Imagine Getting Hit by a Metal Bench

“Monsieur…”

Ishigami stressed his words, barely screaming at the guard stationed at Sakuramine’s main gate. He was slowly losing his accent, with a visible vein popping at the side of his head. It didn't really happen. Hoshino just thought it would be funny to imagine, and it was.

“Mon nom est Pierre-Louis de La Pêcherie du Vallon. I am a French noble. I was told that I am to meet a gallant man named Larry at the main building. From there, he will give me a tour of the school. I believe you do not understand the gravity of the situation…” Ishigami continued. “You should choose your next words carefully, young man. Or I will say things. And you will not like it.”

The guard widened his bothered smile. Hoshino closed his eyes. The man was doing it. He was starting to believe. Hoshino could only imagine the thoughts running through the man’s mind. Ishigami had said his fake name a million times for the past five minutes with such confidence. For the guard… could it be true that the man in front of him, who looked both like a noble from nineteenth-century France and a lunatic who escaped from the Winged Heart Mental Institution of Kanzakichō, was actually—really—looking to enlist his daughter in Sakuramine?

To be fair, the guard also shouldn’t get a say about appearances. He looked more like a goon than a guard, with the dark bags under his eyes and tattoos of words written in some unintelligible cursive on his arms and everything. But who was he to judge? Hoshino was wearing a skirt. Ishigami also looked like a sweaty pervert under the sweltering sun.

But soon enough… this guard would crack like an egg. It was a rare one. The situation would perfectly resolve itself without Hoshino ever lifting a finger. With this… they could get inside the school with no trouble at all. And to top that off, the classes were still ongoing, so there were no witnesses or possible bystanders who could take out their phones and record the good work he and Ishigami were doing.

“Like I said…” The guard sighed, worry clinging to his words as the weird Frenchman overshadowed him. Literally. “If y-you have an appointment, which I have been a-asking about for the last five minutes, I have no problems letting y-you guys into the school grounds despite your…” His eyes shifted to the poster that presented the dress code required by the school for both its students and teachers. “Also… we do not have a Larry. Not anymore. He was fired a week ago for… reasons—”

Ishigami slapped the guard’s face with a gentle backhand and gasped as if he was the one who got hit. “Monsieur! I am deeply, deeply offended.” Ishigami stepped back, whimpered, and wiped the crocodile tears (or sweat) from his makeup-caked face. “Are you implying that I have lied? How dare you? How dare you tarnish my honor, Pierre-Louis de La Pêcherie du Vallon. Your superiors will hear about this! I will see to it myself that you will get fired… you…”

“Jerome…” the guard said weakly, holding his cheek as he brought his head down. “Jerome Tanigaki.”

“Take note of his name, François. We will have to write a strongly-worded letter to the director of Sakuramine itself.”

Hoshino nodded. “Yes, Big Daddy.”

Ishigami humphed and cleared his throat a second later to mask a chuckle. Then he breathed through his nose, proving that the task was too difficult. “Jerome…” He exhaled through his nose again. “Jerome Tanigaki… are you a foreigner?”

“No, sir.” Jerome the guard looked away, clicking his tongue. “My dad thought it would be funny—”

There was a thud, followed by the sound of a grown man falling to the ground. Hoshino opened his eyes slowly… attempting not to overreact and assuming that it was the most normal thing in the world. There he saw Ishigami—with the legendary might of ten men—decking Jerome in the face and knocking him out in the smoothest way possible.

“JEROME, OH NO WHAT HAPPENED?” Ishigami screamed. “You’ve been working so hard that you passed out due to… this… h-heat…” A laugh escaped through his gritted teeth. “Come, Jean-François de la Valière Dubois, my trusted maid. This poor, hardworking man suddenly passed out. I must take him to the nearest place where he can be tended to. Unfortunately, I cannot go to the hospital as there are no taxis around. Luckily… There is a school here. I need to go and save this man’s life!”

Hoshino nodded. “Yes, Big Daddy.”

Hoshino pursed his lips, keeping them from cracking a smile. He scanned their surroundings. No witnesses. Too quiet, even. But there was a fucking CCTV camera on the lamppost near the gate. Shit.

“While I do…” Ishigami continued. “Ask some students and find a way to contact the school nurse. It is possible that the nurse is around, teaching or grabbing coffee somewhere. Send them back as soon as possible.”

Hoshino nodded. “Yes, Big Daddy.”

Ishigami kicked the ground and ran toward the main building like a speeding truck with an unwilling princess in hand. In all honesty, it was too weird of Ishigami to act like that. He also seemed worried about something. Punching the guard was not part of the script. The real script would have had Hoshino pin the guard against the wall and ask him to let them pass. Usually that worked…

Having no witnesses was also a blessing. They just needed to delete the footage. But… wasn’t that bad? Oh god. Hoshino could already imagine Hazama with her sixth bottle of energy drink pinching the bridge of her nose.

But Hoshino needed to focus. There was a lot of ground to cover. Thankfully… Hazama informed them back at La Boulangerie that Sakuramine’s buildings were conveniently color-coded. Green for freshmen. Yellow or gold for sophomores. Blue for juniors. Red for seniors. The colors also matched the uniform. So, the yellow building was the best place to start.

Ishigami also knew that the main building had the school’s entire faculty along with some other departments. Maybe he punched the guard so that he would have an easier time getting there. So he shouldn’t be too worried. Right?

Hoshino clutched his chest. Ishigami would be fine. It was him who needed to make things work, so he looked around, painfully aware of all the seconds he spent doing nothing.

Past the green fields of grass, with the occasional wide-canopied trees and ornate water fountains, there was a student wearing yellow. She had twin tails. She wore glasses. She was also hugging a bunch of books. The shy type. It would be easy to talk to her. What was also important was that going to her wouldn’t take Hoshino too far from the main building. He could provide Ishigami support if needed. With that in mind, he ran toward the girl with the speed of a normal human… elegantly pinching and lifting his skirt like a true maid.

“Good day, mademoiselle,” Hoshino started, imagining a choir of violins playing in the background and rose petals falling around him like snow. “May I ask a few questions?”

“Hi…”

The student looked down to avoid his enamoring beauty. That, or she was deciding to run, turn him down, or call the police. Encountering a man at this time of day might be too weird. Hazama was slowly making sense. Hoshino was glad that he was pretty darn cute to make it work.

“Sure… but I’m running late… so—”

“Sorry. It was just that an emergency happened. The guard by the main gate passed out, and my master took him to the nurse’s office. I was told to ask around if there was a way to send the school nurse there… just in case,” Hoshino started. “I was also instructed to look for a person named Oogami—”

“Oh no… that’s terrible,” the girl interrupted. “You s-should probably call Mr. Larry, our school nurse. I’ll give you his contact info right now—”

“Larry?”

Hoshino widened his eyes. His throat felt full. He swallowed even if there was nothing there. Larry. Larry? A Larry wasn’t supposed to be here. Ishigami might’ve made that up on the spot. It was a classic scamming tactic. Or was there an actual Larry here? Hoshino’s lips quivered into a worried smile. He covered his mouth, his thumb and pointing finger caressing his scar.

Now that Hoshino was thinking about it… why would Ishigami punch a poor civilian in the face? That was wrong. That was a bad thing. A crime. Ishigami would’ve seen the camera as well. If anything…

SHIT.

Hoshino pulled out his phone and dialed a number. The call was picked up five seconds later.

“Hallo, hallo. Hazama here.”

“H-Hazama-san!” Hoshino muttered, his voice bordering the sound of a scream and a cry for help. Though hearing her deadpan voice calmed him down, almost convincing him that the situation was still under control. “The Butterflies… I think they’re here. I think they might’ve taken over the school and—”

“I see,” Hazama replied. Too calm. Too fucking calm. “It’s a good thing I sent Ishigami there then. Thank you for letting me know, Hoshino-san. I’ll remember this. Please move on with your investigation and leave it to me to send an ambulance over to Sakuramine.”

“But—”

Hoshino stopped himself. He closed his mouth, his gaze slowly settling on the currently peaceful main building. How could she be so calm? He thought about making a joke to address the situation, but before he could verbalize his thoughts, a familiar chime rang in the air.

Inside the building. Multiple bolts were fired and smashed into a shield—the sound was glass-like, as if someone threw a rock at a window and the window didn’t break. It was followed by an explosion and the sight of a hooded man bursting through the walls of the ground floor.

From the wall of smoke and dust came Ishigami… his coat removed and with a bent metallic bench under his arm.

“Was that an explosion?” Hazama said from the other line. She still sounded unsurprised. “I’ll do you a favor and send maybe four ambulances there… or maybe as much as I can get.”