CORPORATE RETREAT - PART IV

“So you took command of the emergency?”

Janus, after having been brought in to attempt a rescue, was particularly puzzled by my resolution to the situation at the resort.

“Yes.” I nod once and remain standing at attention. Still in my floral print shirt and shorts.

“While you were being held captive by the cause of the crisis?” I can tell his head wants to spin. Hardly able to contain his emotions and stay on the professional side.

“Yes.” again I nod.

Our dressing down feeling no less intimidating by being cloistered away in a crumbling back office of the hotel. The disaster relief efforts of the other Returners echoing around us through the remaining walls.

Holding his forehead with one hand, he waves about himself with the other, “And they all listened?” referring to the several hundred heroes on the retreat with us.

“Yes,” nod, “they listened to Meganie while I soothed the monster.”

She’s a longer standing employee of the Returns Agency, and way smarter than I am, so I’m sure they took her seriously, even if the plan sounded crazy.

Janus snaps a little, his head trying to windmill on its own, “You could have been compromised, or killed, or others could have been...” with a heavy sigh and deep breaths, he manages to reign himself in.

“S-sir...” Meganie picks up where he left off, “even with only remote access to our systems I could identify the creature as a deep space kraken.”

The Head of Recruitment turns his gaze upon her, she shrinks for a moment, but no more, before continuing her defence confidently, “They’re highly intelligent, surpassing humans if they live long enough, and their young are very playful...”

Janus’ patented ‘vibrating when he is struggling to restrain his emotions’ causes the scientist to fumble through the last of her explanation, “i-if you listen to this, it might help!”

You tell him!

I smile like a proud mama hen while Meganie plays a recording. It sounds like whale song, but more resonant and eerie. Surprisingly, Janus’ shaking subsides.

“Ken has proven adaptable in the field, quick to analyse situations and determine the best course of action. He has prioritised all lives and everyone’s well-being, not just his own or fellow Returners, which is why I liaised his orders to the others.” She end her report cool as a cucumber.

If you want to propose, now’s the time! I’d lay myself at your feet saying things like that!

I remain standing straight. The Head of Recruitment looks between us, almost convinced. Then my defender replays the audio with enhanced translation software.

>>> “Where have you been? I told you not to wander off!”

>>> “Mom! Mom! I found a beach and I was playing then my snack started talking to me!”

>>> “That’s very nice dear, but what if I couldn’t find you? You might get hurt, or worse!”

>>> “Mmmm... yeah, I guess... there were lots of scary snacks that tried to grill me until the one I was playing with told them off.”

>>> “See, how many times do you need to be told ‘not to play with your food’? Honestly!”

>>> “But the snack got me even more snacks to eat! 10/10 would snack again!”

We stand in silence for a good long while.

I really was nearly eaten…

Some toddler’s toy and afternoon snack all rolled into one while they'd wandered off from their mother at a grocery store… or solar system in this case.

Should have just let everyone turn it into calamari.

Barbeques and beach go hand in hand after all.

Instead the whole retreat got cut short… what with the hotel basically being destroyed.

Actually, it probably would have been the whole planet destroyed if we did butcher the baby squid, even if they did nearly deserve it. Although I guess they balanced the books a bit by 'borrowing' all those bikinis.

Hmm, I only got to see Meganie in one of the swimsuits I prepared for her though… damnit!

Janus breaks the silence, “And you learned to deal with deep space kraken where?” He fidgets with something while I flounder for a moment.

“Couple of places,” my mouth runs ahead of me, so I need a second for my brain to catch up and get specific, “At an aquarium as a feeder, I learned all sorts of marine life behaviours, and at a kindergarten... basically the same thing, terrifying parents included.”

After a long pause – that I interpret as disbelief, though must have been deliberation – the Head of Recruitment passes his verdict. “Your talents and experience is being wasted in Sock Duty.”

Is that a promotion? I thought I was being kept there for safety reasons?

“In light of the incident, it would be suspicious if we didn’t reward you or make use of your skills more broadly...” Janus turns his back, rubbing the bridge of his nose, and searches the for a glass, “therefore, effective immediately, you will be transferred to Animal Control.”

Before I can voice my concerns, Meganie abruptly interjects, “You can’t take...” then recedes into herself, like a solitary wave upon the shore.

Janus looks over his shoulder, confused, as he pours himself something blue, “That is an order to you both.” We are ushered out of the cupboard and I catch a glimpse of him doing shots of bleach as the door closes.

He really needs a better hobby!

* * *

Turns out Meganie’s coordination of the ground efforts with a jury-rigged desktop was exemplary.

She even wiped the hotel's systems so thoroughly afterwards it not only left no trace of our being there, but she threw in a little optimisation of their network, so everything runs about 10-20% more efficiently now.

Call it a client commendation. Their compliments to the chef. Well, IT specialist.

Standing around for so long in our beachwear, even at the receiving end of a reprimand by a Department Head, I couldn’t help thieving glances at Meganie throughout... again.

God I did good putting her in something classic. She looks perfect!

It’s a shame the vacation is cut short. The resort having to claim on insurance for major renovations, even after the Returns Agency did what it could.

Once back at base, we kind of float around in a daze.

We change. We pack. We tidy.

Preparing to say goodbye to Sock Duty.

On the way out I notice a sign mostly obscured by one of Meganie’s many machines.

“Lost Property...” I scoff at only just learning the department’s real name as I’m leaving it, “...fitting.”

Fitting for both of us.

Meganie has what looks like a fridge freezer strapped to her back and her arms are no less overladen.

I think she’s done well pairing back how much lab equipment she’s stealing, even though I’m sure they wouldn’t be against us coming back to use the facilities whenever. Or, y'know, having a lab of their own in our new department.

While she frets over whether she really has taken everything she cannot work without – including very little clothing and less personal affects than I thought she had – I slip the sign out from it’s hiding place, give it a quick wipe down, and affix it above the door as we leave.

Two lost borderline-civilians fumbling about with what limited property they have, just trying to find somewhere to belong.

Animal Control is not it.

Honestly, it's surprisingly bustling.

Turns out a lot of non-humanoid creatures get isekai’d.

A large proportion of those, unsurprisingly, are cats.

And, even the greatest heroes of every when and where have a soft spot for missing pets, so it can be competitive getting assigned here.

Thankfully, with Recruitment and Human Resources signing our transfer papers, Meganie and I get bumped up one division to the second safest, and definitely most popular, department in the entire Returns Agency.

We’re shown to our bunks to drop off our luggage, which are somehow smaller than in Sock Duty – I mean, Lost Property – then loop back round to the main office to be assigned desks, for now at least.

For an inter-dimensional organisation with effectively unlimited resources, they really suck at balancing the books sometimes.

Though technically under funded, so we had to take creative license on reusing old wardrobe across multiple eras and timelines for example, it never felt like we lacked for anything in our previous department. Animal Control, very quickly, shows its true stripes. So strapped for cash, everything has a requisition form attached to it, and everywhere is a touch too cramped.

“Sorry.” I bump the back of my chair against the person behind me as I try to sit down.

“Sorry.” I bump my elbow against the person beside me as I try to fill out some paperwork.

“Sorry.” I bump my foot against the person in front of me as I try to get comfortable at such a pathetically small desk.

It’s like going into a middle-school classroom as an adult. Everything looks almost the right size. Not shrunk down to impractical levels like in elementary-school. It’s just enough to look fine but feel wrong when you use it. Saving an inch here and there, but causing unquantifiable discomfort and frustration.

I look up and crane my neck over the sea of hunched bodies to check in with Meganie.

We’re a whole swath of the room apart, like a swimming pool’s length, but I can pick my work-wife out in any crowd. That and she’s already set up a small fortification of devices at her work station, one of only a few desks with any clutter other than papers and maybe a laptop or tablet.

“Hey...” she mouths sympathetically, “you OK?”

Smiling to put her at ease, I mime, “Hot desk!” back across the room.

Meganie checks her work station, touches her forehead, and shrugs back at me.

Ping!

A notification comes up on my small monitor.

“Hot desk?”

She’s good at reading lips I’ll give her that.

I explain in my response that, because they do not have enough space for the amount of staff in the department, those out in the field don’t have a permanent desk assigned to them, so the Returners in the office that day can just sit and work wherever.

The dawning realisation on her face is priceless.

She stares at the mountain of tech piled up around her that she will have to de- and re-construct every day all over the aircraft hanger of an office.

As Meganie’s soul visibly leaves her body, and I suppress a laugh for the sake of professionalism, I can feel the piercing gaze of a predator slice through me.

Have I made enemies already for bantering with a friend?!.