A cup of cold coffee [ Log 1 ]

Karla

I waited for them in the docks with a cup of cold coffee in my hand, hoping that my sunglasses would hide my regrets. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the upcoming day or even if I deserved it in the first place, but even so, nothing had prepared me to see the three of them walking towards Minerva.

All the words I had so carefully crafted throughout the night turned to stardust when I saw Li holding Sol’s hand as she walked between them. I adjusted my sunglasses, suddenly finding myself at a loss for words.

El’s simple “Hi” both hurt and gave me hope, since she neither called me Karla nor Kai. It was more than I deserved, so I forced a smile as my answer. Li gave me a quick hug that almost broke my composure before running after the others through the open airlock, leaving me alone and hesitating whether I should follow and face all those memories that lied inside.

They didn’t really need me, but El still needed to sign a few documents to secure her cargo. What was I hoping for?, I wondered, stepping through the airlock and leaning against the cold metal wall that separated the bridge from the living quarters. I could have just sent it to her.

I could hear them bustling through the living quarters, but I knew they would be done soon. They always carried the few precious possessions they had with them. I walked to the bridge, squeezing myself through the bulkhead doors, and sat down in the navigator’s seat. It was supposed to have been my place if I’d had the courage to stay. I leaned back against the hard seat, listening to their voices echoing through the empty ship. I knew El would leave me as much gear as she could afford, knowing that I had spent all my savings and credit lines to pay for Minerva.

I still didn’t know what to do with the ship. A part of me wanted to scrape it as soon as I could, hoping it would clear the past that lingered between us. But I knew Minerva meant a lot to Li and probably to El, too, even if she would never admit it, so I would probably keep her even if only for their sake.

Would I have a place on Sol? It was a question I dreaded to ask, even as Elmir’s cold night had slowly turned into dawn and El’s message reached my data pad. Thanks to Li, I could stay, but it didn’t mean I had a place with them, not after…

Soft footsteps echoed behind me, and I spun my chair around and saw Li standing next to the engineer's console with a toolbox in her hands. She had grown a lot since I last left. Even though I had seen her during the court hearing, El always put herself between us, trying to shield her from me. I didn’t blame her. I would have done exactly the same in her place, since she had no reason to trust me after what I had done.

Li walked to the cockpit and started to pry off an old photo from the panel before turning to me and asking,

“Will you stay with us…?”

Her soft voice, carrying neither anger nor sadness, only the hope that this time would somehow be different, filled the cockpit. It brought a wave of regret and tears that I managed to hide behind my sunglasses.

“I…”

No matter how hard I tried, I was unable to speak, fighting my urge to run away as I always did when things got too much. It was Sol who saved me from breaking my promise as she squeezed herself through the bulkhead door, asking Li about some item that didn’t match her manifesto.

She gave me a professional smile before realising she shouldn’t have come here in the first place, as Li’s question still hung unanswered in the air. I only managed to nod to them, a poor excuse for the answer Li deserved to hear, but it was the best I could do, as the small cockpit suddenly felt suffocating, and I struggled to breathe.

Li broke the silence that hung between us and pulled at Sol’s sleeve to show her a photo. She held it close to her chest before wrapping her arms around Sol, forcing me to watch my regret play in front of my eyes. I hadn’t expected Sol to respond to it with such softness. She was just an automaton, but she gave Li more than I was ever able to give, breaking my excuse that I couldn’t give something I’d never had.

I tried to turn my jealousy into anger, but my efforts faded into the void that grew in my chest as Sol pulled a small, laminated photo from the pocket of her jumpsuit. She began to tell Li names that had faded into history a long time ago, yet I was sure she would remember each one of them, making me feel even more out of place.

I quietly left and rested my burning forehead against the cold metal wall of the airlock as I listened to the bustling noise of the docks outside.