Right decision? [ Log 2 ]

Elsa

The second watch had just ended when I sat down on the bed with Li to read her a story, and she snuggled up against me as I opened the book. It was old and fragile, one of those hardcover prints that were rare in an age when your holo display could hold an entire library. It had been a birthday gift from Father and Mother, and it had survived all those years until Li found it somewhere on Minerva. By now, she knew the story by heart and was probably too old for it, yet she insisted that I read it to her just as I used to when she was younger.

It was only now, when she had begun spending the evenings with one of the others rather than in our shared room, that I realised how much I’d missed it. I’d always wished for her to have someone else besides me, but having friends and living on a ship wasn’t easy. You’d meet at the starport when the trade routes took us in the same direction and then spend a few days together until the next time, whenever that might be.

I used to ask her if she didn’t want to settle somewhere. I could find a job in the docks, but she’d refused. She’d told me that Minerva was our home and that she wanted to stay with me, so we’d done as she wished, even if it meant being alone. Until we meet Kay…

“Are you tired, sis?”

I smiled and kissed her hair.

“Are you? You want to go to sleep?”

She shook her head.

“You want to tell me what you’ve done today?”

Spending both waking and sleeping time together was hard at times, and I’d always let her do what she wanted and respected her privacy. But now, with Kay and Sol around, I wondered what she was doing when she wasn’t with me. Was she happy now? Had she got what she always wished for with them?

I still didn’t know how I felt about them. Kay was so different, and our relationship felt so fragile that none of us dared to test it, for fear it would fall apart if we applied too much pressure. And Sol…. Sol was an open invitation I hadn’t dared to accept, not sure where my motives were coming from. How did they both go along? I didn’t know. If that was a part of the captain’s duties, I was doing a really bad job.

Li hugged me.

“I love you, sis.”

“I love you too.”

“Karla showed me how to estimate the profit of speculative trade.”

I sighed.

“Do you like it?”

“I do,” she said with forced conviction, resting her head on my chest. “I will make us a lot of money, so you don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“Li...”

I put my arms around her and held her tight.

“You don’t need to... With Sol and Kay, we will make more than enough.”

“What if they leave us…?”

“They won’t”, I said softly.

I knew Sol would never leave, but I could only hope the same was true of Kay. I sighed.

“What else did you do today?”

She told me how she’d spent hours with Sol in simulation scenarios she was probably too young to handle and then about the afternoon with Kay, helping her get accustomed to life on the ship. Was this really what she wanted? But she seemed happy, and her smile lifted some of my worries.

What did I want? It was a more significant question than it seemed at first, since for the first time, I had space to ask it in any meaningful way. I could have gone for a smoke, but Li was half asleep in my arms by now, and I didn’t want to wake her up, so I stayed, finding comfort in her company. I was still holding her as I fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the third watch. I lay there, listening to Li’s breathing mixing with the hum of the ship, before I got up, wrapped myself in my jacket, and headed out. It was an old habit. Part of me still believed that an accident would happen when I let my guard down and didn’t pay attention to the ship’s systems.

I pulled a pack of cigarettes from my pocket and walked to the bridge. It was empty. Was Sol resting? I hoped so, even if I knew that part of her was always monitoring the ship’s systems. I lit a cigarette and peered at the blinking displays. All systems were fine. I took a drag and exhaled the smoke into the room as I leaned over my console and double-checked our course.

New Medina? We’d been there a long time ago. I wonder if Li remembered it. I took another drag and left the empty bridge, slowly walking towards the engine room, when I noticed light in the canteen.

I hesitated for a moment, trying to guess which one of them would be there. I could spend time in Sol’s quiet company, but was I ready to attempt fixing what was broken between me and Kay? Or was the question if my chances would slip between my fingers if I waited too long? I sighed and walked in, only to see both of them there.

“El…”

Kay stared at me, equally surprised.

“Do you want coffee?”

She got up without waiting for an answer and went to grab a cup. The coffee pot was already standing on the small table next to the sofa.

Sol smiled as I glanced at her. Her nails were painted light blue. So that’s what they had been doing. I remember Kay trying to show me these kinds of things, but I never had the patience for it, so when she left, all her efforts were quickly lost.

I sat down next to Sol and looked at her hands.

“Do you like it?”, I asked.

“It was nice when she did it.”

“Nice?”

“She put a lot of effort into it, just for my sake.”

She smiled shyly. Kay returned, poured coffee into the cup and then sat down next to me. Her sweet perfume filled the air. She smelled exactly as I remembered, distant and intoxicating at the same time.

I took a sip of the coffee. Had I destroyed something when I entered?

“I can paint yours if you want”, Kay murmured without looking at me.

Her words flooded my mind with old memories I’d tried so hard to forget, but I knew that my 'no' could break something beyond repair, so I hesitantly nodded.

She took my hand in hers and reached for the nail polish standing on the table. Was this the right decision? I hoped so, since I knew that if things continued like this, I would be unable to hold back any longer.