Perfumes,cheap shampoo and engine oil [ Log 1 ]

Elsa

I sat up again. I couldn’t bring myself to lie next to them, in the same way as I couldn't bring myself to move us to a better place, even if I had considered it as I walked back from “Blue Pine”. We could easily afford it now, but both those choices brought back memories of the time when I had done such a thing and the turbulent future those choices had brought upon us.

I rested my back against the cold metal frame. I was exhausted, but I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep. My mind was filled with nagging questions only Li could answer, but it wasn’t fair to wake her up just for my sake. Sol watched me, even though her eyes remained closed. Automaton never slept, keeping a constant watch on their crew, and it made me feel exposed, as I knew my feelings were clearly visible on my face.

“Can I speak freely, Captain?”

A phrase I had only heard in old war movies hung in the air, promising warmth and connection that would shield me from the night's chill and my own thoughts. Did I owe her such a thing, or was my hesitation driven by fear of what would happen if I agreed to her request? Part of me knew I had already given her my answer when I let Li befriend her, making her part of our lives. It was just a formality that she asked, or maybe an old habit from the time when such questions didn't feel out of place. I didn’t know, but it didn’t really matter.

“Call me Elsa, there’s no need to be so formal with each other”

She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes when she repeated my name, making me wonder what kind of memory my simple gesture brought.

“What troubles you?”, she asked.

I sighed and looked at Li, huddled against her, and she followed my gaze.

“It’s complicated…”

I pulled my knees to my chest, trying to protect myself from her question and the night’s chill that penetrated my jumpsuit. She shook her head.

“It’s not, Elsa. Things are always simpler than they seem to be..”

I waited for her to explain, but she looked away, lost in her own thoughts, before whispering into the darkness,

“She waited for you the whole evening”

Back in the days when we still believed in our dream, our bed smelled of her expensive perfumes, the cheap shampoo I used to wash Li’s hair and engine oil that always stained my hands. Tonight, only a faint scent of her shampoo remained from our dream, as I had brought with me only the smell of freshly fallen snow, and Sol smelled of the dark void of space and the old memories she had fought so hard to bring back home.

In the end, I fell asleep, lulled by the warmth of Li’s body lying between us, and none of the memories I tried so hard to forget haunted my dreams that night. I woke up well rested when the cold rays of Elmir’s sun sipped through the window, and Li tried to tuck the blankets around me as she got out of bed.

I called her name, and she happily came back and sat on the bed, putting my jacket around her shoulders. She didn’t resist as I reached out and pulled her to me, falling into my open arms. Only then did I notice Sol standing at the table and watching us with a pack of coffee in her hands and a soft smile on her face.

“What happened, sis?”, Li wondered.

She instinctively huddled up against me, feeling how my body tensed as the scene before me brought back old memories that a part of me wished had never existed.

“I got us a job. It pays well, but… Karla will come with us if we take it. We have money, so we don’t need to take it.”

I kept the rest to myself, giving her a chance to make a decision unburdened by what I knew would happen to Karla if we said no.

I didn’t know what she would say, and a part of me hoped for one answer, while another dreaded it. What I hadn’t expected was the ease with which she decided our future without seemingly giving any deeper thought to my question. Could she really forgive Karla for what she had done to us so easily, or was she still young enough to believe in the dream despite everything that had happened?

I messaged Kai, still sitting in bed with a cup of steaming coffee balanced on my lap. I hoped she would find solace in Li’s answer after the sleepless night she must have endured, after I left her in “Blue Pine” gazing aimlessly at the holographic snow.

“We need to clean Minerva”, I said into the room as a part of me wanted to believe in the dream we’d once had.