I'm a Lawn Chair, So What?

Okay, where were we?

In the middle of introducing new char- people, their powers, and personalities and whatever else you’d need with them. It was taking pretty long, I wish there were SOME WAY to speed the process up *cough cough*

Is that sarcasm I hear? Okay, fine. Just this once you get a plot convenience.

Erina remembers some critical information, and rushes over to Chibafu to tell him.

“Chibafu! I realize that you might be able to use my power since we’re so close!” Erina excitedly yells out

“Since when were we close? Eh, whatever…what’s your power?”

Erina sits on Chibafu’s lap, to Elfana’s shock, then widens her eyes fully, with the help of her hands, to which a zap of lightning is emitted from the chair, striking Chibafu on the back rest.

“Ow!…what was that for?”

“Open your eyes and see!” Erina proclaims proudly, unaware of the current situation.

That being that Chibafu, as a lawn chair, does not possess any eyes.

“You realize that’s quite…impossible for furniture such as myself, right?”

Erina scratches her head for a moment, thinking, then shrugs it off.

“That’s really more of a metaphor, just believe you have eyes to open, and you’ll see…I think” she skeptically reassures Chibafu

Erina and Elfana look on in anticipation, as Chibafu starts to “believe he has eyes”

Chibafu’s inner world goes black, similar to a room going dark when switching a lightbulb.

“Okay, I can’t tell anything about my surroundings anymore ...now what?”

“Picture your own way of brightening an area-it doesn’t have to be a real thing- just something engraved in your mind so you won’t soon forget!” Erina shouts back, her voice echoing like she’s out of reach.

Okay, something to illuminate…something prominent….I got it!

Chibafu recalls a commercial in his old world for lights that turn on and off with the clap of the hands, and uses that as a trigger.

Chibafu’s mind re-creates the “clapping”, and the lights in his mind begin to run, showing more information about the things he’s seeing like abilities, weight, race, shoe size (for some weird reason), intent, and personality.

“Okay I think I got it!”

Chibafu re-acclimates to his environment, seeing everything in a “new light” so to speak.

“So…how does it feel?” Erina asks, Elfana curiously observing still.

As he switches his focus to the girls, their information emerges.

Erina Porani

Age: 20

Height: 145cm

Weight: Never ask a girl her weight

Abilitie(s): DesEYErable

Allows the user to share destined eyes with those they trust, giving them varying effects based on the receiver’s wishes

Relationship: In love with an inanimate object

Elfana Tia

Age: 340 (says she’s 230)

Height: 160cm

Weight: Don’t ask about it

Abilitie(s): Anything’s a sword

When the user is holding anything they intend to be a weapon or used as such, they gain immense strength, but when physical contact is lost the user is left in a vulnerable state.

Relationship: Somewhere between happy and healthy, if lawn chairs were able to be used as objects of ple-

I think it’s about time I stop reading these.

“They feel amazing! Thank you Erina, I truly appreciate you, and this gift you’ve given me”

Erina’s face turns red, her turning away to try and hide it, to no avail.

Chibafu looks back at the Bladed Party, and their statuses are revealed to him.

Yes, we’re doing this again just bare with me.

“Phoenix”

Age: 28

Gender:

Height: 155cm

Weight: 65kg

Ability: I know what you’re thinking

User can read another being’s thought waves, and come to a crucial realization of what they’re thinking

EXTRA: The high-pitched voice is not natural.

Marvin Falcon

Age: 26

Height: 189cm

Weight: 90kg

Ability: Cutting Ties

Can sever relationships between people and objects, or people and other people

EXTRA: Hates chairs. His mother died in a brutal accident where she was overweight and crushed a chair whilst going to sit down. Refuses to sit anywhere.

Wendell “Wed” Clotz

Age: 23

Height: 176cm

Weight: 70kg

Ability: Do you feel what I feel?

Can infused their emotions into any item or weapon of their choice, creating possibly devastating after effects

EXTRA: Loves his “little sister”. Like too much.

Blaine “Blizzle” Lastname

Age: 26

Height: 182cm

Weight: 89kg

Ability: Which one is it again?

Can summon 2 guns, one with healing properties and the other with damage output. Distinguishable by the symbol engraved on the handle

EXTRA: He’s been in so many failed marriages, everyone has genuinely forgotten his last name. Like how he forgets the method of telling his guns apart.

Arten Veldom

Age: 22

Height: 178cm

Weight: 80kg

Hair: Long as hell

Ability: Masterchef

Can cook 1 of 2 meals, being burek and cevapcici, from his homeland of…nobody cares. If prepared correctly, the dishes can have protective and enhancement effects.

EXTRA: Do not touch his food cart. It was given to him by the god of cooking himself, Gourd Rashmay

Sorry about that, but now that it’s done, the story can continue

…

“So are we starting this thing or what?”

“We’re just undergoing some final preparations!” Phoenix exclaims, Chibafu’s party acknowledging

They wait for a moment, then Chibafu turns to Erina.

“Are these always on now? Is there a way to turn them off?”

“Just re-activate your trigger, should give you back a normal view”

Chibafu’s mind does the “clapping” again, and his pseudo-vision returns, everything seeming normal.

“Are you sure this isn’t going to hurt him?” Elfana asks Erina, skeptical still at the unfolding events.

“Pretty sure”

“Are you sure?” Elfana asks again

“You just asked that.” Erina reminds Eflana, Chibafu just observing for the time being.

Those girls…what am I going to do with them?

Also thank you for giving me that “convenient power up”.

No problem, but only this once. People I like get 1 freebie, so don’t come crying if you have another wish.

You’re a cruel man. But you're a fair one. Okay.

Phoenix comes back, saying that the party is all ready to depart for this quest, and they set out. All look like standard adventurers, with swords, armor and healing equipment with the exception of 1, bring Arten Veldom. He is wearing a chef’s hat and rolling a food cart around.

That must be one important cart, if he’s bringing it to the quest. Gourd Rashmey’s work is priceless to those who worship, like any other god.

They continue their trek into the day, with the space being closed between Erina and Chibafu, starting about 10 centimeters away and ending with her asleep on his lap as he slides to his destination.

Elfana looks to Erina, atop the lap of the furniture she’s in love with, and sighs.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just a bit jealous is all”

She doesn’t indicate Chibafu’s lap, but he’s certain that’s what the issue is.

“She sort of…I dunno…came up here before I had a chance to react”

Elfana pouts, and turns her face away from Chibafu.

“Don’t worry, I’ll carry you on the way back. It’s only fair, right?”

Elfana’s eyes gleam with excitement, and she picks up the pace, sprinting ahead to reach the area faster.

About an hour later, the group walks by her, panting while leaning on a tree, out of breath. They don’t say a word, and they resume their journey to the quest’s destination, to the embarrassment of Elfana.

…

Another hour passes, and just as they enter the forest where the cave rests, Phoenix motions the group to stop, to which everyone does. Phoenix sniffs the air, and the wind flutters her ears to a distinct sound.

Enemies.

“Back away, and observe what a true party is capable of!” Phoenix exclaims, Chibafu and Elfana receding to a safe watching distance, Erina waking up from the noise.

“What’s going on?” Erina asks, yawning in the process.

“They’re gonna show us what real parties are made of! Just watch!” Chibafu explains, the 3 of them eagerly awaiting the thrilling battle about to unfold.

Goblins and Feral Wolves enclose the Bladed party, but they aren’t afraid; they’ve been in this situation too many times. Blizzle shoots his guns toward a pack, healing them and hurting them instantaneously, causing mild confusion. Wendell begins to imbue his sword with rage, the blade glistening a bright red, then beginning to rampage about, smacking multiple enemies down without a second thought.

Marvin begins to hone his breathing, holding his breath, and seeing a mental image of 4 threads, then swiping his hand in a sword-like motion, severing these bonds. As he does this, all the limbs of a single goblin remove themselves from its body, bleeding out in a gory mess. Phoenix wields a large sword, swinging it haphazardly, eviscerating multiple wolves and goblins, getting covered in blood, the fearsome battle spirit of the group roaring forth.

Or at least…that’s what the group thinks.

To Chibafu, Elfana and Erina this parade of maniacs is destroying a lowly band of goblins and wolves, getting covered in blood while singing their made up theme song in unison.

They finish up the battle, not bothering to clean the blood off their clothes, and continue walking forward.

“What…the hell did we just witness?”

Chibafu remains in place, Erina and Elfana rubbing their eyes in disbelief.

Regardless of sanity (or lack thereof) the group continues forth and presses on, catching up to Bladed.

They end up reaching a massive clearing, with the target den in sight, across a large field. With an implicit signal, Phoenix tells Arten to cook “that” meal.

Arten begins to cook, and produces a dish with purple skulls hovering above it, promising “to win the fights ahead, no matter what!”

Sounds really vague. Well, whatever, winning’s what we came here to do!

Chibafu attempts to eat the cooking alongside everyone else, but realizes he can’t, as there’s nowhere to put it.

Arten notices the full plate on Chibafu’s lap, and confronts him about it

“You disrespect me and my god! How dare you not eat my creation!” He spouts

Chibafu raises his arm, pointing to the clouds

“What’s that over there?”

Arten falls for the bait, looking up, and as he does Chibafu flings the plate and the dish into orbit, not leaving a trace.

“What do you mean, I enjoyed every bite!” Chibafu exclaims

Arten’s disdain quickly turns into gratefulness, happy Chibafu enjoyed his meal.

…

Everyone finishes up their meal, then all of a sudden a duplicate version of Blizzle emerges from his shadow, tapping him on the shoulder, causing him to die immediately.

“I figured it out” Blizzle confidently proclaims, leading them in a hyper-specific pattern across the open area toward the den.

“What are we doing?”
“I don’t know, I’m just following the majority” Elfana replies.

“I’m gonna stay with Chibafu!” Erina cries out, sitting on his lap again as he slides on the footsteps of the Bladed party on the path to the den.

What happens if we…

Chibafu looks around, then flings a rock toward the places not travelled, to which nothing happens.

What a fraud! Are we just following him for-

Chibafu’s thought is quickly ended by the rock being coated in a green solution and dissolved.

Oh…I think he might be onto something.

“Should be safe about… here…” Blizzle skeptically says, hurling a rock forward, then waiting for the reaction.

The rock remains intact and the party takes a breather, just in front of the den.

This hasn’t been exactly what I’d imagined for an “executive party” but hey, you can’t win ‘em all.

Chibafu observes the surroundings, using his new found “clapping” trigger to see what others cannot, as he’s combing the area, he notices a semi-familiar silhouette, but before he can warn anyone a green arrow whizzes past Chibafu, nearly hitting him and landing just beside Arten’s Food cart.

He looks around, angrily trying to find who shot that at him, then noticing a slight scuff on his cart (which was from him hitting it on a rock earlier) and proceeds to start yelling out to whomever decided to slight him.

“YOU SEE THAT DINK?!? YOU JUST HIT MY CART!!” Arten points at the miniscule blemish.

“I don’t think that’s from-”

“YOU HIT MY CART!!!!” he screams out, interrupting Chibafu.

Arten sprints full speed ahead at the cave, where he suspects the enemies to be, and they finally reveal themselves.

Edina Paltus and the entirety of the serpent sting party emerge from another cave, slightly smaller and a bit off to the side of the main one.

I wonder how long they were sitting in that cave for…

Another arrow screams by, but this time Erina decides to try something….a bit unorthodox.

As a third arrow comes around, she picks up Chibafu and folds him flat, to his surprise

“Wait what are you-”

As the arrow reaches her range, she swings Chibafu like a baseball bat, and the arrow flies back to the sender, burying itself in his leg.

“The only person that gets to touch Chibafu is me, and me alone”

What does that even mean? Do I not get a say in this

Off to the side, and observing is Elfana, who’s now slightly aggravated at this claim, and so shouts back at Erina

“Since when!?!? I’ve known him longer, therefore I should be on the touching list!”

They both look away from each other, Chibafu resting in the middle of the 2 of them.

I’m just not going to comment. Like a TOUCH LIST? Are you being serious? I don’t have the skills as a piece of furniture to persuade them yet.

Bladed and Serpent sting begin fighting, while Unfoldable (not yet but close enough) is standing around and doing nothing, putting personal feelings above personal safety.

Unfoldable makes their move to join the fray (about damn time), and picks Chibafu up to allow him to partake in this definitely meaningful violence.

As they finally begin fighting, Bladed (once again) begins singing their own theme song as they fight, Elfana and Erina clashing vigorously alongside them.

Erina pounces a few of the members knocking them to the ground, with their leader, Edina Paltus, holding her own against the members of Bladed.

“Is this the best an A-Ranked party’s got? You guys are nothing but ads!” Edina spouts playfully, following it with a taunting laugh.

“This chick’s bad news” Marvin says, like everyone there didn’t know that already.

Marvin then goes for the leg sweep on Edina, which she dodges with a swift jump.

Just then, Blizzle aims both his guns at Edina, who’s still helpless in the air.

“I’ve got 2 guns…so….double the accuracy!”

I don’t think that’s how this works

“I don’t think that’s how that works” the entirety of bladed says in unison

“I don’t think that’s how that works” the remainder of the people also say in unison, getting to the head of Blizzle.

“Yeah it is, why do you think people with 2 guns hit more shots than people with 1 then?” he retorts smugly, thinking he’s won.

“...because they have more bullets.” Chibafu replies, causing Blizzle to stop and rethink his prior statements.

“But why would that be the case? It just doesn’t make sense…” Blizzle states, scratching his temple with one of his guns.

This creates just enough time for Edina to land on the ground and absolutely boot Blizzle across the open field, only stopping after slamming into a tree.

“Just a bunch of fodder as I see it.” Edina reiterates her point, squaring off against the remaining members of bladed.

She attacks Edward first, throwing a dagger at his head, to which he maneuvers around and engages Edina, grabbing a hold of her and invoking his ability.

“You see it don’t you? The clarity which cometh…” Edward speaks in a mystical tone, Edina unable to move as she’s mid “epiphany”.

“No…you…won’t…” Edina struggles to break free, resisting with all her might.

Edina then receives wisdom from this clarity and clears her throat.

“If one of you breaks me out of this….I’ll sit on your f-”

All of the once downed members of serpent sting instantly shoot up and begin charging at Edward, overwhelming him to a point where his "epiphany" is no longer affecting Edina.

Erina and Elfana aren’t far behind, still carrying Chibafu, and now Edina (plus a few fodder) are in between Bladed and (the soon to be party) Unfoldable.

Just then, a distinct click is heard, and what sounds to be a record screeching blasts from behind a large rock (which wasn’t there before but whatever).

“I think i’m feeling the burn…that fire…” a mysterious voice preaches from behind the rock, grabbing the attention of everyone involved.

“You ready?”
“I’m ready. You guys ready?”
“We’re so ready”

3 men emerge from behind the rock, with the man in the middle wearing a very tight muscle shirt with the words “Supreme Dance Club” written on it. He is also in reflective spandex.

“...I think I’m ready…. For this Boogie to be real. This canned heat in my heels is just about ready to blow.”

What does that even mean?

“Hit it” the main man says, and as he does another one of the men who emerged, one draped in all black, opens his mouth.

What’s happening? Can someone explain?

As he fully opens his mouth, the song canned heat by jamiroquai starts to play, with the reflective-spandex man beginning to dance.

He begins to feel the rhythm, with everyone around in awe, but as the violins begin to screech, powerful energy blasts emerge from his person, barley missing Unfoldable, but hitting Serpent Sting and Bladed.

“We have to get out of here…now!”

“But where will we go?” Erina asks, but just then, the song stops playing.

The man in black starts to cough, and the dancing man stops dancing, getting out of the rhythm.

“Seroiusly? I was in the zone, guys. Come on!” the main man complains.

“Sorry man, I just need a lozenge or something”

“Ugh, fine, I’m not feeling it anymore, so let’s go get one”

The supreme dance squad leaves as abruptly as they arrived, leaving Erina, Elfana and Chibafu with one question in their minds

What the actual fuck just happened.