Dear Mama

       As my mind continued to turn I was reminded that the world wouldn’t stay still for my troubles. I was a junior in high school and was about to graduate next year. My mother, she worked two jobs to support our family with me and my brother. We wouldn’t see her too much, but on the occasional friday she might make me dinner. It was a good time, a dinner that wasn’t alone. But recently those Fridays would appear less and less, and I would be alone for the most part. It also seemed she wasn’t well, she seemed sick on the off chance I saw her all she ever seemed to do was complain. Not that it ticked me off or anything, but it sure was real annoying, though I wasn’t gonna say anything because she was my mom. I just listened, and talked as best as I could, and tried not to be overly dismissive, and angry as best as I could.

The week’s end came around and it was Friday. At school I saw her fooling around with her friends, there was a sub that day in history class. The assigned seats were no more and now we all freely sat with whomever we wanted, and the class talked as loud as they wanted in the absence of Ms. Forese’s presence. Today the work was a simple sheet with a reading and questions that we had to do, and once we finished we also wouldn’t get any homework, a pretty sweet deal. It's too bad the teacher might be sick, but it is pretty nice to have no homework.

Well I wasn’t too familiar with the guys in my history class but I just knew a few guys in there a bit. I sat next to an unfamiliar group, some I knew, and most we just hadn’t gotten to know each other that much.

“Yo!” It was David. He was a big white kid with a crew cut, and freckles. We had gym together last year, and we played together because they didn’t let us use the gym equipment sophomore year, and we were the only ones who really sucked at basketball but still wanted to play it in gym.

“What’s up.” I said, still half looking at my paper.

“You think you’d beat me in basketball 1 on 1.” He’d often say things like this.

“For show.”

“Ohhhh really.”

“Yeaaaah.”

“Didn’t I cook you last year.”

“Well it’s not last year is it.”

“Hehe, I’lll cook you.” He said a little louder, but jokingly.

“We’ll see we’ll see, next time we have a match I’ll show you what’s up. I’ll show you some Jordan."

“We’ll see about that.” He fisted his hand and cupped it with his other hand like he was ready for battle.

Well I don’t know what we were talking about, we were both top tier trash at basketball, but it was funny. After that I focused on my work, and he started working too. I finished with about a couple minutes left in the period. With my free time I looked around and chatted with David for a bit. Then I looked around catching glimpses of you, you were pretty. I wanted to see your eyes, I wanted to see them look into mine just like you did before. I wanted to see your face up close like before and have it last for more than a second, and see your eyes look straight into mine.Then the bell rang and we were out of school again.

Well even though this was the one day I’d might be able to see my mom, and that she’d cook dinner for me she was not in the list of thoughts on my way back home. These days the ride back was a haze of fear, being dazed, anxiety, and the jittering of my feet. Too bad I didn’t have my walkman with me, it would’ve been nice to listen to it on the bus, but my brother had taken it for today. The way home was the same as always, “are you always gonna stay like this”, “Pussy ass kid, Can’t even ask a girl out”, “It’s alright, it’s gonna be okay thy lord will show us the way” , “Shit man, I can’t take this no more, man what’s up with this, what the heck can I do mAAANN!” The voices in my head were quite rowdy today. Though between those roaring thoughts a nice silent moment would form, it was a relieving comforting moment. The feeling felt like it would be all okay, and what would happen, would happen.

After the bus ride and the walk I was home. Since I came on a busy Wednesday this week and worked a little over, the boss said to come to work half an hour later on Friday. Though it was pretty rewarding for me. I earned 4.75 in tips plus my usual pay of 3.75 an hour. I was thinking I was rolling in dough, but I may have not been—just quite there yet.

As I stepped in the house I heard my mom’s voice.

“Oh your home, you came out this early pac, I didn’t know.” She said in a mumbled voice.

“Hey mom, I didn’t know you were home, you're not gonna cook anything?” Usually the Fridays she was home she’d always be cooking by the time I’d get home, and I’d smell the scent of her cooking the second I’d opened the door, sometimes even outside.

“So I always gotta cook for ya… There’s some leftovers in the fridge, go heat them up or something.” She mumbled again in a low voice. She was like this again, I wonder what was wrong, but everytime I tried to help it seemed to make no difference, and sometimes made things even worse. It made me worried, it made me angry, and it made me sad to see my mom like this. We’d fight more and more often, not that I wanted to start one… it just sorta happened and I didn’t know what to do. I stayed silent and headed to my room to do some homework, or write.

“HEY, respond to me. I hate it the most when you ignore me.” She said sharply at first, but then started to mumble again. I simply just looked at her. Her eyes weren’t looking at me, and dotted around me.

“... Sorry Pac, I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry about that.” She said a little more clearier, her face filled with a pained look over her.

“Nah it’s okay ma. I’mma do some homework now.” I went into my room, closed the door and laid on my bed. A feeling of letting go of everything filled me. Then an urge for a hot shower.

I quickly took a pair of underpants, and a tanktop to the bathroom. Then put the heat first at 80, I had to heat myself up first and temper my boy a little before it gets hot! Then to 83, then to 85, then to 90. I liked to leave it up there. Another thing that helped me out was a shower (Especially a hot one), though cold ones are good to get my mind in check a lot of the time I don’t feel like it. I’ve started to take more and more long hot showers. The landowner’s paying so who cares. The heat helps clear out my stress. The hot water cooks all the stress away, and by the end all that’s left is steam.

After about 8 minutes in the shower I leave. I get ready for work, and took a piece of bread in the kitchen as a snack. Then I began to leave through the front door.

“Be safe out there” My mom mumbled.

“I will.” Then I left for the pizzeria

The Friday shift at the pizzeria was busy like usual. My boss was also crazy as usual, I wonder what’s his secret, or maybe he has none and that’s his secret. My shift slowly went by, and in the last half hour the pizzeria was empty and my coworker had headed out already.

“Kid you go take a break, I’ll man the counter. Take a soda too, on me.” I got a bottle of Suncrush outta of the refrigerator next to the front counter and went out back. Night had already fallen and the stars were out. Not many though, I heard long ago you could see the whole milky way just on a regular night, but as more lights lit up on the ground the stars didn’t shine as bright at night, and didn’t reveal themselves anymore. Although I couldn’t see the milky way I thought the sky looked beautiful and I’d cry that night. It was a slow cry and silent cry I let out that night, and a relieving feeling came with it.