Chapter 18

“Alright! Hold this piece of paper with both hands. Then, directly activate the ability you have gained through your blessing. In this case the power will not actively happen but instead the paper will absorb it and change in a certain way. Depending on the root of your blessing, the paper will react differently.”

I slowly nod. I did understand.

“Uhh… Just one problem, Mister Hideo. I don’t know how to manually activate my blessing.” I grab the paper and hold it with both hands. And - just as I had imagined - nothing happens.

“Oh! You don’t have one?” “No, I… I most certainly have some kind of ability.” I remember it. I remember seeing the world in different shades of black, I remember seeing the hearts and truest forms of the beings in front of me. I remember slicing and destroying those hearts with ease.

“I just… I don't know how to activate it.”

“Hmmm… Then try to remember the conditions that were met when you activated your ability.”

Him constantly calling it ‘activating’ doesn’t really work, does it? After all, I have no idea if it was even me who activated it. I think back to the two situations: The first one was the Ushitora. I was wounded a bit and was running away. In this moment I felt powerless and was ready to die at any second. Precisely because of this I was determined to fight: Because I was ready to die did I fight.

The second one was my battle with the Tengu and the Yamauba. I was about to die at that very moment. They had wounded me and if my vision wouldn’t have changed, I most certainly would have died… However, it did change.

Was it myself being ready to die? Because I accepted my immediate death, because I am aware of myself being closer to death than ever before… Only because of this did I want to fight and thus activate it.

…

okay, now how the hell do I activate it in a situation like this?

After all, I am not in danger. I will not die and thus I cannot fight against the threat of my life.

I think again. And at this very moment I remember the vision I had. I remember how the world looks. And the blackness of the world suddenly gathers. It centers on one point and slowly but surely takes form. The rest of the world is colorless. However, in the middle of this colorless world, stands Lady Death, made up of all the black that is apparent in every single part of our world.

And as I see her my fingers begin trembling. No, it’s not only my fingers: My hands, my arms, my entire body trembles. Is it fear? Am I still so scared of her? Or is it the anger in me, trying to spill out of my body brutally? I do not know.

Before I realize what happens the paper in my hands crumbles and turns to black dust. This black dust falls onto the earth and perfectly hides itself in the rest of the world. It is gone.

I stare at my now empty hands. What I just held did disappear. It ended. That is the ultimate truth. Both Kida and Mister Hideo look at my empty hands. They acknowledge what I did before anything else. No words I could possibly utter at this point would describe what had just happened more than what had actually happened. Turning something which has always existed - as the universe and everything in it exists in some way or form - into nothing but dust which immediately disappears as this very same black dust exists everywhere… feels strange. I feel powerful, just like I did when slaying the Tengu and the Yamauba on the mountain. Yet, at the same time, I am scared of this power. I am scared of the part of me that enjoys bringing death and annihilating everything around me.

Life is so easily breakable. Paper is so easily breakable. Everything. Everything that exists in this wide world is so easily breakable. That is what I understand now.

I smile a bit. Despite me smiling, I am unsure. Am I happy? Or am I sad? Or did the very concept that is called ‘emotion’ die, if only for me?

Mister Hideo fixes his tie yet again.

“Alright. We have our answer: You are most certainly blessed by none other than Lady Death herself.”

…

Kida and I left shortly after. We were on our way to the very same sand field I saw yesterday. Turns out, it was only a small part of a giant training ground which was used for most classes that actively features doing something with your body. On our way there we speak.

“So you’re one of Death, huh? Second time I’ve ever seen one… The only other one I even know of is Doctor Itu.”

“Yeah, he said that he was blessed by Death as well… Though in my case I don’t even know if I can happily call it a blessing. The price I did pay for it was enormous…”

Kida looks at me. She doesn’t know how to react to me at first, however she then pats my back. “Nah, don’t look at it that way. There are more than enough people who have to go through the same as you. There are a lot of people who go through one of Death’s Poems and just… Die. Or survive, without anything else.

You should not think of your blessing as some kind of trading token you’ve gotten for losing your people. It’s more like… You got it as an extra. There was no real reason behind it.”

“No reason you say…”

“I actually think that’s the healthiest way to look at life and its many facets. Just accept that there is no reason at all. And precisely because there is no reason, one can happily accept life itself. One can live freely and happily because there is no reason for your life. Because there is no meaning, we are truly free… At least that’s how I look at things.”