Why Do I Wanna Fly?

Author's Note*: I've put a lot into thought for this series and how it will turn out. It will be an emotional, political, philosophical roller-coaster, please leave a like and comment on every chapter to boost this series, thank you for reading!

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I reckon... 'twas 1877. Truth told, I don't rightly know anymore.

It be after the Satsuma Rebellion. Many a kin o' mine done joined up in thet fight. Why they went and did such a thing, I cain't figure it out at all. It’s been nigh on ten years since the Boshin War finished, and still... still we gotta be fightin'? Jist fer the sake o' some piddlin' "samurai privilege"?

Why, I ask ye... how kin this be?

I'm wore out, I tell ye, wore out from losin' everyone. The folk who used to sit 'round the irori (hearth) with me, laughin' and chawin' on daifuku, now they got their guts dragged out and tossed into the river...

(A long, shuddering sigh escaped his lips, dissolving into the biting air.)

Y'know, Saru. I jist want to be a piece o' the cloud, that's all. I want to be with the clouds, I want to be a cloud. ...Don't matter what.

Saru flicked his ear, snow tumbling from his mane — as if he's answering him.

Above all, I jist want to be free o' everything. I want to feel light, nothin' heavy on me, but... the words won't come out proper.

Why am I talkin' to my own horse, mutterin' like this?

"Right then!" I holler that out and swing my leg over Saru.

The Meiji officials got their eyes glued on us, so travelin' from one village to the next ain't easy. But there ain't no help fer it. We jist gotta get back afore anyone thinks I’m a straggler from the rebellion.

Well, let's head on back to Shirakawa-go, then. We waited a mighty long time fer the snow to stop, we did.

...I be Saitou Jinko. Western folk would call me Jinko Saitou, I suppose, but thet don't matter none. I'm sixteen. All m'life, all I've seen is sorrow, or regret hidin' in the shadow o' cheerfulness.

Luckily, my Ma and Pa, and my brothers and sisters, they're still livin'. But the very fact I gotta say thet, well, it tells ye a whole story in itself. If I survive and tell my young'uns about seein' the fall o' the Tokugawa Shogunate and the comin' o' the Meiji Restoration when I was jist a boy... well, it might make fer a keen tale, I reckon.

Lately, I've taken to only sayin' what I think to myself. Seems like speakin' my own mind don't sit well with the values o' the world out there. ...But what in the devil am I supposed to put my trust in, then?

(Without warning, Jinko's horse, Saru, plants its hooves in the snow and makes an abrupt halt.)

Ah, Saru, what's amiss?

(Jinko dismounts the horse, the leather of the saddle creaking.)

Ah, the horseshoe again... Well, ye jist put up with hit fer a bit, now. We'll be there soon enough.

(Jinko clambers back onto the horse, settling in for the final leg of the journey.)

Now, gettin' back to it, what should I believe in? Me, I think everyone should jist go along with it. Follow what comes, ferget the past, and become a new person. ...Sounds simple enough, don't it? But it's a hard thing to say out loud. Say it, and I might get kicked out.

Maybe the reason I think like this is 'cause I'm tired. My body's all beat up from the long travelin' and movin' about. Never rightly known a real home, so Shirakawa-go, thet's the only place I got to return to. And my heart... it don't want to tie itself to anyone anymore.

Don't go gettin' the wrong idea. I love the folk around me, and their spirit lives on inside me. But I'm tired. Tired o' the feelin' thet the bonds and the lovin' I built up at my age have vanished, but they're supposed to still linger somewhere... I'm jist tired o' thet feelin'.

If I didn't hold love fer anyone, maybe the fear o' losin' 'em would vanish, too.

But then what would become o' me? Would I truly have any worth as a man livin' on this earth? Ain't man supposed to connect, and love, and live on thet sustenance?

...Maybe I jist don't want to do it, that's all. Maybe my heart is all torn up inside 'cause o' the way I was raised, and the way I saw I was raised... It was different from other folk, thet oughta be thet. Or maybe I'm jist thinkin' on it too much. But one thing's fer sure.

I'm scared. Truly scared, I am. So from here on out, I'll do anythin' at all to validate my reasonin' to exist.

I’ll chase whatever wind it takes to prove I’m still worth breathin’.

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Afterword*: The story follows sort of a slow-burn style narration. Also this novel will be a bit different in the sense it can change formats from typical novel writing to names before dialogues so I hope that keeps immersion intact!