I Came In Like a Criminal and Punched an Injured Dumdum in the Face

“Get everyone out of here,” Uncle declared with pride and bravery, with Lucy hugging and holding down his arm, looking every so questionable.

“You’re not moving from that spot.”

Jonathan crossed his arms and let his huge form cast a shadow over Uncle’s frail body, which was embraced by an imp dressed with makeup so thick that it seemed so defined even with little to no light. He caught a glimpse of a small potted cactus on the floor, so he stopped his feet, cleared his throat, and placed it somewhere else. He cleared his throat again.

“You’re going to die.”

“Thanks for that, buddy. I still have over nine thousand hitpoints. I ain’t gonna die.” Uncle pulled himself out away from Lucy, gave Jonathan a failed fist pump, and dove into the floor. He groaned. “See, I’m better already.”

“Sir Uncle!” Lucy rushed to his side, of course. She patted his head. “I knew that my power and blessings were too much for you to handle. But I commend your bravery. I need you to stand down. Let your queen handle this.”

“What are you going to do, cringe them to death?”

Lucy raised her brows at Jonathan. “I…” She took a deep breath, pouted, and frowned. “I ain’t singing my Song of Death, especially when I have,” she glanced at Uncle and George. “people I can’t have dying at my behest.”

“They’re going to cringe, groan, shiver, and wish that they were dead.”

Lucy scoffed. “That’s what the Song of Death does, you dumb fuck.”

Uncle picked himself up. He was cold, burning with fever. Having him wear a school jersey like an underpaid underground rapper running from the police wasn’t helping either. This joke should end now.

Joey rubbed his palms together as soon as he was able to stealthily enter through the window, screaming as he pushed through and fell to the floor, calling everyone’s attention in the room. He gave himself a pat on the back, imagining a distant crowd cheering for him. He dusted himself off and walked towards them like a true king.

Jonathan bopped his head. “Where were you?”

“I met a God,” Joey declared, pointing to Uncle as he walked forward. “And she’s so fucking hot that I choked on my own libido. I felt so cucked with all that kneeling and respect that I might as well step on y’all.”

Jonathan clapped. “That explains nothing—”

“Ah, yeah… that totally works,” Lucy and Uncle said the same thing before winking at each other.

“I don’t see Enteng.”

“Asleep,” Uncle replied.

“So he’s tuckered out. What about Enang?”

“Gone.”

“So she’s safe somewhere else.” Joey rolled his tongue inside his mouth. “I can work with that. How about you?”

Joey didn’t mind Jonathan, who was popping a vein just right beside him. It was as if he was the tallest in the room. He shoved both his hands into his pockets, pulled up a self-conceited and prideful grin, and stared down at Uncle like the big man he always was. Uncle said nothing. Lucy was beside Uncle, glaring at him while whispering some words that would never work against someone as amazing. There’s no need to please her. Jonathan would be pretty tame as long as you make it seem that it’s not his fault. Uncle, the one that had the balls to punch him without consent, would be the one he wanted to settle the beef with.

Uncle looked away and gazed back at him with a low chuckle. “I mean… I’m the strongest, you know. I’m a God. I’m fucking Uncle. I’m fine—”

Joey punched him in the face and knocked him out. He chuckled. “No, you’re fucking not.” He turned to face the crowd. He almost stepped on George, but he stopped, retraced his steps with a careful smile, and picked him up from the floor like a baby. He licked his lips. “And holy shit, that felt so good—”

Jonathan punched him in the face. He took that punch with a sinister grin. Lucy told him to die and his children in the future before kicking his balls. He almost shrieked. But he took it like a man and took a few shivering steps back. He almost dropped George. That was dangerous. He tried his best not to let it show by grabbing his crotch. But before he could make his tactical retreat, Jonathan grabbed him by the collar.

“What are you playing at?”

“I’m just following orders, Mydude…” Joey winked at Lucy. “And Milady.”

“I upheld the part of my deal.” Joey chuckled and pulled himself away, ignoring the pain in his crotch to step into the middle of the room to set the stage. “It’s not like I could fight with an injured retard holding me down.”

“Hey—”

“Of course, you’d be offended by me trying to disrupt your sense of camaraderie.” Joey scoffed at Lucy and faced the front door. His smile wavered for a moment. This was fine. “Just like that,” he continued. “I don’t want anyone to drag me either. You’re a very strong man, so you be the grunt and take the old man and that retarded son of a bitch away from here and find somewhere else to hide.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just making sure that my little girl friend will have a home to return to… and…”

Joey smiled at them. They heard a knock on the back door, but it was stopped by all the furniture Enteng had crammed into the kitchen. It seemed that they had given up because three more monsters jumped through the window, breaking it. Joey chuckled. It seemed that he was so great of a teacher that he was able to teach someone the ways of how to become a criminal by simply existing.

But he was calm.

He’s a simple man without proper combat training, and he’s standing in the middle of a room with a small cactus on hand, about to be ripped apart by three jacked crocodile men. Being calm was something that he didn’t expect. He guessed that he was finally learning his place in this world.

Sinaya would be at the top.

Someone jabbed his stone spear at him. Slow. Joey smirked. He dodged and kicked him back. Another one swung their stone club at him and missed by the next town. He could sleep in place and still have time to dodge. The last one didn’t even attack when he met his gaze. As deep as the ocean, as what Joey was thinking. This joke started and ended too quickly. These monsters stopped in total silence and gave him time to whistle as he finger-combed his long hair at the back of his head.

He would follow. Then Apolaki, whoever that guy was, then his worshippers, some of the people he knew, the other people not important to be named, and then these bitches.

But what was he thinking?

Joey set George down, stretched his neck, and cracked his knuckles as he eyed these bastards. He didn’t know anything about fighting. Jonathan could help, but he pissed him off. He sighed. He’d just have to follow him later like a true sidekick.

“To make a point.” Joey glanced at Lucy and Jonathan at his back with a helpless smile. “Punching that dude was a part of the deal, but dragging you all into this fight is not. So take care of them, aight?”