Why Do I Wanna Fly?

It's 1877, I think.
I don't know anymore.

It's the aftermath of the Satsuma Rebellion, one which a lot of my relatives participated in.
I don't know why they did, the Boshin War ended nearly 10 years ago and we still.. we still have to keep fighting? For a measle "samurai privileges"?

Why? Just why?

I'm tired of losing everyone. I really am.
People I sat at the dinner table with in enjoyment of their company while gulping Daifuku 's are now having their bodies dragged out with their guts out and thrown into the rivers.

You know Saru, I think, I just want to be a part of the clouds, be with the clouds, become the clouds, whatever it is. I think I just want to feel weightlessness in every sense, maybe lightweight, I don't know the word but I just want to feel free of all and... and... well I don't know. Why am I talking to my own horse. *scuffs*

*click* "Yoooshh" - he exclaims as he gets on the horse.

It's not easy migrating from village to village when the Meiji officers are looking for anyone who even remotely supported the rebellion, but honestly what can we do. 

*Sighs*  Well alright, let's make our way back to Shirakawa-go, I've waited way too long for the snowfall to stop.

Hey.

I'm Saitou Jinko, for any of you westerners that'd probably culminate to Jinko Saitou, uh presumably pronounced Jeenko S-aa-ii-toh, well alright whatever. I'm 16 years old and well so far in my life I've seen nothing but pessimism, or optimism overshadowed by the consequences of over-dynamism.

My parents and siblings are all still alive, thankfully. But I think the fact I have to mention that says a lot. As a kid seeing the Tokugawa Shogunate being overthrown just for the Meiji Restoration to come in place is an interesting story to share with my kids, if I ever make it to that point in life.

I have learnt to express myself on the inside only nowadays because whatever belief I hold is apparently imposturous to how we should feel about all this. But what exactly is tha-

Oh Saru, what happened?
*gets off the horse*
Oh man it's the horseshoe of yours again, huh pal? 
Well for my sake just hold on a little longer yeah? We will get there soon, I promise.

*rides back on*

As I was saying, what even do I believe in?
Personally I think we all should just give in, obey what's coming, forget what once was, change our ways, be our new selves. See that's not so hard is it? But that's... kind of impossible to say outloud without probably getting exiled ahah.

Maybe I'm saying all this cause I'm tired, physically I'm tired for moving and migrating for so long, I've never properly known what a home is and Shirakawa-go is where I only ever intend to stay. And mentally..

I really don't want to feel connected to anyone ever again.

I mean don't get me wrong, I really love everyone I have around me and will continue to love everyone who's will lives on in me and others; but I think.. I think I'm tired, and I don't know for how long someone my age can only pretend connections and adorations I built is gone forever but somehow it still lives on?

I think if I just minded my own business and never formed adoration for someone, the fear of losing them will subside with that too.

But then, what will that make of me? Will I really be someone worthy of being human? Humans are made to connect and love each other and build off of that, right?

Or maybe, I just don't want to do that. Maybe I have a conflict within me solely for my upbringing being different vocally and different visually. Or maybe I'm overthinking this like an idiot. But I guess there's one thing that I can acclaim..

I'm scared, I really am. And from here on I will do anything to validate my existence.