Drowning

 After the fun Halloween I had the month had ended. October had come to an end, and November came along with winter. The days began to get colder, but somehow not as cold as Halloween. I had made significant progress on eating the bagful of candy I got from Halloween, and with you no progress, weeks passed by with just some glances of your smile, and a wave. The anxieties in my mind got stronger and stronger,but I guess I got stronger with them.

After our fun halloween we still had the whole week ahead of us because it was on monday. How does Halloween always end up on a school day? The days continued to progress with no progress with the pretty lady, and my mind kept filling with the anxiety that I missed my chance to ask her out, and that she might find someone else. That one kept me up a while at night. Though, these hard times of me stressing about a girl my mind went more to rap for a relief. The loud music from the walkman kept me going. As I went on I felt less and less like trying on anything I’d grab onto the walkman my brother had let me borrow. I’d always blast the music up to calm myself and light a fire to keep myself going, to keep myself moving before I start to drown in it all, drown in fear, drown in anxiety, drown in everything.

“Have a good night miss.” I said to the security guard lady as I left school. I didn’t see Damian again today, probably got caught sleeping in class again and got in detention. As I left through the front doors I was welcomed by the relief of the outside. These days by the time of last period I was pretty exhausted, especially with you in there. Well Damian not being here I’m all right with but you're not here either, extracurriculars again?

I walk alone along the usual route. She was real pretty today, she had a different hairstyle than usual, I didn’t know what it was called or really how to describe it but her hair was up, like sort of a bun kinda, and it was a little frizzier than usual. Yeah I really have no idea how to describe it but she was beautiful, it made her look like a queen. Today I just couldn’t help but sneak glances at her, well not that it’s anything out of the usual. Not gonna lie she’s got my mind in her hand. Even though we only talked a few times before I feel like we were meant to be, you gave me a feeling I’ve never felt before. I see you as a lady unlike no other lady could do. Well I feel I had that feeling before, but somehow now I just wanna keep believing in my feeling, I wanna believe it’s special, even if it’s not, even if I’m delusional. If I’m delusional then we all are.

Throughout the bus ride my mind was in a loop again, like my mind was twisting into the weirdest shaped pretzel, and then being eaten, well not the best analogy. And you didn’t appear on the bus again today either. I was half hoping that you’d just come out a minute before I left, and I’d see you on the bus. No work today so straight home for me. I spent my 40 minutes wasting time looking out the window, now the next holiday people are gonna start decorating for was Thanksgiving, then I started thinking about how dumb I was for not just asking you out, and telling you how I feel. Soon enough the bus ride ended.

“Hey kid, how's it going?” It was the usual crew

“It’s going aight.”

“So hows…….”

After I talked to the crew for a bit I walked to my house, and opened the door to the empty apartment. Pretty strange huh, I’d always feel tired during class and want to sleep, but the second I'm outside I feel awake with a nice sense of relief. There was some leftover pizza from yesterday in the fridge that I could munch on whenever I felt like it. I had a decent sized assignment for history, I had to read a chapter from the textbook and fill out the organizer. It’d probably take me about 40 50 minutes to finish nicely. Though I wasn't in such a nice mood. I plopped on my bed to rest. I neither felt like sleeping nor felt like getting up. Besides that assignment I had some other smaller things to do before I could let the day go.

“AHHHHhhhhhhh.” Felt like screaming. On my bed I was strangely uncomfortable . It was to hot under the sheets, but it was too cozy to not put them over me. My legs shaked. Anxiety faded in and out of me. Fear faded in and out of me. The past faded in and out of me. I must’ve been on that bed for 20 minutes till I mustered the last of my energy to pick up the walkman my brother left me. The last time he loaned it to me I told him I really liked the album, and how they might really might be the next thing and he must of liked that as he left it for me to use more often. A tape was already in, I turned it on, put the headset on, and put the music all the way up. I let myself lay there on the bed with the music on, and the hot bed began to become more cozy than uncomfy. Every time I heard the beat, the lyrics, it was like the music was giving my heart a new beat. The songs continued to play, and I got up. I started to get on my history homework with the music blasting through my eardrums. Even though I knew I could concentrate and do work better without headphones, I think I needed them to even be able to read for today.

The next day was the same. The same gnawing feeling biting at me, on the bus ride home my legs kept shaking like it wasn’t my own leg. I thought a thought that I had thought many times before. What if I had to feel this all year, what if I don’t… what if I lost my chance and I won’t be able to… All incomplete thoughts just brought up my fear, fear of tomorrow, fear of the future, fear that my future didn’t lie with you. I rubbed my face with my hands stressing, what should I do, what can I do.

I had more history homework today, plus some English homework. My leg shaked, my mind tossed from corner to corner of the room. I managed to start reading the textbook but none of these words made any sense and I wasn’t making any progress at all. I felt there was nothing I could do, even though it was as simple as asking her out, I felt that I shouldn’t, that I couldn’t. I kept thinking instead of reading. My head felt like it was sinking deeper and deeper.

“I guess there's no choice but to drown.” I put on my headphones, and I started blasting music again.