Mop Mayhem

I half expect to find the place entirely flooded like a certain cartoon, but find myself pleasantly relieved. Instead, I enter the lobby of the magic shop to find mini mop man smashing vials and potions against the wood floor. Glass shards scatter everywhere. Then, as soon as the mess is made, he cleans it up. Rinse. Recycle. Repeat.

“What are you doing?!” I shout to my little junior in disbelief.

“You didn’t give me any instructions on what to do next.” the mop says back.

“Oh sorry…”

Wait a minute… the mop SAYS BACK?!

“Oh my God, YOU CAN TALK!?”

The mini mop man seems to have grown little eyespots at the top of his handle. I don’t see a mouth yet, but he definitely just spoke to me! Where did those words even come from without lips?

“Yeah I can talk! There’s no work left for me to do here. I need to speak to your manager.” The mini mop man voices with impatience. His fists placed in defiance at the top of his yarn bristles make him look like he’s sassily placing his hands on his hips.

“Wait wait wait! The shopkeeper is out right now, but I know for a fact he wouldn’t want you trashing the place!” I say with concern.

“Ugh, but I’m boooored June!” The mop replies wearily.

Wow this little guy is saucy. Apparently, he’s entered his angsty teen phase. I really don’t care for his tone. Is this what I sound like to my mom? Whatever, I just need to find something to distract him. Keep him busy!

“Well we can always do some reorganizing! How about we work on sorting the staffs?”

“Already done! Arranged by size and type of wood Miss June!” Mini Mop Man responds swiftly. This may be harder than I thought.

“Okay then, crystals?”

“Color-coded.”

“Scrolls?”

“Chronological order.”

“Spellbooks?”

“Do you even need to ask? Dewey decimal system of course!”

This little guy is just as smart as me now, maybe even smarter! I gotta admit he is starting to freak me out. Oh God, my job is about to be replaced by AI!! Unless, I can think of something. Besides, if this little guy is bored, he might just wreck the shop for fun. We have to talk him out of it June!

“Well the shopkeeper worked really hard to stock up on all these rare magic items, even going out of town to make business trades. So, we can’t destroy his things.”

“No… Ooh! Then what if we employ his things!” The little mop man says with excitement.

I don’t follow, but I have a feeling this guy is more sinister than he lets on. He reaches out his grubby little hands and gestures to the forbidden spellbook in my hands. Oh no, he wants to create more animate objects like him!

Instinctually I open the spellbook and start flipping through the pages to find the animate objects spell, hoping to find a way to reverse it. I don’t want to do this, but he left me no choice. I’m sorry mini mop man. I didn’t raise you right, you’re starting to grow mad with power! Just as I start to chant the words, the dastardly wet broom jumps up and snatches the spellbook from my hands.

Mini mop man looks at me with a sad expression and cries out in fear, “You tried to kill me!”

“Aah I’m sorry! I didn’t know how alive you were!!” I plead innocent.

“Well pretty soon you’re going to be very unalive!”

Oh God. That was the creepiest, most threatening thing I have ever heard. And it came out of a fricking mop! The mini man starts to recite from the spellbook and gradually, items from the shelves start to pop down growing arms and legs. The carpet, chairs, cabinets, it didn’t matter! This guy was raising a whole army!

“Now then human… die!” He says ripping the employee of the month badge from his chest tossing it to the floor in seething hatred.

So, I did the only sensible thing I could think of at the moment. I ran to the office in the back and locked myself in to cry. I seriously screwed up! The shopkeeper is for sure going to kill me. That is, if mini mop man doesn’t get to me first.

My ears perk up and I hear the bell at the front door. Oh no, is the shopkeeper back already?! Thankfully, based on what the animate objects say next, it’s just a customer. Granted, a probably terrified customer.

“Hi welcome!” shouts the mini mop man.

Then a bunch of other objects chime in all with their unique voices.

“Welcome!”

“Can I help you find anything?”

“Looking for a gift for that special someone?”

“If you need anything just let me know!”

Oh no. I can only imagine all the living furniture he’s created to work in the shop. If I don’t die here, I’m in so much trouble!

“Hiya June... uh? Are you back there??”

That’s Azuki’s voice!

“Azuki! Thank God you’re here. I never thought I’d be happy to hear your voice.” I shout out to her from behind the office door. It’s tough to hear, but I can make out some of her words.

“Yeah? …And I’m glad I don’t have to see your face.”

I heard that.

Azuki continues, “Y’know when I told the shopkeeper he needed to liven the place up a little, this wasn’t exactly what I meant.”

She is surprisingly sarcastic for someone who just walked into a room with crazed furniture.

“Azuki, can you help me?”

“Uh yeah I guess… but I don’t really want to.”

What a jerk.

DING. The sound of the enchanted register on the counter goes off. This means a sale was completed. Wait, did Azuki buy something!?

“Azuki did you BUY something?!” I shout with incredulity.

“Yeah. What can I say, this mop man is very charismatic.” Azuki says with a wink. “I bought a few items. The not living ones. Full price too. You should get this guy a promotion, he’s an incredible salesman.”

“Azuki please help me…” I plead behind the office door.

“Aww that was cute. Fine, I’ll help. Do you see that desk you’re cowering under right now?” Azuki asks.

Hardy har. Oh. She’s not wrong though. I am curled up underneath this desk like a frightened infant. Damn it!

“In the top drawer there’s a rock. It’s called a resonance stone. You can use it to call the store manager.”

Oh yeah! He did mention something about that earlier. Hopefully I’ll be able to get in contact with him soon. Oh God, but I don’t want him to walk in on yet another mess that I made. Frick! Wait, what was that? I think the bell rang at the front door.

“Azuki! ARE YOU LEAVING ME?!”

“Well yeah. I don’t want to get on Mr. Mop’s bad side. If I do, he might want to kill me just like how he wants to kill you.” Azuki gets quiet for a moment. “Anyways, the boss will be here soon if you call him. See ya June!”

I pull the magical resonance stone out of the drawer and hold it tightly to activate. A spectral image of the shopkeeper appears above the rock. Oh boy, what do I tell him?

“Alright… what happened?”

Damn it he’s already on to me. Well, time to admit the truth, June. If you don’t, it will come back to bite you later.

“Oh just a little accidental remodeling of the place. Again…” It doesn’t take much for me to break. A couple seconds of awkward silence and the truth comes flooding out of me like a hurricane.

“Okay, I’m so sorry! I opened the forbidden spellbook you totally told me not to touch to summon a magic mop man who now wants to kill me. He said he’d like to speak to the manager like a Karen so I tried to reverse the spell, but he took the spellbook and now there’s a whole army of rogue furniture in the shop!”

“...”

The spectral shopkeeper heaves a gentle sigh.

“I’m coming over…”

He’s surprisingly relaxed about the whole thing, but that’s the part that sucks. He’s nice despite his grumpy appearance and now I feel horrible for letting him down! I need to make it up to him as soon as I get out of here. Although, I have a feeling that won’t be any time soon.

**********************************************************************************************

I stay locked in the office for what feels like an eternity. The animated objects lead by their moppy messiah occasionally try to break down the door, but the lock won’t budge. Thank you super durable locking mechanisms.

Then the front door bell rings once more! Yay it’s the shopkeeper! Oh no… it’s the shopkeeper.

I am instantly filled with dread as I brace for the impending stern lecture of doom that’s sure to happen once these objects get destroyed. In the meantime, I’ll cheer him on from the office. God, I feel like a prisoner awaiting my sentence.

I sit back in the office listening to everything unfold. The mop and other miscellaneous pieces of furniture start to demand from the shopkeeper benefits like workers’ comp, dental, and paid maternity leave. I am so confused.

It sounds like the shopkeeper refused to negotiate so instead of staging a strike like most unions, the animate objects decided to stage a mutiny.

I hear a flurry of blows exchanged on the shop floor. The sounds of smashed wood and glass products ring in my ears, but as I listen, I realize there must be at least one other person fighting alongside the shopkeeper. While the owner moves with big loud lumbering steps, this second fighter is much more nimble. He begins to speak.

“Frank, where is June?” the voice asks.

Is that Spector’s voice?! And is Frank the name of the shopkeeper? That’s funny. Frank was the name of the convenience store owner I used to visit in the real world all the time! The good ol’ 8-twelve. Wait a minute… is that HIM??

I unlock the office door and peek my head outside to watch the fight from behind the coin register. There’s Spector slashing at a carpet with a small dagger and behind him is “Frank” smashing a wooden chair over his knee. Between strikes I see an image cross my mind revealing the orc’s true form. A middle aged man with a scruffy beard and spectacles. His body, less muscly and more teddy bear-like. He wears a deep green uniform with an apron over the top and a nametag. It reads “FRANK”.

“Frank, is that you?!” I shout out from behind the register.

“Yeah?” He looks behind his shoulder confused as he wrestles an angry cabinet.

“It’s me June! I used to visit your convenience store in the real world all the time!!”

His expression softens. “Oh June…. June! From the real world, it’s good to see you kiddo! You still owe me $5.65 for that bag of chips I gave you the other day.”

“I thought that was on the house!” I protest.

He lets out a big belly laugh. Oh he was just messing with me. Classic Frank.

“Listen June. While Spector and I fight off the furniture, can you reverse the spell from that book? I want to damage as little as possible from the store. Otherwise we might not recover financially.”

Oh shoot this is serious. I look around the room and try to find the forbidden spellbook. It’s still in the clutches of that evil mop. I have to pry it out of his grimy little hands somehow. I think I have just the idea.

“HEY!” I shout to get his attention. He snaps into place looking at my hands in fear. That’s right mini mop man. Be afraid! I have your precious employee of the month badge, because deep down I know you still care!!

“Give that back, it’s mine!” The mop jumps into the air trying to reach my hands. I dangle the badge above him like one of those cat toys with a feather on the end of a stick. It’s no use, I’m taller. Something I unfortunately don’t typically get to say.

The mop man drops the heavy spellbook to the ground to help him jump higher. Yes, this is my chance! I yeet the employee of the month badge as far as I can out the front door. Hopefully that buys me enough time.

I pick up the spellbook and a wizard staff and start to read the incantation. The mop man approaches in fear trying to stop me, but it’s too late. The spell is complete. About half of the furniture was destroyed by the two guys, but everything else still assembled poofed back into inanimate objects.

I know Frank still wants to keep these items since it’s cost-effective, but having things that used to talk and breathe in my store would probably freak me out. Too bad resale shops like Goodfill aren’t popular in this time period yet. Then Frank could restock the shop for cheap. Oh well.

Frank thanks Spector for his help. It sounds like Azuki asked Spector to come to my aid. At least she did one helpful thing. He turns to leave with his cloak swooshing behind him dramatically.

“...Stay out of trouble June.” Spector says coolly. Then with his mission accomplished, he vanishes into the night as a flurry of ghost-like moths.

I turn to Frank. He’s a little worn out from the fight, but overall he doesn’t look too bad. I’m so glad to run into someone I know from the real world! I have so many questions to ask!!

“How come you didn’t recognize me earlier Frank? I don’t exactly look too different from my form back in the real world.”

Frank begins to speak in his characteristically low voice. “To be honest, I’ve been stuck here for years, and I didn’t think any of the isekais would be people I knew. Not to mention I can’t see sh- …anything without my glasses.”

Nice save Frank. He’s sweet for trying to protect me, but he can curse in front of me if he needs to. Heaven knows I’ve heard WAY worse at school.

“If you’ve been here for so long, how come you didn’t look for a pair of glasses for yourself?”

“Well there aren’t exactly Clerksen Eyecare stores around this place to walk into. And I don’t really want to trouble anyone with making something like that. I get around fine as is.”

He says this as he immediately bumps into the counter right in front of him. Oh the irony. Seriously he better get a glassblower to make some spectacles for him.

“It's good to see you kiddo, but what the heck are you doing in a place like this?” Frank asks.

“I was at school at my club and I fell asleep and before I knew it I got sucked into the book I was reading. Literally.”

“Huh.”

He’s usually not the ‘huh’ type. I wonder what has him so inquisitive? I’ve got to push him further on this one.

“Huh what?” I ask.

“Well I sorta had a theory that only people who needed this place got isekai’d here. A lot of the folks here are unfulfilled in the real world to say the least. What could you possibly need June bug?”

Oh I didn’t expect my inquiring to fall back on me. Dang it, that's what I get for asking! But at the same time, maybe I should be honest with him? I visit that old convenience store all the time. He listened to me talk about homework, trouble at home, and even a crush of mine that didn’t end so well. He’s like a dad to me.

Here I go. “I don’t know if I need anything, but… it's just no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm never good enough. Both in the real world and this one. Or maybe now I just don't have the guts to try anymore because… I've already given up.”

Ugh I probably sound pathetic.

“June. Don’t give up on yourself. Stay in school for now until you’ve figured out what you want to do in life. You’re too young not to believe that things will get better. If you need anything please reach out to me. I’m not the best tutor or life coach, but I’ll try my best. I want to see you make it out alright kiddo.”

“Thank you…” I don’t know what to say. I never knew just how gentle he could be. From what I know he never had kids, but he sure would make a great dad. We sat in silence for a little bit, but there’s a question that keeps nagging at my brain that I just have to know the answer to.

“So what about you?”

“What about me?” He asks, trying to brush off what he imagines will come next.

“You said you have a theory that everyone stuck here has some sorta problem in the real world they need to work out. So… what’s troubling you?”

I find a cloth and start wiping the front counter pretending to be a bartender. I’ve never been to a bar, but I hear they’re pretty good at listening to people’s troubles.

He laughs. “Nothing really.”

“Really? Come on, you know better than to lie to your most loyal customers. Why are you here Frank?”

He hesitates to give an answer. I feel a little guilty for prying, but I want to know so badly. This guy has been the highlight of many my days heading to and from school, the least I can do is learn a bit about him. But alas, just like many of the orc characters in Emperor of the Lantern, he is typically a man of few words.

“I…” he starts in his low husky voice. Aww I’m so happy he’s sharing! Oh play it cool June, he may take it all back if you overreact.

“This may come as a surprise to you June, but I never dreamed about running a convenience store.”

“Aww, but you're so good at it though! And all your employees look up to you.”

“Thanks June bug.” He responds earnestly. “But when I was your age, I wanted to be a musician.”

“Oooh what did you play?”

“Saxophone.”

Oh. My. God. Imagining this man crooning on a saxophone brings me so much joy. He says his response with so much sadness though. Music clearly meant a lot to him.

“So what happened?” I ask.

“Well I kept working at it in high school, but I was never able to get a scholarship for music. I guess the other kids' talents shined brighter than mine. So, I couldn't afford to go to that fancy college. I worked at the 8-twelve hoping I'd have enough money to get started and then maybe I could take out a loan. But at the end of the day, giving up felt easier for me. I quit my day dream for a day job…”

That’s horrible. No one should have to lose out on a dream because they can’t afford it. I’m sure by the time he was able to get the money, he felt that it was too late. But… it’s never too late! Right?

“I’m sorry that happened to you. When we go back to the real world we’ll work on getting you into clubs and stuff so you can perform. If it’s your dream, you can’t give up on it!”

“June, it’s alright. This may not have been the path I wanted to travel at first, but I’m glad I did. I met a lot of people in my years that I wouldn't have otherwise." He looks at me for that part which makes my heart feel all warm and fuzzy. “Being a manager does have its perks. I was able to afford a nice home, nothing too crazy, but nice.”

I guess he’s kinda happy. But I really want him to be his happiest. If saxophone is his passion, he shouldn’t let it go. Maybe it won’t revolve around his life entirely how he expected it to, but it should still be a part of it.

“Well, when we get back to the real world, will you promise to play for me?”

“You drive a hard bargain kiddo,” he says as he sticks his hand out for a shake. “You’ve got yourself a deal, but only if you stay in school. I’m not letting YOU give up on yourself.”

I guess I was being a hypocrite talking about giving up on things wasn’t I? The only thing is, I don’t know what my passion is unlike Frank did. Hopefully I have time to figure that out. In the meantime I’ll gladly take the next few months I spend trapped in Tauwren as an opportunity for character growth. Surely my arch has to come at some point right?

“You know,” Frank begins to speak again. “That spell you used from the book is a bit tough to cast. You really came in handy with that magic staff you used.”

“No, I just got lucky is all.” I say modestly. I mean really, all I did was read words.

“No, I'm serious. Keep working at it and you might be really talented at this wizard stuff here. But in the future, please don’t destroy the shop again.”

“I won’t and I am so sorry.” I really need to stop screwing up around this guy.

“You don’t need to apologize ‘cause I know it won’t happen again. While you’re here, keep working on your magic if you’d like.”

“But Maddie won’t tutor me anymore for good reason and I don’t have my own-”

Frank picks up the staff I was using in the fight and hands it over to me. “Here it’s on the house.”

I hold the beautifully ornate staff in my hands. In its twisted oak branches are dazzling blue sapphires scattered throughout. It’s relatively light with just enough weight to whack a monster in combat if need be. It feels amazing, it looks amazing, hell, it even smells amazing! But wait… I can’t accept this.

While I smile at the kind gesture I can’t take it from him, at least not for free. Not after destroying his shop. Twice.

“No, you can take it out of my paycheck.”

He laughs. “Y’know, at this rate you’ll be working at this place forever if you keep racking up damages.”

“Then I better work hard while I’m here.” Oh and hey, if I don’t make it up to you in this world, I’ll work at the convenience store to help you back out in the old one.”

“Sounds good,” he says with a smirk. "Have a good night June.”

He flips the sign out front to “closed” and waves me off as I head back to the inn I’m staying at. He’s done so much for me already, I have to repay him. Although, it’s gonna take a heck of a long time before I’m able to do that. In fact, if my math is right (although let’s be real here math was never my best subject) I should make enough coin to pay him back in about 30 years. Great. I’m gonna need a side hustle… And fast.