Old Feelings and New Friends

I flung myself awake with a start, my racing heart threatening to burst from my chest at any moment. Inhaling a deep, shaking breath, I failed to hold it longer than a second as a painful whimper escaped my lips. With a clenched jaw, I rolled to the side of the bed I rested in, pulling myself into a fetal position as my quaking body refused to calm.

Fug. Fug. Fug. My mind raced wildly. Fug, I-I'm useless. Trash. Less than trash. I'm weak. So weak. Useless. Weak. Weak. Man. A weak boy. A child.

Tears flowed from my eyes as I choked back audible sobs. The memory hung in my consciousness like a stain, so painful and scarring that it left me wanting a quiet end. I longed for nothing more than to disappear without a trace. To be dragged to the bottom of the dungeon I dove into and forgotten. Maybe then, no one would be able to see me crying, nor could they hear the pain as it escaped my lips. 

The world began to blur as I forgot to breathe and, for a brief moment, I wondered if I even wanted to. Or whether I could suffocate myself and be free of the pain. But then, I thought of them, the triop that I was travelling with, and I realized that this was not that world. My mother—Tahvin's mother—was not here. So, grabbing at my chest, I tried to breathe once more. Tried to forget the permanent scar that had been revealed as the water level lowered in the mental dam. And, as I fought back against my trembling body, I raised shaky hands to my face, where I wiped the tears that had been draining from my eyes.

I-I am not weak. I tried to remind myself. I fought a chimera, a bandit boss, crocmaws...

With heavy breaths, I slowly retook control of my racing heart and regained a semblance of composure. The world began to come alive with sound as the thudding in my ears quieted, revealing the distant crackling fire and the hushed conversation between Aesandoral and Rionriv. I listened to them talk, enjoying the sound of their voices as it soothed my troubled psyche. It was only once I had briefly forgotten the memory altogether that my heart sank as I wondered where Sharzin’s voice was.

Finally, wiping the last of the tears from my face, I pushed myself up from the furs I rested against. Instantly, the mound shifted, and a head raised to look at me. I had not been sleeping in a bed as I originally thought, but instead against one of the wolves, who quickly nuzzled its snout to my face. It licked my cheek for a minute as I gently rubbed its chin in return.

“Thanks…pup,” I spoke hoarsely, patting the beast as I stood. “Where’s your pal, huh?”

Beyond my room, the voices of Aesandoral and Rionriv quieted before I overheard the shuffling of bodies. I quickly stood from the wolf to greet the approaching sound of footsteps. Exiting the small closet that I had been placed in, I stepped into a run-down space that resembled a sizable guardhouse.

Did they really carry me all the way to the checkpoint?

“Iz!” Rionriv and Aesandoral cried out as I emerged.

I watched as they both quickly rushed forward, the second wolf in gleeful pursuit of them. Aesandoral, running faster than her sister, reached out before locking her arms around me in a passionate embrace. The elf squeezed tightly at my shoulders and, cradling my head in her hands, released a deep sigh of relief. I could feel the gentle droplets of tears splashing against my head as she pulled my face into her chest.

What normally would have been a tender experience, bringing me a moment of lecherous joy before the dam threatened to burst, was no longer the same. Instead, I was suddenly stricken with a pang of anxiety. The source of the trauma revealed, I couldn't help but fear the public display of affection. As a result, my heart raced, not with excitement but overwhelming fear. A fear that shook me more than any combat experience I had shared with the triop. And then, with the dream still fresh in my mind, my mother’s words came to me, poisoning my thoughts and ruining the moment.

Instinctively, I flinched at her embrace, terrified of how the rest of the triop would respond to the affection. Then, with a panicked shove, I wrenched myself away before stepping back from the two. Grabbing at my chest, I held a hand out to her, doing my best to keep her away for the time being.

"Iz?" Aesandoral whispered, hurt and confusion tainting her usually loving voice.

Fugging—it’s just a dream. I tried to think, but my mother's words continued bouncing around my mind like a pinball. It’s over. There’s no…she can’t—I-I'm not him! I'm not Tahvin anymore.

Becoming quiet, Aesandoral took a step back from me as her shame-ridden face looked down at her feet.

“We-we were worried.” She whispered shyly, diverting her gaze for a moment before glancing at me with a nervous look.

Damn it! I hurt, Aes! I cursed myself as I ran a hand through my hair and tried to move onto a different topic. Goddamn mommy issues, fug off! You're not helping anyone!

“H-How long was I out?” I asked, pushing the dream from my thoughts and shaking my head to clear the memory.

“It’s been about a day,” Rionriv answered as she approached, inspecting me with the familiar, investigative look of hers. "Maybe two."

The sorceress eyed me closely, her gaze narrowing as she took me in from head to toe. Crossing her arms before continuing, she stood up straight and puffed out her chest.

“But don’t expect the same affectionate display from me." The sorceress huffed, her face scrunching to a pout. "After all, you put us behind schedule with your need to nap.”

She continued to look at me through a single eye for a moment, after which her expression softened as she, too, seemed to find a bit of relief.

“Regardless of your need to sleep in, I’m glad you’re okay, Ishara. You definitely worried us when you wouldn’t wake up after we administered the potion.”

Glancing between the two of them, I ignored the fact that I had been in a brief coma in the middle of our dungeon dive. After all, my wish to be a meat shield in this life, putting myself in dangerous situations on behalf of my team, now made more sense to me, considering that since high school I'd yearned for my end. And even in a new world where I lacked all the memories of that past life, I still couldn't help but find it a rush every time I treaded that thin line of life and death. 

With a shake of my head, I chose to ignore the sad realization about myself and instead jumped to the next most important topic.

“What about Sharzin?”

Immediately, Rionriv and Aesandoral’s faces scrunched as they looked away from me. My heart sank, and sadness began to set in. At a glance, it seemed that my concoction had failed and that our rogue had succumbed to the crocmaw ptoxin. But, before I could ask anything more, I noticed a quickly approaching threat from over the shoulders of my allies.

“Cave bear!” I cried out as I pushed past the two of them.

What’s a bear doing here? They must have missed it on their final sweep since it wasn’t in the initial plans. I’ll take care of it. I’m not weak! I-I can solo this!

I raised a fist to strike, but froze as a squeaky voice cried out to me.

“No! Iz, don’t!”

Sharzin dashed in from the darkness with her arms wide, where she stood between the yearling dire bear and me as bloody tears welled in her eyes. 

“His name is Sharmin." The groundling cried out. "Don't hurt him! He’s my cuddly bear.”

Wait, Sharzin? Why is she defending the bear? And why was it letting her?

Frozen, I stared as the halted beast nuzzled its nose into her hip. Like a terrified cub rubbing against its mama, the already sizable bear appeared to be afraid of me. Confused, I shot a look back at Aesandoral, who quickly glanced away.

Oh. I understand now…

“No,” I said bluntly. “No, bear. Two wolves are enough.”

“I want a bear!” Sharzin cried loudly as bloody tears streamed from her eyes. “I almost dieeeeed. I named him. I love him! He’s my trauma buddy bear!”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes for a moment, trying to piece together everything currently happening. At a glance, it seemed that while I had been having a night terror of a past life, Sharzin was getting a trauma bear. And not the build-a-kind.

“Ugh!” I growled.

Moving forward, I gripped her shoulder and looked back to Aesandoral. With a clearing of my throat, I delivered a stern order.

“Okay, just because I'm happy you're alive. So you both can keep the wolves and the bear. But no more pets, you two! Understand?”

“Deal!” Aesandoral and Sharzin replied excitedly as they cuddled their respective creatures.

“Fuggin’—" I grumbled to myself as I began my march towards the campfire where I could see food cooking. "Of course we’d be the only party in history that'd return from a dangerous dungeon dive with more members than we started."

Shaking my head and sighing, I looked back at the three who now glanced at me expectantly. “So, can anyone tell me what else I missed?”