Evac procedures and Hard questions [ Log 2 ]

Karla

Was it regret that drove her kindness? I didn’t know, but I didn’t dare to ask. I might lack the courage to take a step forward, but I was sure I was done with pushing people away. At least, I hoped that was true.

Stepping forward, even if it was terrifying, was unavoidable. I couldn’t lose her again, no matter what it would cost me. I didn’t want to run away again, but how could I bring myself to stay? She had come last night despite everything I’d done. She was stronger than me, I’d always known that, even if it was me who was the older one.

I needed to take a step too and try to mend what I’d once broken when I left. I still hoped it was possible, but I didn’t know how. I’d done what I could, but it wasn’t enough. Would it ever be enough?

I had left my sunglasses in my room on purpose, and now part of me regretted it. I wished I could hide behind them, Sol sat so close she must have noticed something. I glanced at her, but she just smiled. How could she after everything that had happened to her? Where did she draw her strength from now, when her mission was completed? She’d had a choice, just like me, and she’d decided to stay. Could I do the same?

“I should show you how to use your suit.”

I nodded, happy that her voice broke the silence and distracted me from the void I felt.

“How quickly can you put it on?”

Was this an invitation for another game? No, she seemed more serious this time. I shrugged.

“You should be able to do it in 90 seconds. Try it.”

“Now?”

I blinked. I remembered doing drills when I stayed with them on Minerva. Then it had made sense, that ship had been held by cable ties and power tape, but here… Yet, she was serious as she nodded in reply.

I got up and glanced at her before hesitantly taking off my suit, aware of her carefully watching me. I knew her only intent was to see my familiarity, or lack thereof, with my equipment, but I felt vulnerable under her gaze.

“Are you ready?”

I nodded hesitantly and put it on as quickly as I could a few times. Ninety seconds felt like an impossible task, no matter how many tips she gave me. I just wasn’t made for this kind of thing.

“It will get easier the more you practise.”

She gave me a reassuring smile.

“I will ask Laya to help you.”

Li… At least I would get a chance to spend some time with her. Even if I missed her, I hadn’t dared to get too close to her again, not sure how Elsa would feel about it. But maybe that was a mistake?

Sol left, giving me one last reassuring smile, and I sank down on the sofa. Her book still lay on the table. I carefully picked it up and put it back into the secured shelf. At least she’d had someone who cared for her, and even if it hadn’t lasted for long, it was better than what I’d ever got. Until I met them and fucked it up and ran away, terrified that they would tell me to leave. Just like everyone else had done before them. How stupid. I sighed and looked at the photos pinned to the wall. Even she’d had someone.

I wasn’t ready to see Li when she entered the canteen, announcing that Sol had assigned her to teach me basic starfaring skills, whatever that meant. Part of me was happy, and I tried to smile when she sat next to me. Had she really forgiven me so easily? Then why was it so hard to accept?

“We should start with basic emergency procedure.”

She gave me a serious look.

“Get your respirator.”

I sighed but did as I was told. Even I saw the point of this training. I still remembered the bulky bag El made me carry on Minerva, but at least this respirator fit in the small pouch on my belt. I tried to pull it out and open it with a flip of my wrist, exactly like Li showed me, but it didn’t work. I looked at the half-open mask and sighed.

“Try again.”

Her eyes shone brightly as I glanced at her. She definitely enjoyed her role with me, and at least this meant we could do something together. After a few more attempts, I managed to put it on quickly enough to earn her smile.

“Good. When you get better, we can slowly pump out the air from the room to make it more real.”

I blinked. Was she serious? My quick glance confirmed my suspicions. If that was supposed to motivate me in any way, it had the totally opposite effect.

“You need to practise it every day, okay?”

I nodded. Did it mean we would spend some time every day? If that was the case, I would do anything she asked me to, even if I would probably regret it at some point. It didn’t matter now. If I could somehow have her back and get a chance to rebuild what I’d so carelessly broken, it would be worth it.

She took my hand in hers.

“Come, I will show you evac procedures.”

We ran through the ship, from the canteen to my room, following the green lights that flashed on the corridor walls until I almost got lost. It wasn’t that bad, though. Sol wasn’t cluttered with stuff like El’s ship had been, so it was pretty easy, and to my relief, the flashing lights led us to the bridge instead of those claustrophobic, coffin-like tubes El had forced me into on a few occasions back then.

By the end, I was exhausted. Where did she get all this energy from? I sat down on my bed, panting, and Li sat down next to me with a big smile on her face.

“This was fun!”

I smiled, trying to catch my breath as she rested her head on my arm. She looked at me, and her smile faded.

“Why did you leave us?”

I froze. There was no anger in her voice, only sadness, and it made it even more difficult. What should I tell her? She deserved an answer even if I didn’t feel ready to give her one. Was I being a coward again?

“I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed.”