The cheating Jester

As the postman prepared to haul off Iori and Carol, Mimoko burst into the room. "What!? What's going on in here!?" 

"Mmph ngh mmph!" Carol shouted, attempting to tell Mimoko something important, but unable to.

"Buwahahaha! I don't know what you said, but I'm kidnapping and killing you two before the Kirikawa clan finds out you're related to them," the postman cackled.

"Just who do you think you are!?" Mimoko cried. 

"Who am I!? Ninjas- Oh right, it's just me. Direct your attention to the song I'm about to play on my phone!"

The postman then pulled out his phone and threw off his postman outfit, now sporting a flashy green hakama in addition to his pointy red shoes. With his sunglasses and hat gone, it was now clear to see the eccentric face paint his face along with his purple hair that had been styled into a top-knot.

As music began playing from the phone, the man suddenly began singing and dancing. 

"In rain, sun, sleet, snow fire, flood, or hail, I'm gonna steal all of your motherfucking mail! I don't give a fuck if you can't pay your bills, hell I want you to suffer, cause I'm the motherfucking Jester. YO YOI! I am the greatest criminal from the depths of Edo. The great daimyo of organized crime. Everyone fears my name! For every atrocity, I have attained! Murder! Kidnapping! Drug Smuggling! None can match my Might! Theft! Assault! War Crimes! All now fear my wrath! With my evil ninjitsu I will conquer all that’s good. They say Jesters are the fools, WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW DUMBASS! Lalalalalala! Jester-sama is the evil, dastardly, wicked, inhumane, dark ninjutsu daimyo! Oh oh oh oh! Yooooooo!”

Everyone cringed in disgust as Jester finished singing.

"Mmph ngh ngh [That was lame]," Iori glared.

"OI! Don't take advantaged of your gagged state to get away with hurling insults at me!" Jester fumed.

"So are you some head honcho of the Desperado League?" Mimoko glared.

"Desperados? Those losers are weak! Besides, I got something even better than a DESPER, my own originally patented and totally not stolen from an online post I saw, spin on the DESPER, the JESPER! Buwahahaha!"

Mimoko stared in annoyance at the device Jester pulled out of his sleeve. It certainly looked like a DESPER, but clearly lacking in quality in terms of design. Regardless, Mimoko decided to challenge Jester to a match in order to save her friends.

"Huh? I can just scram n' go. Why would I stay for a chess match?"

"The WWCF does not take kindly to snuffing out chess prodigies."

"That fucker Remis!? I hate that guy! Well, I guess I can snuff you out in game. You lose you die!" Jester cackled as he activated his JESPER.

"I win and my friends are freed while you leave emptyhanded."

A small rickety board then appeared in the center of the room. Mimoko began walking towards it, only for Jester to lunge towards the white end of the board.

"My JESPER, so I go first!"

"How childish, but so be it. I'll make this quick."

"Buwahahaha! I'm the grandest master out there! You'll never beat me!" Jester laughed as he moved his pawn to d4.

Mimoko responded by moving her knight to f6, while Jester decided to hurl his bishop to g5. Ignoring the empty threat, Mimoko moved her pawn to d5.

"BUWAHAHAHA! Bye bye horse! Off to the glue factor for you!" Jester laughed as he captured the knight at f6 with his bishop.

Mimoko rolled her eyes and simply captured said bishop with her e-pawn, completely shocking Jester.

"Oi! Pawns can't rise up against a bishop!" Jester fumed as he moved his pawn to e3.

"Do you even know how this game works?" Mimoko groaned as she moved her pawn to c5.

"Of course I do! CHECK! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he moved his bishop to b5.

Mimoko simply moved her knight to c6, but it was then that the true nefarious nature of both Jester and his JESPER began to show.

"Check! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he captured the knight at c6 with his bishop.

Mimoko rolled her eyes and attempted to capture the bishop at c6 with her b-pawn, however, Jester slid the bishop one square back to b5 before Mimoko could capture the piece. "That's blatant cheating."

"Who cares! I cheat all the time!"

"DESPERs don't allow cheating though."

"This is a JESPER! I can cheat 3 times in a game! And I get to move again! Check! Thanks for the free pawn, sucker!" Jester laughed as he captured the pawn at c6 with the bishop that was supposed to have been removed from play.

Mimoko glared and moved her bishop to d7, allowing Jester to gleefully capture the rook on a8 with his bishop.

"This game shouldn't count," Mimoko glared as she captured said bishop with her queen.

"Too bad! You lose you die no matter how much I cheat! Sucks to be you! Buwahahaha!" Jester laughed as he moved his queen to g4.

Having enough of this nonsense, Mimoko immediately grabbed the queen on g4 and removed it from play, before placing her bishop down on the square it at been on.

"Heh? HEH! OH SHIT DO-OVER! DO-OVER!"

"There are no do-overs-"

Before Mimoko could finish, the board reset itself to the point where she moved her bishop to d7.

"Won't be sniping my queen now!" Jester cackled as he captured the bishop at d7 with his bishop instead of the rook at a8.

Mimoko once again captured said bishop with her queen, while Jester moved his queen out, this time to h5. Mimoko made the best move she could and captured the pawn on d4 with her c-pawn, but then...

"Buwahahaha! I win! Checkmate!" Jester laughed as he captured the pawn at f7 with his queen.

"No you just blundered a queen," Mimoko glared as she attempted to capture said queen with her king.

"Uhp too bad! King can't capture it cuz of the knight!" Jester stammered as he moved his knight from g1 to g5.

"That's 3 times you've cheated. And I'll just capture the queen with my queen then," Mimoko snarled as she did just that.

"My glue horse runs over your queen then! Some grandmaster you are!" Jester sneered as he captured the queen at f7 with his knight.

Mimoko promptly captured said knight with her king, allowing Jester to capture the pawn at d4 with his e-pawn.

"When this is over, I'll be sure to report you for cheating. Check," Mimoko glared as she moved her bishop to b4.

"HEY! You can't check me!" Jester fumed as he moved his bishop to b2.

"I can and will again," Mimoko glared as she moved her h-rook to e8.

Jester began stomping his foot on the ground in annoyance and moved his king to f1, allowing Mimoko to protect her bishop by moving her a-rook to b8.

"Lol, no way are you getting my bishop for free," Jester sneered as he moved his bishop to e1.

Before he could react, Mimoko immediately grabbed the bishop at e1 and replaced it with her rook that has been on e8. "And that's checkmate, cheater!"

Jester blinked in confusion before screaming in horror. "NO FAIR! REWIND! GAME'S NOT OVER YET!"

Mimoko stared in bewilderment as the game reset back to the 6th move where Jester captured the knight at c6 with his bishop. "I thought you said you could only cheat thrice!"

"I lied! It's 4 times, bitch! Maybe even-"

SPROING!

Jester stared nervously as a spring suddenly popped out of his JESPER. "Uh, that's not supposed to happen. Uh-"

Mimoko decided to waste no time and promptly captured the bishop at c6 with her b-pawn as originally intended before the cheating began.

"HEY! No fair! I can't cheat anymore so stop taking advantage of me!" Jester fumed as he moved his pawn to b4.

"YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SAY THAT!? YOU'RE AN INSULT TO CHESS!" Mimoko fumed as she captured the pawn at b4 with her c-pawn.

"Didn't you hear my themesong!? I'm the greatest criminal from the depths of Edo! Cheating's my lifeblood!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to d2.

"Then I'll put you in your place, fair and square," Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to a5.

"NOPE! I got you blocked off!" Jester laughed as he moved his pawn to a4.

"No, now allow me to teach you about en passant," Mimoko glared as she performed en passant and captured the pawn on a4 with her b-pawn.

"AAAAHHH! THAT'S CHEATING! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! REF! REF!"

"En passant is a 100% legal move! And you are also in check."

"BULLSHIT! I'VE NEVER HEARD OF "ON PEASANT"!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to c1.

"EN PASSANT," Mimoko glared as she moved her rook to b8.

Now on the ropes and unable to cheat, Jester moved his knight to d2 while Mimoko moved her pawn to a2.

"BOOM! C4 blows shit up so I blow up all your pieces!" Jester desperately cackled as he slammed hi pawn down on c4.

"No, even in atomic chess, pieces only explode when you capture them. But you are in the right ballpark, that c4 move just triggered your self-destruct sequence. Check," Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to a3.

"HUH!? I'm not gonna blow up! There ain't any dynamite here!" Jester fumed as he moved his king to c2.

"Then perhaps when you lose, that rickety thing you pass off as a DESPER will blow up in your face," Mimoko glared as she moved her rook to b2.

"Too bad! It's busted!" Jester laughed as he moved his king to c1.

"You're about to be busted too." Mimoko glared as she moved her queen to c3.

"NOPE! I sack the queen and win!" Jester stammered as he slammed his queen down on c2.

"No, you just lost. Checkmate," Mimoko glared as she captured the queen at c2 with her queen, finally winning the game.

"NO FAIR! YOU CHEATED ME! REMATCH! MY JESPER DOESN'T NEED TO RECHARGE SO-

BOOM!

Just as Mimoko had requested, the JESPER blew up in Jester's face sending him flying off into the sky.

"FUCK YOU, CHEATER!" Jester shouted as he flew away.

"That's my line, cheater," Mimoko glared as she found herself giving a middle finger salute to the hole in the ceiling Jester had made.

"Mmph. Ngh ngh mmph ngh?" Iori grumbled.

Mimoko turned and realized Iori and Carol were still mummified in icky sticky dough. "Ugh, I'll call for back-up. I don't want to get tangled up in that stuff."

The full game:

White Jester (Buwahahaha) Black: Mimoko Inoue (2750)

1. d4 Nf6

2. Bg5 d5

3. Bxf6 exf6

4. e3 c5

5. Bb5+ Nc6

6. Bxc6+ bxc6

((Bishop moved to b5) 6. Bxc6+ Bd7 7. Bxd7+ (7. Bxa8 Qxa8 8. Qg4 Bxg4) 7... Qxd7 8. Qh5 cxd4 9. Qxf7+ (Knight moved to c5) 9... Qxf7 10. Nxf7 Kxf7 11. exd4 Bb4+ 12. Bd2 Rhe8+ 13. Kf1 Rab8 14. Be1 Rxe1#)

7. b4 cxb4

8. Kd2 Qa5

9. a4 bxa3+

10. Kc1 Rb8

11. Nd2 a2

12. c4 Qa3+

13. Kc2 Rb2+

14. Kc1 Qc3+

15. Qc2 Qxc2#

The full game with no cheating:

White Jester (Buwahahaha) Black: Mimoko Inoue (2750)

1. d4 Nf6

2. Bg5 d5

3. Bxf6 exf6

4. e3 c5

5. Bb5+ Nc6

6. Bxc6+ bxc6

7. b4 cxb4

8. Kd2 Qa5

9. a4 bxa3+

10. Kc1 Rb8

11. Nd2 a2

12. c4 Qa3+

13. Kc2 Rb2+

14. Kc1 Qc3+

15. Qc2 Qxc2#