In Between

      In my thoughts I feel like I’m stuck between two things and feel trapped. The walls are built up and I don’t know if I can break through or keep enduring them. Will I always be stuck between these two things? I always think of superheroes when I think of these walls. They get the super pretty girl, they're super strong, and can fly, they must’ve broken through these walls right? But they do say there’s always someone stronger, and sometimes their girlfriend gets killed. Will I ever escape this?

“Hey will I?”

I woke up, I had forgotten it was the weekend and got up at 6, though once I remembered I went right back to bed. Somehow the first thought as I went back to bed was you, strange. There hasn’t been a day I haven't thought of you for a long while. I thought of your face, your smile, and just you. It’s gonna be another two days till I see you huh. I wonder what you’re doing now, if you're sleeping, or if you randomly got up just like me. Then I fall back asleep till about nineish on that thought.

I’d say my mind gets to me the most while I’m alone, when I’m at school my mind gets pushed back and forth with needing to pay attention in class while I’m paying attention to you. The classroom doesn’t give me the time to get lost in myself, though on my own I swirl and spiral in on myself the most. I think of pointless stuff like if I become your boyfriend what if we just break up, what if I let you down and bring you pain when I’m your boyfriend. Once I wake up I take a cup of hot water and drink it outside. It’s colder out now, maybe as cold as halloween. I’m wearing a tanktop despite the cold, well I just got up and it feels kinda good —it’d be a different story if I had to go out anywhere in these clothes. I’ve always been good with the cold, while my brother and mother start to pile up clothes on their shoulders to keep warm I mostly just wear a jacket, or a jacket and a hoodie if it’s really cold. Though I think I’ll go inside now, it’s getting cold.

“Achooo!”I should probably wear some more layers

After I eat some breakfast, and do my usual routine I go into my room, put on my headphones and write. Right now I feel a lot, and for some reason a desire to write, to create comes with it. I’ve been writing more recently, poems, songs, raps. I write some more than others. Whatever flows into my mind I put it on the paper and keep it, and treasure it, they feel valuable to me and also I think if I’m lucky they might make me rich.

When I write I feel I got something special, and I feel something amazing come out. A lot of times what I write sometimes gets construed, and the word wrap around me but when it happens, when I write and I forget that I’m writing I feel heaven. Or maybe you’d just call it an indescribable feeling but I have a feeling that’s what it is. Heaven. As I write thoughts float out, will I ever get to be with you, life's pretty fine now even though I'm struggling I’m still living well, do you even have to be with her, and man you a pussy with a capital P. Though even the thought of trying to give up on her never has never crossed my mind. Though you may call me crazy I feel we're destined to be even though we haven’t interacted that much this year. Well I wouldn’t say it would be far off to say I’m crazy though. Then in between the my thoughts come a moment: maybe there were noises outside or in my head but it felt silent, and then I felt my page and my soul feel full. I wonder if there's a future for me in this. Well even if I don’t get no job for it I’d still keep writing, no particular reason why, I just feel I would.

Though you may feel that I may be in a hopeless situation I somehow feel brimming with hope. There were no signs that lead me to this feeling I just always had… a feeling of its destiny that we’d be together. No matter how hopeless it gets somehow I always get this feeling, and I like it, it comforts me, maybe it’s my grandparents watching over me from above, or god looking after me but I’m thankful.

After that I read a little, all my books came from the library near my school. Sweet sweet free books that were very interesting. They were all nicely stacked on my dusty room floor. I mostly read random books and whatever interested me like about black history, some weird books about military strategy by some old asian guys, and story books. A story with ties to god in some aspects were some stories I particularly took a liking to. I don’t know how it’ll work out, if I’d really be able to get rich and provide for my mom like in my daydreams, or be with you in my dreams and daydreams, though I feel a feeling that ties me to the ground when I feel I’d fall off. I feel I’m stuck in a position for a while now, or the position has been laid upon me but I feel it could all be changed in an instant, and that it will change soon.

I also had this thought pretty often, and I often fear it. That you feel all the same things as me. As I saw you the other day I felt that you felt trapped too in the position that we’re in, and maybe that you think about me all the time too, and you feel the same pain I feel, and I fear that I made you suffer and maybe I shouldn’t have tried. This made me feel closer to you, like we're kinda one in the same. Man, I wanna see you!

Well it was a lot about my thoughts today. The time passed by quickly today and it was soon near the time of my 3 o’clock shift. Then as I walked to the pizzeria I came back to a thought: will I be trapped in this feeling forever, and a quote from a book spoke to me, “Smile more.” It was a simple quote, though I felt conflicted about this complicated stuff I felt the old man who warmingly said that didn’t think about that and he was free.