Broken Strings — Himari

I couldn’t stop. Tears kept coming.

I was so close to saving her…

Why…

Why?

I glowered at Jianyun with bloodshot eyes. “Why did you let her die?” I grabbed his collar, “What is wrong with you?”

I screamed and pounded my fists on him.

All of my emotions erupted at once, tripping over each other, as they tumbled out of the compressed jar.

“Tell me. Why would you do such a thing?” I landed a smack across his face. “Why can’t you take her with you?”

Jianyun was grief-struck too, his face like a canvas, drawn with shock and despair. His handsome face was now imprinted with a red mark, and it didn’t take long for tears to flow.

“I had wanted to save her.” He sounded like a petrified child, defending himself from his parents’ scolding. “We found her—dead. She was already gone.”

“Huh.” I scoffed. But deep inside, I knew he was right. Yulan had already left this world long before they came. But that doesn't mean I’ll give up on her. I won't accept her death. I had a chance. “It was you who left her. She was a hero of our party. No, she was THE hero of our party. And she deserves such an ending?”

The room was quiet. My breaths echoed through the room.

“I–” A small flame ignited in his eyes. His voice shattered. “I tried.”

“You didn’t!” I clung to Jianyun’s shirt and threw another punch. “I hope the guilt eats you alive!”

“If you’re so insistent on saving Yulan, why don’t you do it yourself?” Jianyun’s voice got louder and louder, like tiny waves gathering together, turning into a disastrous tsunami. “You think I wanted this? You think I wanted her to die?”

With one shove, he pushed me to the ground. “We didn’t know it was Yulan. All we saw was a corpse—a lifeless body. And you expect me to save her? If you were stronger, if you could protect her, she wouldn’t have died in the first place. Yes, the guilt is eating me alive, but that’s all because you blame me.”

His gaze was cold, stinging with hatred and rejection. “Admit it. You had a part in causing her death.”

Suffocating.

The truth is suffocating.

No, it can’t be. “I could’ve saved her,” I yelled desperately. “If you had not left her to die.”

“She was dead. She was already dead. There’s no way she could be saved.” From his tone, I could tell he’s rejecting the truth, too. He didn’t want to take his share of the blame.

If only I were stronger. If only I could protect myself. Then Yulan wouldn’t have to die. No, if Jianyun had saved Yulan, Meilin would’ve been able to heal her. It’s all that scum’s fault. Ever since he joined the party, everything has gone downhill. It’s all his fault. All his fault!

“Meilin should’ve left you at Fleuve after all.”

Huh?

His voice was cold and serious. Not a hint of sarcasm was displayed. What did he mean? Leave me at Fleuve?

“Meilin.” I turned to Meilin, who was paralyzed from the waist down due to the recoil of the spell. “What does he mean?”

She was looking down in denial. Sweat dripped off her face, and she shrank into the size of a pitiful mouse. Her gaze betrayed her actions, glaring at Jianyun as if she faced her greatest betrayal. “That's not important—”

“Not important? He said you had wanted to leave me. Is that right?”

“I-I…” Stammering. How adorable. I’ve admired you for so long, Meilin. I thought you’d be the one who’ll stand with me. I thought you were my friend. “I thought you’d like it back in the Kingdom. You were so happy there.”

“And?”

“T-that’s it.”

“Haruki was happy too. Ms Yulan was happy too. Jianyun was happy too! Why is it just me? Why not him?” My fists curled in anger, but my smile remained.

My emotions were crushing me down after I had hidden them away all these years. The fear of rejection, the fear of loneliness, locked in a pretty box, thrown away. Turns out it didn’t matter. No matter how much I pretended. No matter how much I’ve tried to fit in. You still won’t choose me, huh, Meilin?

“I…I thought…” Her gaze kept shifting between Jianyun and me; she looked so very terrified.

“Is it because he’s prettier than me?” My reflection shone on a puddle of blood: small lips, big nose, thin brows, uneven skin, and freckles. “I liked you, Meilin. Yet you chose Jianyun over me. Is a pretty face really everything? Is an ugly appearance to be disposed of?”

“That’s not it, trust me—”

“How am I supposed to trust you? You wanted to leave me. You sent me away to meet the Queen, despite being aware of the risks. Turns out it was just a convenient way to get rid of me.” I had no energy to fight back. My voice turned quiet, but the calmness was eerie, as the words echoed around the cave, as if fate meant for us to be separated, as if the string keeping our bond had snapped.

It hurt. It hurt so much. Confronting Meilin hurt. Looking at how miserable she was, hurt. I just wanted to know why she was always like this to me. Why does everyone treat me this way? I acted along, I did what was considered likable. But in the end, I’m always pushed away. Never the one they’d choose.

“All the time, whenever you’d want me to do something for you, you’d pressure me into doing it.” My heart ached, but I knew once I lashed out, there was no going back. I was going to finish this. “I never wanted to do the things you ordered me to. But you made it seem like it’s my duty as your friend. I wondered, why not him?” I pointed at Jianyun again. “I suppose it’s because I’m just a pawn to you."

Meilin said nothing.

“Meanwhile, you’re everything to me, Meilin. I like you so, so much.” But in the end, no matter how much love I gave, I’m just an ugly tool to her, which can be disposed of at any time.

“And you’re right, Jianyun. I do hold part of the blame for Ms Yulan’s death. I blamed you just because you stole Meilin from me. I never liked you.” From the moment you took away Meilin’s attention, I had hated you.

Ms Yulan’s death. Those words caused a lump in my throat. It felt unnatural to speak those words. Like I’m rejecting it.

“I’ve had enough.” Jianyun's enraged gaze was replaced with one of sorrow, and his voice was raspy from yelling. Those pretty lips were trembling, just like his fingers. “I should’ve stayed back in Tian Cheng from the start. Maybe she’d live if I didn’t come.” That last sentence came out as a whisper as he stormed away.

He only came with us because Ms Yulan asked.

Now that she’s…gone, there’s no reason for him to stay.

What about me?

I’m now faced with the person I once loved, once admired, once trusted. But all that had shattered into pieces in a matter of seconds. With the person I consider my mother gone as well, there was no reason, no place, for me to remain.

“I’m going too, Meilin.”

“Wait, Himari…”

“Don’t stop me. This decision is mine to make. Goodbye.”

I stepped into the passage Jianyun didn’t take. There was a throbbing pain in my heart as I looked back one last time to glance at Meilin. My lips quavered, as if wanting to say something, but I looked ahead and pressed Ms Yulan's hairpin to my lips.

I’m sure she’d want me to decide for myself too…

Bye-bye, Ms Yulan.