to face her. “Aren’t you gonna sit down? It’s nerve-racking to have you look over my shoulder while I work,” I complained. “First you knock, then you wait to claim my bed until I give you the go-ahead. What’s happening today, Shina? It’s throwing me off.”

“I just…” she mumbled as she plopped down. “I have something… serious I want to talk about, and it’s making me nervous.”

Great, now I feel like a jerk for teasing her.

“Sorry. I’m all ears.” Debating internally for a moment, I rose from my chair and sat down onto the bed next to her. “What is it?”

She was fiddling with her fingers and went silent for several seconds before finally whispering, “… I want you.”

“… What?” My mental faculties shut off for a second or two, before her meaning clicked. “Ah, you mean you want me for something. I mean, yeah, I figured. But what?”

Jeez. Don’t word it like that! You’re gonna make me think—

“No.” Suddenly, she reached out and grabbed onto my shirt with both of her hands. “I want you.”

“Sh-Sh-Sh-Shina!?” I squeaked.

“I just… I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter what I do. I can’t focus. I can’t relax. I can’t work. It’s killing me.”

“C-calm down! We can talk about—”

“No!” Though she didn’t apply much force, my body followed along when she pushed it down onto the bed. “I need you, Everett.”

What’s gotten into her?

I knew I should stop her.

Why is she acting so strange?

Yet, for some reason, I couldn’t will my body into action.

She swiftly moved to prop herself above me, digging her hands into the bedsheets around my torso to hold her body up. One of her twin tails fluttered down and tickled my chin as she gazed into my eyes.

“You feel the same way, right?”

“…”

“Don’t you?”

This feels wrong.

“Y-yeah.”

What am I doing?

“Then hold still.”

I don’t want this. Not like this, not when something is clearly off about her.

It’s so wrong. So why won’t I move!?

I didn’t budge an inch as she gently lowered her lips toward mine.

…

Please. Do something.

…

I closed my eyes and waited.

…

“Lyos!”

Something crashed and shattered against the wall, just inches from my head. By the time my eyes flew open, the figure above me was gone, and cold, glittering specks of dust were drifting down from where the wall had been struck.

I remained frozen for a second, trying to comprehend what was happening, before I shot back upright. A perplexing sight unfolded before me.

“Shina? How did you get there?”

She was standing only a step or two from my open door, her arm outstretched. She looked horrified, like she’d just witnessed something repulsive.

“What… was that?” Her voice came out as a murmur, and she stumbled backward as she spoke.

“H-huh? What do you—”

“That thing! What was… and what were you…”

“That… ‘thing’? What are you talking about?”

“Did you seriously think that thing was me!?”

I turned to look at the patch of ice stuck to the wall behind me. It left a notable imprint, which meant there was no question as to who had cast it. But there was no way Shina could’ve moved from my bed to the door in such a short period of time, and she would have had no reason to fire off a spell at the air above me, either.

Unless, of course, that Shina had been fake all along.

I pretended to realize what I had discerned in my heart long ago.

“… I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought—”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You can’t even tell the real me from an illusion!?” The pain bleeding into her voice bit even deeper than her words.

“I-I said I’m sorry! It was… convincing.”

No, it wasn’t.

Shina’s face scrunched in agony. “Convincing? Do you even know me at all!?”

I had no idea how much she’d seen, so I wasn’t sure how to defend myself.

Defend yourself? Is that really what you should be thinking about right now?

“I was… really overwhelmed. I’m sorry.”

You knew. You knew something was wrong from the moment “it” stepped into the room.

Shina had never shouted at me with this kind of emotion before, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

You just wanted to take advantage of her. You just wanted it to be easy.

That was why you did nothing.

“Do you even really care about me? Or were you just hoping I’d throw myself on you if you were nice enough?”

“Th-that’s unfair, Shina. You know that’s not true. I know I’m in the wrong here, but—”

“But what!?” Tears flung from her eyes as she lurched forward, screaming.

“I know I was being an idiot. I know that, and I’m sorry. I just…” I felt lightheaded, my panic paralyzing my lungs. I couldn’t think straight, and my speech was barely audible.

You made her cry.

My fragile mind was ill-equipped to handle this level of enmity, especially from her. It couldn’t even handle the weight of my own mistakes.

You’re a monster.

You did this.

Did you ever really give a shit about her?

“What’s… wrong with you?” Her screams had simmered into a frail utterance of pure anguish.

You hate her, don’t you?

Something snapped.

“Wrong with me?” I trembled, a foul emotion coursing through my veins. “I keep apologizing! What else do you want from me? Why is it my fault someone tricked me? Why the hell do I bother doing everything for you if you won’t even forgive me for a single goddamn thing!?”

My shouts garnered no reply.

What? What did I…

My consciousness finally melded back into my body, and my grasp on reality solidified once more.

What did I just say to her?

She looked like a vacant corpse, as if her soul had just been ripped from her flesh. Her eyes were lifeless and faded, with only the salty beads sliding down her cheeks remaining in motion.

“Shina… I’m sor—”

I couldn’t even finish. I knew I didn’t have the right to finish. All I could do was stare, taking in the consequences of my actions.

She stood frozen for several seconds, before finally turning and sprinting out of my room. I knew she would run far, far away, never to come back.

What’s wrong with me?

My legs gave out, and I slid to the ground, leaning against my bedframe.

I’m a terrible person.

Why did I delude myself into thinking she’d always forgive me? Why did I think I deserved that in the first place?

I obviously hurt her. So why did I try to defend myself? What did I think that would accomplish?

Shina’s a kind person. Even if she was angry, she would’ve cooled down. We could’ve fixed things. I could’ve owned my mistakes and made up for them.

But I screwed it up. Forever.

She’s not coming back. Not after that.

I couldn’t even apologize a single time without trying to spew out some kind of bullshit excuse.

Was it worth it? Was it worth it to stick a knife into her heart for the sake of my pride? Because I refused to accept any wrongdoing?

The most important person in my life. The person who lit a fire inside me, who made me happy to be alive. The person I so arrogantly believed I had a right to love.

I hurt her. Twice.

And now she’ll never come back.

I should just go die. That would probably make her happy.

…

Who am I kidding? The only person I’d be doing that for is myself.

I sat there for a long time, a pathetic storm of pity and self-hatred that would never again find the sun.