Back to School, Back to Stage

Fumbling with my uniform, I fight to pull it over my head and on my back, more exactly to pull the hole over the key.

    It’s torture.

    Honestly, the easiest thing would have been to disregard hygienic urges and stay all my life along with the same clothes on my back.

“Guuuhhh…”

    But some sacrifices have to be done. For the remnants of my sanity’s sake.

“Finally!!”

    In a grunted exclamation, I finish dressing up, adjusting my sleeves over my bandages. My gaze lingers on the white stripes. For once, they conceal other wounds than homemade ones.

“…”

    I can’t help but let my thoughts wander to the events of that night, to the sight of Tatsuma’s pale body lying next to his brother…

    Tatsuya’s magic permitted him to save his brother. He transferred him his mana to help his body heal. That’s what they all explained to me, what the troop’s members said aloud as if to reassure themselves more than me.

    But I can’t pretend I didn’t see the glint of worry in their eyes back at the Dolls Clockwork Circus. A worry that wasn’t even directed at Tatsuma who, supposedly, would awake after a bit of rest. No, it was silently focused at Tatsuya. At the void flickering in his eyes.

    I didn’t understand it at first, until I became in turn, against my consent, part of that source of worry.

⋆༺♱༻⋆

“Megumi, how are you feeling?”

“Hehh?” I blinked, turning a lost glance at Longwei.

“You’ve used a great amount of mana. Again…”

“If she hadn’t done so,” Edward chimed in, “you’d have four corpses to bury by now. Well, four headless ones, that is.”

“But…” Longwei trailed off in protest.

    I could tell he was violently denying himself the right to tell me I did the right thing, just because I most likely endangered myself doing so.

    Your kindness will be your loss, Longwei.

“I’m fine.” I retorted. “I still can remember how I requisitioned my auntie’s knees for a whole evening. And back then, I was three.”

    Since my declaration didn’t seem enough to dissipate their doubts, I shrugged.

“She was comfy.”

“Let me recap what happened.” Evren saved me from the others’ intrusive stares. “You chased a Jikininki to the summit of the Marine Tower, and once you defeated it, tried to quit that place, you got stuck in the lift? And a bunch of them were there to greet Tatsuma and Tatsuya once they joined you?”

“Yeah, they trapped us.” I confirmed. “It’s obvious they lured us up there so they could block us inside the lift.”

“They shouldn’t be able to do such a thing.” Evren continued with a frown.

“I would prefer to deny that possibility,” the director chimed in, “but someone has to be guiding their steps. Jikininkis are lone and mindless creatures. If some of them can form coherent thoughts, they wouldn’t go so far as to plan such a trap on their own, let alone do it together.”

“The remaining question being,” Evren added, “who would be mad enough to help these monsters?”

    Shockingly so, a silence followed. Even Poltergeist remained oddly without uttering any comment.

“Starting from now," the director concludes, "I’ll ask you to be extremely cautious. This kind of situation is at a risk of becoming our daily bread.”

⋆༺♱༻⋆

    I check one last time the content of a school bag which literally took me a whole afternoon, half a night, and forty-two pricks to resurrect.

    Balancing it over my shoulder, hooked over one finger, I leave my room with a sigh and go down the stairs.

    With all that mess, I didn’t get the opportunity to question the director about Edward nor to share my discovery about Mr. Izawa.

    At least, it seems that they’re still looking for him, so he’s most likely alive. Right? I just have to find him before the Jikininkis…

    The third step emits as usual a dying squeak.

“Are you sure you aren’t forgetting something?”

    The last words Poltergeist addressed me with before I left, a few days ago… They still echo in my mind.

    Am I?

    Can I even be sure I’m not forgetting anything? But if the first memories to vanish are the oldest ones, which seems to be the norm according to the circus members, then I most likely didn’t forget much yet… And I still remember Mr. Izawa. Whatever remains… It doesn’t matter.

    Making silent steps, I reach the living room and take a seat even more silently. Passively-aggressively taking a scrap of fish from the tips of my chopsticks, I practice my favourite hobby in this house. Erasing any superfluous trace of my existence.

“Will you find your way to your new school?”

    And I miserably fail at it. The sound of her voice…

“Is the food to your liking?”

    It makes me stiffen. It makes me torture the chopsticks between my whitening fingertips.

    Pretending to chew and, well, indeed chewing, I just briefly nod and evasively glance at her.

    She’s smiling.

“I’ll pack your lunch.” She adds before standing up from her chair to do her stuff.

    It makes my eye twitch. God how I hate it more than anything. How I hate when she’s acting normally, how I hate that smile, the satisfied note in her voice.

    I have to fight the urge to shout, ignoring the protest of my heart beating wild in my chest.

“There.” She puts down a lunch box next to me. “Megumi?”

    She stays there, awfully close. Expecting acknowledgement. Of course, it has to be one of these days…

“Ok. Thanks.” I vomit the words.

    Don’t say my name.

“What an ungrateful girl. You should look at the person you’re speaking to.”

    Losing the will to take in any more bite of the paper-like tasting fish, I put down my chopsticks and stand up.

“Honey, who are you talking to?” A male voice intervenes from his comfortable seat on the couch, phone and coffee in hands.

“To your ungrateful daughter, not even able to thank her mother properly.”

“Daughter..?” He stills his movements, his cup of coffee hovering inches under his lips.

“Megumi.” She articulates in an annoyed tone.

    An awkward hesitation follows, making me even glance at him while I’m already reaching the exit.

“Ohh… Okay.” He ends up mumbling.

    Grabbing the holy knob, I leave that house of demons to head to hell.

⋆༺♱༻⋆

“Starting from today, we welcome four new students transferred into our class.” The homeroom teacher notes. “Everyone, please be kind to them.”

    He then gestures at us to present ourselves. Of course, I let the others go first, not even paying attention as they step one by one in front of the class to tell their names.

    Why should I tell my name to people who won’t care? All of this acting is meant to give us the illusory feeling that we’re part of something.

    Why bother?

“Hoshimori, it’s your turn.” The teacher whispers.

    Torture time. Taking a few steps, I turn to face the class, clasping my thumb.

“My name is Megumi Hoshimori.”

    Silence.

“Can you write it?” The professor suggests.

    With a resigned nod, I turn around and take a piece of chalk, writing down the kanji for “star” and “forest”.

    As I finish writing it down, I hear whispers behind me.

    Unfortunately, the moment I put down the chalk, I can no longer focus on its squeals against the blackboard. Turning around once more, I glance at the empty place that is most likely mine. My foots gladly head in its direction, taking me away from the cursed place next to the teacher’s desk.

“Hey, she has a key in her back.”

“Oh, true.”

“Why are you cosplaying?” A boy sitting next to the place I’m passing by asks aloud.

    Clenching my fists, I stop.

“Disgusting…”

“Shh… Don’t say that!” Another voice adds, lower. “You don’t know what a furyō would do if you provoke her.”

“A furyō, huhh…” A third voice adds.

“Enough,” the homeroom teacher calls in a bored voice, “instead of talking, please open your books. We’re going to resume our study of No Longer Human.”

    A sardonic smile at the corner of my lips, I join my place.

⋆༺♱༻⋆

“Haahh? You crafted a paper flower and gifted it to Mrs. Kashiwara?”

    I realised too late that people who befriend you expect from you two things I couldn’t offer.

“Well, yes… I heard her say once she really likes them, especially the roses ones,” I tried explaining to Erina despite her scornful tone, “so I decided to make her one.”

“Megumi… Are you this desperate for good grades? It’s already the end of the year, that won’t change a thing, you know.”

    First, friends having roughly your age aside, you’re not supposed to have a bond nor to show affection towards anyone that isn’t part of your family.

“What? No. Not at all. I just like her a lot, she’s important to me.”

“Important?”

    That’s weird.

“Yeah?”

“Errr…”Erina hesitated to continue at this point, as if we were having the most pointless discussion ever. “We didn’t even have that many hours with her. She’s just our music teacher, you know that, right? We’re fourteen, you should stop doing such things. I’m saying this for you.”

“I know, but she’s special, that’s all. She’s… I’d like to be like her when I’ll be an adult.” I added with a genuine smile. “I wish she could be proud of me… I wish I could know her better. I wish I could, but I don’t expect her to care for me. But, I… I really care a lot. She’s precious to my eyes.”

“Precious…” She recoiled, disgust obvious in her tone. “Are you a pet or something?”

    Second, if there’s no word to describe your feelings, then these feelings are wrong and should be forgotten as soon as possible. Or else, it bothers.

    You bother.

    Erina was a lot of things to me. She was the last friend I had. And she was the first person I’ve beaten up.

    It happened not long after we exchanged these words. The reason was silly. The result was, too.

    Since she was similar to a chihuahua, all barks no bites, what should have been a fight between teenagers became a bully victimising an innocent girl.

    Soon, they began pointing at the bandages I had around my wrists, my arms. Megumi the bully became Megumi the furyō. No one dared to approach me any more, nor to mock me openly.

    It was cathartic. I did not even need to hide my bandages any more. At home they were my shield, at school they were my mask.

    It was better like this. I couldn’t pretend to be like them, but I could pretend to be a threat.

    Erina offered me peace.