Arrogant Love

I remember he asked me a question once, “Even if the whole world rejected you, would you still be able endlessly help them?” I remember his reaction to my answer, he was confused and thought I had a reason or some kind of just goal in mind. “Why would you go that far? After what happened, you still wish to help them?” The truth was even more boring than if I had a self-righteous reason or some childish fantasy of wanting to be a hero. In reality, I have no reason…yet “Why?”. Not even he would be able to remember, after all, he wasn’t there. he had selfishly disappeared on his own after trapping me in this never-ending nightmare for years, reliving my school life hundreds of times. I kept track of the number by recording it along with the laps I would do around the school during lunch, as if I was silently criticizing myself for taking no action against him. I answered his question, that was brimming with curiosity. Again, he was shocked by my answer. “How can you be so strong?” His voice was trembling, and he was crying in front of me. I could only laugh in response, “strong”, hearing him call me that I couldn’t help but laugh at his idiotic praise that felt like a convenient excuse to hide his anger for the world around me. No, that would be an exaggeration. His hatred was directed solely towards a single individual. However, because of his lack of experience, he ended up thinking that his hatred spread to every person alive.

I spoke up to him with a quiet voice, “See the world for yourself.”

I told him to do so, knowing he would attempt to find a way for me to leave as well. Kind, he was far too kind for his own good. I’m glad I made him leave on his own, by doing so he finally managed to escape his single-minded ideal of living his life for me. I, of course, would never allow such a thing to happen, purposefully giving him false hope of one day freeing me from the hell that I was in. However, to my surprise, he succeeded. I knew that fact and looked up at the vast sky above me. He was happy to have finally saved me.

He had fallen in love with a woman, Vale, and was living with her. Soon, I would begin living with them as well. Many things that I should have had questions about had happened in my life, yet I held no interest in anything. To me, the world around me was simply, boring.

Yet, for the first time in my life, I held a burning desire to know, to understand, and to experience. One question filled my mind: “Could I fall in love too?” To think that I could hold such an arrogant curiosity. I decided, then and there, to see for myself if I could.

A high school would be a suitable place to search for an answer, given both my age and the convenience of having a place for people to gather with possibilities of creating close bonds.

It was during my first year there, that I met her. I felt nothing towards her, and she too felt nothing for me. But…as time went on, I spent more and more time being with her, thinking about her, and experiencing things I had long thought would never be possible for me. It was during my last year there, on the last day, in the middle of the night that I thought something, something disgusting and vile.

“She seems good enough. I’ll let her fall in love with me.”

After being rejected by her, I quickly realized something.

“I loved her this whole time, didn’t I?”

Yet, instead of telling her properly, I told her in the worst way possible, almost as if I thought it would be a privilege for her to love me. I can’t take back what I did, no matter what, I can’t. I don’t even deserve these warm feelings that I coldly embraced.

Five days later, I died and woke up forgetting everything, in a new world that I was forced to stay alone in. It was the hell that I deserved for making her cry like that, that day.

He blinked a few times and sat back down in his seat.

“Mena?” Concerned, she got up and sat down in his lap of all places.

“I’m sorry.” Biting down on his lips in shame, shutting his trembling eyes to keep his tears from getting her sympathy. “I’m so sorry.” Opening his eyes to look at her confused expression, he hugged her. It was an uncomfortable position to be in, especially in class where anyone could see them.

“Please…please forgive me.”