Discordance II / Sinner

My head felt like it was on fire as I made my fourth round through campus. I hadn’t taken a single break since beginning my hunt, and the exhaustion and dehydration were doing no favors for my already crippled psyche.

Up until that thing made an advance on me, its demeanor had been believable. Its speech, mannerisms, and the general way it carried itself were accurate imitations of the real thing, and even the noticeable oddities in its behavior were plausible enough to be written off. In other words, whoever performed this stunt had to have known Shina well, and they were probably familiar with the shape of our relationship too.

And an illusion-wielding trickster that knew both of us? There was no doubt as to who the culprit was. Even if I couldn’t fathom her motive, her guilt was all but certain in my mind.

And then, finally, after looping aimlessly through campus for miles on end, I found her.

“Fleur!”

By this time in the evening, few students were still out and about, so she was easy to spot. She sat alone, lounging in a courtyard not too far from the student dorms. The fact that I’d even found her outside in the first place was a miracle in itself.

But she had to have known I’d suspect her right away. It’s possible she’s been waiting for me to confront her.

She stood and turned to face me as I called her name. “What brings you out here so late? Oh dear, are you stalking—”

“What the hell were you doing!?” I spat, unable to kindle the fury rising up through my chest.

Her eyes widened slightly, as if surprised. “I’d love to help you, but I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.”

“Drop the bullshit.” Once I got within a few feet of her, I halted my advance.

“Really, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” To my surprise, she took a couple of steps forward, and a grin blossomed on her face. “But we can talk about it, if you’d like.”

“I know it was you! I’m not gonna pretend like—”

I froze in disbelief as she suddenly reached out and pressed a hand against my cheek. “You look stressed out. Did something happen with Shina? Young love can be volatile sometimes, can’t it?” She giggled, reigniting my rage.

“And that’s your fault! All of this is—”

“Was it really not your fault?”

She’d taken one final step forward, bringing her face just an inch from mine. We were nearly the same height, so her hot breath tickled my lips as she spoke. As before, the shock delivered by her unpredictable actions stalled my accusations, and she stole the floor from me.

“It’s okay,” she said, her voice falling to a whisper. “I’ll accept you, even if she won’t.”

A few strands of golden hair brushed against my face, fluttering on the soft nighttime breeze. She held her stance silently for a moment, perhaps awaiting a reply. My mind, however, had drifted elsewhere.

Her… hair…

Induced by similar stimuli, my brain reconstructed that terrible moment from only a few hours prior.

Its hair brushed against my face, and it even grabbed my shirt.

I felt it. It was tangible. I know I did, but…

“Fleur’s illusions are really convincing, but they’re not physical.”

That… thing. It couldn’t have been hers.

In all my irrationality and hysterics, I’d missed something obvious. In my desperate attempt to assign blame and absolve myself of wrongdoing, I’d been hunting an innocent person.

I didn’t know if other varieties of illusion magic were capable of imitating the sense of touch, or if the thing used against me was something different from an illusion altogether, but I’d encountered Fleur’s powers more than enough over the past few months to understand how they worked.

“Fleur, I’m sorry… You didn’t do anything wrong,” I mumbled. For yet another time today, I made a pathetic, useless apology far too late.

“I’m still not sure what you thought I did, but apology accepted.” As her words physically washed over my face yet again, my brain finally put together the insane situation I was in.

“F-Fleur? What’re you—”

“You don’t like it? Are you sure?”

The cheek she was holding began to burn, and I suddenly felt short on breath. My mind was racing, yet it was also frozen still. I knew what she was doing, so it frustrated me that my body was reacting the way it was.

“Fleur, this is wr—”

“Shhhhh.” I’d never been good at getting through to her, and this time was no different. “You look like you’re being crushed by anxiety. Come on, let me ease it for you.”

I gulped, hoping to ease my rapidly accelerating heart rate. I wanted to tell her “no”, to push her off of me, and to turn her away without leaving any room for a response.

Yet for some reason, I did nothing.

“We can just fool around a little bit. What’s there to lose? And don’t worry, I won’t tell. This can be our little secret.”

My mind was buzzing with an urge for self-destruction. I already knew I was a monster. I already hated myself. I already wished I was dead.

So what could really go wrong?

“Close your eyes, baby. Let me take it from here.”

As my body acquiesced to her command, I saw just one thing amongst the blackness of my inner eyelids.

Shina.

I kicked off the ground and flew backward, letting my battle instincts take the reins. My brain activity blazed to life once again as I gasped for air, oxygen flooding my veins.

Shina would never forgive me for what I’d already done to her; in a sense, that made it impossible for me to betray her again. No matter what I did here, she probably wouldn’t care.

But I love her. Even if I’m nothing but filth, that’s the one truth I refuse to sully further.

I knew this wasn’t exactly combat, but I took on a battle stance nonetheless as I stared down Fleur a couple of yards away.

“Back off! I won’t play your game!” I shouted.

She let out a casual huff and shrugged her shoulders. “Well, I guess that settles it. I got worried for a second there, but at least you pulled through in the end.”

“W-what?” Her response was odd, to say the least.

“I was testing you, Everett.” Her demeanor reverted to normal in an instant.

“… Why?”

“Shina came to me for help a couple of hours ago, so I already heard about what happened from her. From how she described it, the whole situation seemed like an honest mistake, but I’ve met plenty of pigs disguising themselves as men before. You always seemed sweet, but I wanted to make sure.”

I gritted my teeth. “If that’s the case, I barely passed your ‘test’ then. I’m not much better than that scum.”

“I dunno. You drew back pretty fiercely, and I didn’t expect you to be in such bad shape to begin with, so I might’ve pushed a little too hard. I guess she was taking it rough, too, so maybe I should’ve seen that coming.”

I felt bitter but conflicted. I was angry at her for trying to take advantage of me when I was at my weakest, but I also knew I was far from the victim in this situation.

And besides…

“I’m sorry, Fleur. I was being stupid, thinking you were behind that illusion from the beginning. I should’ve trusted—”

She giggled, and that inexplicable gesture threw me off. “You’re sorry for doubting me? Why would you apologize for that? I wouldn’t trust myself if I were you, either. Relax.”

Yeah, I’ve been right from the beginning. I’ll never understand her no matter how much I get to know her.

“Well, even if you don’t care, I’m still sorry.” I was stubborn with apologies, so I tried again to make this one stick.

“I just tested you. Why are you pretending there’s some high level of trust between us?”

“Well, I had no reason to doubt you, either.”

“You’re too honest and naïve for your own good.” She sighed and rolled her eyes.

Wow. Even Fleur can act like Mara if I push her hard enough. Wait, does that mean I’m the problem there?

Sighing to myself, I decided to scrounge for anything else I could. Even if Fleur wasn’t behind the illusory Shina, she was still my best lead. “Hey, Fleur, can illusions affect the sense of touch?”

“Sure, but it’s not very practical,” she responded flatly, seeming to have expected this question. “Physical force and illusions are mortal enemies. You can use a little bit, but you run the risk of destroying your own spell if you go too far. Plus, if whatever the illusion is touching touches it back too hard, that’ll also cause it to break. It’s too risky to get that close to begin with, so I’ve never bothered dabbling in it.”

“And I take it you don’t know anyone else who has?” I asked in desperation.

“Nope. Shina asked the same thing. At best, the one lead I can give you is that whoever’s behind it probably doesn’t specialize in illusion magic. If they did, they wouldn’t have been stupid enough to waste time practicing touch when they could’ve been refining the other senses.”

I hadn’t studied the illusion too closely, but as far as I could remember, its looks and voice were high quality. If Fleur’s guess was correct, the caster must’ve been one hell of a mage to manage that without even being an illusion specialist.

“Damn. Thanks, though. You’ve at least given me something to work with,” I said.

“Investigating shouldn’t be your priority. Shina has better odds of figuring this out than you do, and you have something more important to deal with. Now, I have no idea what kind of argument you two had after that show, but you need to talk to her and fix things. Both of you looked so pathetic it still makes me want to cry, and I haven’t cried in years.” Her tone made it ambiguous whether she was making fun of me or trying to help, but I wanted to believe it was the latter.

“I don’t… think she wants to talk.”

“Whatever. I’m not gonna baby either of you.” She let out an exaggerated yawn and stretched. “Well, it’s time for me to be off. Good luck, Everett.”

She winked before departing, and I was once again left alone to my thoughts.

Fleur was right; I should talk to Shina. Even if there was only a tiny chance she’d forgive me, I had to try. She was the most important thing in my life, and I’d do anything to prove it.

But she hates me.

If I let her be, I can still live under the delusion she might not. But if I hear her say those words, it’ll break me. I won’t be able to handle it.

So is the risk really worth it?

In the end, my fear and self-hatred were too paralyzing to overcome.